Fantasy Recap Week 2: Lovin' You Sunday Morning

Has it been two weeks already?

Five games... three wins, my friends! That beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, tellyouwhat! No really. I've done both. Notching three wins? Much better than the eye poke. Friendly tip: you pretty much just want to avoid the eye poke altogether, really. It's pretty safe to say that most anything is superior to the eye poke, so my advice? Forego the poke, and make the comparisons with confidence.

In my NFL.COM league? A much, much needed win! Sorry Joe... maybe it's karma for losing to you in the other league last week? Just stupid luck? Naaaaahhhhhh... it's gotta' be karma.

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 110-86

The standings:

East
LacesOu 2-0-0
EauClaire Vandals 1-1-0
Catchers in the Rye 1-1-0
Textboo 0-2-0

Central
Tiny, Adorable Hedgehogs 2-0-0
Goregor 1-1-0
Death by Haiku 2 1-1-0
RumseyB 0-2-0

West
DredPir 2-0-0
HolyHan 1-1-0
Mothers 1-1-0
Underdo 0-2-0

Once again, Joe and I battle it out mid-division while Nancy lords over her division. This was a win I needed in a bad way... I won't turn my nose up at a few more, though, truth be told.

In a solo league? Big, big loss! Way to go 0-2, Chris! Wahooooo!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 85-114

Central
Clemson 2-0-0
UsualSu 1-1-0
LofasLa 1-1-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 0-2-0

East
BBbadbo 2-0-0
FBomber 1-1-0
Knights 1-1-0
royals1 0-2-0

West
YounGGu 2-0-0
Lynchbe 2-0-0
FifeFan 0-2-0
TeamAlp 0-2-0

And that's me in last place in my division. From here? It's up, up and... up some more, I guess.

In the other solo league? Big, big win! 2-0, baby!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 145-131

Central
Powerful Mach Five! 2-0-0
Provide 1-1-0
JediMas 1-1-0
Bigbron 0-2-0

East
baldeag 2-0-0
Skeleto 1-1-0
NEPats 1-1-0
ItaliHe 0-2-0

West
Provide 2-0-0
xchucki 2-0-0
Breakin 0-2-0
KNIGHTS 0-2-0

#1! Woot!

My Yahoo! league? A win!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 308-304

1. Purple Crap Stains 2-0-0
2. Night Train 2-0-0
3. De chier des bulles 2-0-0
4. MightyPurpleHelmets 1-1-0
5. Extreme Hummingbird 1-1-0
6. Snooze Alarm 1-1-0
7. Blue Blazer Regulars 1-1-0
8. Purple People Eaters 0-2-0
9. LiL Man 0-2-0
10. Intercepticons 0-2-0

Yup. Seventh... and battling it out with Joe for slightly-less mediocre. Nancy, meanwhile, is in third, and undefeated!

I have to point out that this game was a rematch of my Championship match-up with Shane from last year. That game, you'll recall, I wound up losing by one point. No, actually, I'm not over it yet... thanks. Anyway, it felt pretty damn good getting the "W" this time... and it didn't escape my notice that the margin was once again as narrow as could be. Again, karmically cool, you axe me.

Finally, the office Yahoo! league. Oh, joy. I'm 0-2 here too.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 278.24-299.84

1. Death by Haiku 2-0-0
2. The Flying Frenchman 2-0-0
3. Arsenal 2-0-0
4. BALCO 2-0-0
5. LightsOut 1-1-0
6. The Pastry Ducks 1-1-0
7. Alabama Hot Pockets 1-1-0
8. Bliss's Blitzers 1-1-0
9. Livefree; Rhymehard 0-2-0
10. San Diego Zoo 0-2-0
11. Baby Bashers 0-2-0
12. ativan stat 0-2-0

Tony's #1! Howsabout that? My point total is pretty solid... I just need the wins.

This was/is a league I had/have high hopes for, on accounta' that first overall draft pick I got? Ladanian Tomlinson? Yeah... he's a bust so far. I may trade him for a kicker... I hear the Falcons picked up 80-year old Morton Anderson... maybe he's available.

Finally, I have to point out that Nancy is 2-0 in both of her leagues! Pretty friggin' impressive.

Is it Sunday yet?

Keep Your Eye On The Sparrow

I know you were wondering: turns out the secret witness in Britney Spears' custody hearing is Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney. He filed a declaration in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline today, claiming that Britney used drugs post-rehab and was nude a lot. Anyone shocked? Me neither. TMZ reports:

"Barretto started working for Britney when she got out of rehab, and was
fired on May 17 because, said Allred, 'He did not hear her when he was asked to
pick up her hat.' Barretto, himself the father of young children, came
forward, Allred says, because while working for Britney, he became 'very
concerned' about the safety of her two boys. Allred also said that she has
spoken to County Counsel for Child Protective Services about Barretto's
concerns."

You know what makes this guy’s story totally legitimate? He claims Britney Spears fired him for not picking up her hat. That’s the most believable statement I’ve ever heard in my life. The only thing more believable would be if Barretto said Britney fired him for stealing her Double Whopper – then chased him down the street in a tank wearing a helmet made out of pocket lint and dreams. Would Britney fire one of her kids out of the cannon? Depends. Were there extra pickles on that burger?

Field Of Dreams

Either mothers hate god, or everything else is a lie.

Oh, and here's the uncensored video, courtesy of our friends to the North.

"This Was Brett That I Had Felt Like Crying About."

Little-known Brett Somers facts:

1. She was born "Audrey Johnston." She changed her name to "Brett" for the lead female character in Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises (Brett Ashley, of course). I always thought that was a pretty cool move.

2. Though she and Jack Klugman separated in 1974, they never actually divorced... the only thing that has ever kept me from writing "Quincy" off as a complete idiot... though NOT living with Brett Somers is a pretty boneheaded move, you ask me.

3. I knew in 1977 that someday I'd marry a woman like Brett Somers. She'd be smart and independent and caustic and warm and pretty behind great big sunglasses and better than me in every way that matters. I eventually did marry just that person... right down to the great big sunglasses, which makes me unbelievably happy.

4. Brett Somers died on Saturday at 83, which makes me unbelievably sad.

"This was Brett that I had felt like crying about. Then I thought of her walking up the street and stepping into the car, as I had last seen her, and of course in a little while I felt like hell again. It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night is another thing." ~Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

K-Fed: Another TKO

Our beloved Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had an impromptu meeting last week at the office of Mark Vincent Kaplan who represents Kevin. The meeting was Britney’s idea. She seems to be in panic mode after the VMAs. People reports:

“Britney asked for [the meeting]. She wants to put an end to this
public debacle," says the Spears source. “However, Kevin [has] refused. He needs
more money so he's determined to win this.”

"Court documents released Aug. 30 show that Spears's income is
$737,868 a month and that Ferderline receives $20,000 a month in spousal support but has no “net income after business expenses.”

Man, where do I even begin? The obvious one: Kevin Federline has business expenses? I don’t know about that. Sounds a bit suspect, but not really important in the scheme of things. He’s practically Mother Teresa when compared to Britney. To prove my point, last week we celebrated Jayden’s first birthday. While Kevin threw him a pool party on Sunday, my sources tell me Britney bought the kid a Happy Meal and a fedora “just like mommy’s.” Two minutes later, while stuck in traffic, she ate the meal, the hat and half of the passenger seat cover... but it's okay, 'cause it was fake fur. While it's not safe to eat and drive, Britney had her bases covered: Jayden was driving.

Zenophobe

Zeno, a robot boy created by David Hanson, is scary as hell. Let's be honest.

David named the damn thing after his real 18-month-old son, Zeno (poor kid), and it is supposed to be available for commercial sale in the next three years (for $200 - $300). It stands 17 inches tall and weighs 6 pounds, and took 5 years to create. He comes equipped with facial recognition software, and will greet you by name when he recognizes you. He is controlled wirelessly via PC, and can talk, walk, and make eye contact. His face is made of "frubber", enabling a variety of facial expressions, which he uses himself because he has "his own moods" and makes "his own decisions".

That sounds great and all... but honestly, he's one scary little bastard. Is it just me, or does anybody else get the feeling that one of those decisions he'll make on his own may be stabbing your eyes out with a ballpoint pen one night while you sleep?

And The Hits Just Keep On Comin'

Our friends at Page Six have posted a long explanation of everything that went wrong with Britney Spears' performance at the MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night, including the fact that she showed up hours late and out of shape to rehearsal, had a drink in hand, and refused to wear MTV's outfit because she thought it wasn't sexy enough.

"On Saturday, the day before the VMAs, Spears was scheduled to arrive at rehearsal at around 1 p.m. Our spy said, "She didn't even get to Las Vegas until 4:30 p.m. It was ridiculous . . . The production people at MTV were freaking out."

"To make matters worse, when she arrived in Vegas, Spears didn't go straight to rehearsals.
"She went to her hotel room and ordered a bunch of food and some frozen margaritas," the spy said. "She came down, like, an hour later with a frozen margarita in her hand."

"When Spears preformed on Sunday, she stumbled a couple times and couldn't remember the words she was lip-syncing. She covered her mouth at one point but by the end of the song had simply given up any pretense of singing."

"The dancers were supposed to lift and twirl her in the air a few times, and that just wasn't going to happen. The more complicated dance moves had to be erased because she couldn't do them. MTV wanted her to wear a corset outfit. It would have looked great and covered a lot of things up, but she hated it and didn't think it was sexy enough."

"Instead, Spears changed into a spangly bra-and-underwear outfit she'd brought with her that emphasized her weight gain over the last year."

"After Spears performed at the VMAs, she allegedly broke down in tears but then partied until 3 a.m. She changed outfits several times and again was photographed by paparazzi wearing no underwear."

To be fair, that other outfit probably would've covered Britney up. And how is Britney supposed to show off her sexy body if she's covered up? God, sometimes people don't even use their brains. It'd be like covering up the Mona Lisa. Assuming, of course, the Mona Lisa ate a bunch of other paintings, and was planning on shuffling around on stage for three minutes before collapsing out of breath witha Mohito in her hand.

NOTE: If you haven't already seen it, I put up the video of the crying Britney fan that's been circulating the interweb. And yes, it's fake. I mean the guy is real, but the stuff he says is not. His name is Chris Crocker and this isn't the first ridiculous piece of acting he's done on YouTube.

Fantasy Recap, Week 1: Welcome To The Jungle

It's hard to believe, but week 1 of the fantasy football season? It's in the books!

Now let's stuff those books in a bag, and dump the bag in a half-frozen river, shall we? Yes, that's a thinly-veiled metaphor for what small-minded people do with unwanted kittens. Week 1? Week 1 is my unwanted kitten. I'd be happy if it was sent to a farm to romp... it doesn't necessarily have to be drowned in a half-frozen river... but you get the idea. It was a bad, bad week.

This year I'm adding a li'l somethin' to the weekly fantasy football recaps! I'll track what my projected outcome was for each game (based on the league's fantasy gurus), and what the actual outcome was! That way you can play along, and watch as my dreams are crushed on weeks when the fantasy gurus swear that I'll go 5-0, or swoon right along with me as I defy the gurus who insisted that I'd lose every last game, only to pull out the improbable win or two despite the odds and the fates!

Oh, and for your color-coded good times? Me, Nancy, Joe & Tony.

Let's start with the NFL.COM league I run, Life is a Game, Boy:

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 30.00-87.00

I lost! I lost huge! 30 points? Who knew a score that low was even possible? The only bright side was... hell, there was no bright side. Who am I kidding?

The standings:

East
EauClaire Vandals 1-0-0
LacesOu 1-0-0
Textboo 0-1-0
Catchers in the Rye 0-1-0

Central
TinyAdorable Hedgehogs 1-0-0
Goregor 1-0-0
DeathbyHaiku2 0-1-0
RumseyB 0-1-0

West
DredPir 1-0-0
Mothers 1-0-0
HolyHan 0-1-0
Underdo 0-1-0

As crappy as I feel getting 30 points (did I mention that I only got 30 points?), I have to say it's pretty cool that the newbies all did pretty well for the most part. At least, they did better than thier commissioner. It's a league of first-timers for the most part, and they did themselves proud... and, y'know, got more than 30 points.

In another NFL.COM league -No. 1 Seahawks- I fared slightly better... but with the same sad, sad outcome.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 91.00-127.00

Oh. Boy. Another loss. I was winning this game 'till Monday night, dammit.

Central
UsualSu 1-0-0
Clemson 1-0-0
LofasLa 0-1-0
SithLords of the Gridiron 0-1-0

East
FBomber 1-0-0
BBbadbo 1-0-0
royals1 0-1-0
Knights 0-1-0

West
YounGGu 1-0-0
Lynchbe 1-0-0
TeamAlp 0-1-0
FifeFan 0-1-0

So, so far? That's two leagues that I'm in last place in my division, and one where I find myself last place overall. I was never good at PE, but as I recall, last place is bad. I shoulda' paid more attention.

In the last NFL.COM league, Die Hard Fantasy Football 2007:

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 123.00-108.00

WOOHOO! A win!

Central
Powerful Mach Five! 1-0-0
Provide 1-0-0
Bigbron 0-1-0
JediMas 0-1-0

East
NEPats 1-0-0
baldeag 1-0-0
Skeleto 0-1-0
ItaliHe 0-1-0

West
Provide 1-0-0
xchucki 1-0-0
Breakin 0-1-0
KNIGHTS 0-1-0

A win! And that's me in first place in my division! What do the kids say... "YIPPEE!"

Meanwhile, in the Yahoo! league I run, Pigskin Pajama Party? Guess. Go on. Guess how I did.

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 223.00-259.00

1. Purple Crap Stains 1-0-0
2. Extreme Hummingbird 1-0-0
3. Night Train 1-0-0
4. Snooze Alarm 1-0-0
5. De chier des bulles 1-0-0
6. MightyPurpleHelmets 0-1-0 .
7. Intercepticons 0-1-0
8. Purple People Eaters 0-1-0
9. Blue Blazer Regulars 0-1-0
10. LiL Man 0-1-0

Yup. A big, fat loss. I played Joe in this league. If I have to lose to someone, Joe's a better choice than most... but the thing is? It still sucks. Especially watching the win get snatched away on Monday evening by his QB... a QB I started in another league. See, the irony here is I needed that QB to do crappy here so I could win... but I also needed him to do well in the other league so I could win there. What he did instead? He was as mediocre as possible, and as a result robbed me in both leagues. That's right, I'm talkin' to you, Carson Palmer!

Nancy, by the way, is not only in 5th here, but you may have noticed she's in first in her NFL.COM division AND that she won both games this week! I'd like to say that's all due to my fine instruction and inspiration... but sadly, all available evidence contradicts that statement. I did send her a link to the fantasy football sign-up pages though... that counts for something, right?

Oh look! That "other league" I was just mentioning? This is it! Al Bundy Football League! And lookee there! It's another loss! This time to Tony! Carson Palmer may have let me down, but Tony's defense was stellar, so I'm not sure it woulda' made a difference if Carson was firing footballs out of his butt at eagerly-awaiting wide receivers... though it woulda' made for damn good TV.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 249.44-275.09

1. LightsOut 1-0-0
2. The Flying Frenchman 1-0-0
3. Death by Haiku 1-0-0
4. Arsenal 1-0-0
5. BALCO 1-0-0
6. Bliss's Blitzers 1-0-0
7. San Diego Zoo 0-1-0
8. Livefree; Rhymehard 0-1-0
9. The Pastry Ducks 0-1-0
10. Baby Bashers 0-1-0
11. Alabama Hot Pockets 0-1-0
12. ativan stat 0-1-0

In 8th for now. I'm okay with that... for this week, anyway.

So that's a wrap for Week 1, my friends. Me? I'm learning from it, and moving on. At least I hope so... I don't want a repeat of what happened when I designed and built those waffle-powered submersibles. Then? Then I just moved on... turns out the learning is the most important part of that statement. Now I know.

Remember When The Skies Were Friendly?

So there's a joke that goes: "This college girl gets on an airplane...."

You know what I find objectionable on a Southwest flight? Low-fat Lorna Doones. And crying kids. Howsabout we leave those on the jetway?

Sing A New Song

Threw The Looking Glass

The moment we've all been waiting for came and went with a lip-synched whimper on Sunday night. Britney Spears gave her “comeback” performance at the MTV Video Music Awards!

MTV had threatened to pull the plug if Britney didn’t behave over the weekend in Las Vegas. Obviously MTV chose not to cancel because they love ratings and hate music so much. NY Daily News reports:

“Britney knows she's on thin ice. When they agreed to the performance, they
sat her down and told her she should not be going out, and instead focus on
rehearsing and resting,” an insider said. “She seemed to be thankful and
appreciative for the chance, but who knows with her? MTV made it clear that her
usual behavior will not be tolerated.”

Britney clearly heeded the warning - and spent the entire weekend partying.

"The pop tart was spotted sipping a frozen margarita before her VMA
rehearsal Friday. Then Spears showed up at Snoop Dogg's bash at Body English in
the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino about 1 a.m. yesterday in a cute, black
strapless dress. She had her people immediately call man-of-the-moment Criss
Angel to meet her, sources said. Spears has denied the two are dating. One
source said, “She's totally phoning this in. She doesn't seem to care how this
goes. She's been drinking a bunch and not putting her all into rehearsing.”

Supposedly Criss Angel was consulted about adding magic to the performance. What magic was that? The off-rhythm dancing? The fishnet stockings whose seemingly-boundless strength suggests a Kryptonian origin? Or maybe it was a dark magic that struck fear into those who looked too closely. I mean, 50 Cent has been shot nine times and he was scared shitless sitting there in the front row. He’s probably been up all night, clutching his blanket in fear that she'll sloppily dance out of the closet at any second. God knows I was.

Lynch Pinned

Up The Down Staircase

Andrew Lipson, a LEGO building genius, has recreated M.C. Escher's "Relativity" with LEGOs. It looks damn good, and I think it is safe to say that he should win some kind of award for doing such a bang-up job. Just don't look at it for too long though, because I think I did, and now my head is spinning and I just threw up Fruity Pebbles on the cat I don't have that sleeps too much.

One Born Every Minute

In addition to swapping venereal diseases and any last traces of dignity, Britney Spears and Criss Angel were also spotted sharing a lollipop at the opening of LAX... but there’s more to this sucker than meets the eye!

Extra reports:

"The sucker Britney was sharing is more than just a sweet treat: it’s a diet
secret. Insiders tell us she recently received a shipment of Hoodia lollipops,
which suppress the appetite and supply an energy boost."

In the fifth grade I had to give a report about sugar. Then about a week ago, I mixed Jagermeister with Red Bull and suddenly I was five hours in the future – without pants! So, to answer your question, yes, I am a real scientist. Anyway, if you eat nothing but sugar, you will lose weight. You will also go into diabetic shock and probably die. I want to say I’m going somewhere with this, but in retrospect nothing but good can come from this scenario. Carry on, Britney.

A Tale Of Five Drafts

The fantasy football drafts are ovah!

In the past I've posted not only my lineups, but those of Nancy, Joe, Tony & Robert. Not this year, kids! Mostly because... well, let's face it, no one but me really cares. Don't you fret, though! When I post the weekly updates you'll be able to track all of our color-coded progress same as ever! I may even trot out new colors!

The drafts were cool 'cause they really ran the gamut. I had an automated draft that I planned rigorously for... and one that I, well, didn't. I had three live drafts, in each of which I tried a different strategy, while trying not to duplicate too many players (which is tough when you're drafting for five teams, tellyouwhat).

In no particular order, I present to you your fightin' The Powerful Mach 5!, Sith Lords of the Gridiron, Catchers In The Rye, Blue Blazer Regulars and Live Free; Rhyme Hard!


Die Hard Fantasy Football 2007 - NFL.COM (Live Draft)

The Powerful Mach 5!

Tom Brady, QB
Jon Kitna, QB
Thomas Jones, RB
Julias Jones, RB
Willie Parker, RB
Andre Johnson, WR
Matt Jones, WR
Joey Galloway, WR
Bernard Berrian, WR
Bo Scaife, TE
Antonio Gates, TE
Neil Rackers, K
D Steelers, DST
D Vikings, DST

This was my first live NFL.COM draft, and I guess it went okay. I picked third to last in the first round, so no marquee running back for me, but I snapped up Tom Brady and Antonio Gates. Oh, and I'm happy with my defenses (I seem to have more faith in the Vikings "D" this year than anyone, but we'll show you!). The most amazing thing about this draft? The guy who picked first got, naturally, Ladanian Tomlinson. No brainer. While he waited for his next pick he was chatting away with the rest of us, so imagine our surprise when for his second pick he snapped up... Michael Vick! The chat room software couldn't keep up with the deluge of "WTF?" and "Dude! Do you have a TV?" posts.

Why'd I coose this league fulla' strangers? I liked the name, and their team names were almost as whimsical as mine, so it doesn't appear to be a league of extraordinary lunkheads.


No. 1 Seahawks - NFL.COM (Auto Draft)

Sith Lords of the Gridiron

Eli Manning, QB
Marc Bulger, QB
Thomas Jones, RB
Jerious Norwood, RB
Laurence Maroney, RB
Lamont Jordan, RB
Mark Clayton, WR
Plaxico Burress, WR
Terrell Owens, WR
Isaac Bruce, WR
Jeremy Shockey, TE
Neil Rackers, K
D Bengals, DST
D Eagles, DST

Nancy warned me that 5 leagues may be a league (or two) too many... judging from the fact I completely overlooked this draft, I'm almost willing to agree. Almost. I didn't rank my players, or jockey for position... I pretty much ignored it entirely. Funny thing is, it's a pretty solid lineup! I've decided that this is my "Control Group." That sounds way better than admitting I was asleep at the wheel.

Why this league? "SEAHAWKS #1!" It's fate!


Life Is A Game, Boy - NFL.COM (Commissioner, Auto Draft)

Catchers In The Rye

Philip Rivers, QB
Rudi Johnson, RB
DeShaun Foster, RB
Cedric Benson, RB
Brandon Jackson, RB
Larry Fitzgerald, WR
Kevin Curtis, WR
Marty Booker, WR
Jacoby Jones, WR
Calvin Johnson, WR
Vernon Davis, TE
Josh Scobee, K
D Packers, DST
D Cowboys, DST

I "run" this NFL.COM league... which mostly means I opened it, and invited pals. I spent a lot of time ranking the players for this draft, and went back and forth for days on which positions to draft when. RB, RB, QB? RB, QB, RB? RB, QB, RB, WR? Seriously... days. In the end, no, I'm not sure this is any better a lineup than the one in the league I forgot about... but for now, I'd like to think so.

As Commissioner I can't do anything anyone else can't do, but I plan on making use of our message board to keep people engaged, or at least entertained.

I decided that my league would be Catcher in the Rye themed... which pretty much just means the league name, and my team's name are Catcher in the Rye themed... but that's good enough for me. I may spend all season posting pithy Catcher in the Rye quotes. No one'll get it, but what else is new?


Pigskin Pajama Party - Yahoo! (Commissioner, Live Draft)

Blue Blazer Regulars

QB Donovan McNabb
WR Marques Colston
RB Shaun Alexander
TE Tony Gonzalez
W/T Devin Hester
W/R Reggie Brown
W/R Marion Barber III
K Jason Elam
D Champ Bailey
D A.J. Hawk
DB Troy Polamalu
DB Dre' Bly
DL Lofa Tatupu
DL Antonio Pierce

I'm the Commissioner of this league as well, which actually means something in Yahoo! fantasy football. I determined the scoring scheme, and what positions we'd be drafting. I coulda' determined the draft picks, but I left it up to chance... and wound up picking pretty early. I had the choice between Larry Johnson and Shaun Alexander, and in the end I went with Shaun because a) I'm not convinced LJ will repeat his numbers from last year and b) Come on! Shaun's a Seahawk! And as a Seahawk, very underrated, and my personal favorite.

I'm not posting my backups... just take my word for it: they're either pretty damn solid, or very promising as sleepers.

Being Commissioner here is rad 'cause the league's a little chattier, and I can post all sorts of "NOTE(s) FROM THE COMMISSIONER" that range from helpful fantasy hints to cooking tips. No, really.

I called my league "Pigskin Pajama Party" because 99% of the other leagues had really serious names like "I'll piss down your throat after I kick your ass!" and "Not for Retards!" I'm not kidding. People? They take fantasy football pretty seriously. My league, though, it's all about sleepovers, and ghost stories! And popcorn balls!


Al Bundy Football League - Yahoo! (Live Draft)

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

QB Carson Palmer
WR Deion Branch
RB LaDainian Tomlinson
TE Owen Daniels
W/R Ahman Green
W/R Braylon Edwards
K Jeff Reed
D Keith Bulluck
D Bart Scott
DB Gibril Wilson
DB Adrian Wilson
DL Derrick Brooks
DL A.J. Hawk

Finally, the annual bookstore league. Another live draft, and my first EVER #1 pick! Woot! Ladanian Tomlinson, won't you please stand up? I'm pretty happy with this lineup, tell you what. I didn't bother to post the backups, but they're all of pretty stern stuff... including LT's backup, Michael Turner who'd be starting on any other team, and should figure more into the offense this year regardless.

Last year I managed to piss off the entire league by posting football haiku every week. I'm pretty much out of haiku ideas, so maybe this year I'll post a short story in weekly chapters. I'll be the Dickens of the fantasy football world!

Ahhh, fantasy football... it's the best of times, and it's the worst of times.

He's A New World Cat

Sega Toys has released a line of robotic cats in Japan, because, um, people can't care for real cats. The cats interact with you, and when you pull their tails they hiss (just like mine!) Unlike mine though, they don't tear up furniture or pee on your electronics. Another thing they don't do is drink liquids, because I fed one a dish of milk and the damn thing's head shot off and caught fire. Despite the drawbacks, I'll just stick to analog cats.

Running Weird

Welcome back! Didja' get all of the Labor Day gifts you were hoping for?

Larry Rudolph, Britney Spears' ex-manager, was "tracked down" and subpoenaed Thursday and must now testify in the custody battle between Britney and Kevin Federline. Larry had told Ryan Seacrest earlier last week that he was trying to avoid being served for fear of harming Britney’s case. People reports:

"Rudolph “was served about 30 minutes ago,” said Erin Tietsort, the
assistant manager at the Sunset Tan in West Los Angeles, on Thursday afternoon.
“He's employed here. He's part-owner.”

Tietsort described the process server as a 5'8" brunette in black
slacks and a buttoned-up shirt.

“We asked her who she was but she just said she had a meeting with
[Rudolph]. After he walked in he said, 'Can I help you?' and she just handed the
papers and left. He had no idea. He then said [to himself], ‘Oh, okay. Yeah.
They've been looking for me. This is for Britney Spears-Kevin Federline.’ I was
like, ‘Really?’ And he just stared out the window. You could tell he wasn't too
happy about it,” said Tietsort. "

There is only one plausible explanation for this turn of events: Larry Rudolph is absolutely, certifiably 100% retarded. Who publicly -on a syndicated radio show, no less- says they have damaging information about a high-profile celebrity tangled in a high-profile custody battle, then hides out in an establishment they own? Larry Rudolph. That’s who. In case you’re not fully convinced of the guy’s stupidity, here’s something to chew on: Larry Rudolph thought it was a good idea for Britney Spears to hang out with Paris Hilton.

I'm surprised he didn't hide in the court house.

NOTE: In the pic above? That's Larry Rudolph on the right, in happier times.

Eau de Umber

Demeter, a fragrance company notorious for their offbeat odors (sushi, humidor and dirt) has released a Crayon scent that is sure to drive the kindergarden ladies wild! At $19/ounce, it's a little more expensive than melting crayons on yourself, but probably safer. A must have for the under 6 crowd, nothing says "I accidentally glued my genitals to my leg during craft time" like smelling of crayons.

Welcome To The Bottom Of The Barrel!

Joust, the classic arcade game in which the vague, blocky forms of knights dueled atop things that more or less resembled ostriches, is ready for a big screen treatment, reports GameDaily.

This seems odd to me, considering the only plot I recall in the game was the act of jousting. Luckily, producer Michael Cerenzie clarified:

"Cerenzie calls the new script by Marc Gottlieb "Gladiator meets Mad Max."
The film is set 25 years in the future and includes a Las Vegas suspended in
mid-air.

"We've updated the game into a commercial, tent pole
movie," said Cerenzie. "Marc has done an amazing job in creating a tantalizing
and filmic world based on the original game."

Oh, well, if it's gonna' be like "Gladiator meets Mad Max," it'll be really good then. This surely can't fail. In fact, while you're at it, why not make more classic video games with no story into movies? As long as they're like two other good movies, it's a can't miss plan! Here are some ideas suggestions:

Galaxian - Arachnophobia meets Star Wars

PacMan - Labyrinth meets Ghost

Frogger - Death Race meets The Muppet Show

Asteroids - Armageddon meets Schindler's List (hey, the game was in black & white)

Centipede - Anaconda meets Mega Snake meets Walking Tall

Mmmmmmmm... Pants!

My hero, David Letterman, is scheduled to appear on Oprah next month following the most powerful human's appearance on his show last year! Prior to that, the two had a long-standing feud, largely centered on Dave juxtaposing Oprah's name with Uma Thurman's over and over and over and over at the Academy Awards. It remains to be seen if Dave will receive Oprah's coveted recommendation or simply be given away to the audience with an iPod nano.

It's Britney, Bitch

Oh frabjous joy!

Two new Britney Spears songs have popped up online and they're every bit as bad as you'd expect. According to The Sun, she opens her new song Cold As Fire with the lyrics:

"I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/Make him come in my mouth/Make him my new baby"

Other sources are saying the lyrics are:

"I'm just the girl with the ability to drive a man crazy/Make him call me mama/Make him my new baby"

You can listen for yourself here, but either way it's bad. Like really, really bad. Like so bad I thought it was a fake my niece recorded in her kitchen. I think they pulled some random people off the subway and made them backup singers. And Britney's next single Gimme More (listen here) opens with the words:

"It's Britney, bitch"

Oooooh, sassy. I don't know about you, but this Britney character sounds like she's got a lot of attitude. I bet she also smokes. She's so cool.

There Is Another Skywalker...

To those who have been telling me for 30 years that light sabers are imaginary, I say this: imaginary things do not get to ride on the space shuttle. Ask William Shatner.

Things That Are In Hiding... Hidden Things...

"Larry Rudolph, Osama bin Laden, Christian Slater's career."

Things aren't looking so good for Britney Spears.

Larry Rudolph, Britney’s ex-manager, spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning and said he does not want to testify in the custody hearing for fear of what he might reveal. People reports:

“He said he's doing his best to hide from Kevin's process server," Ryan
Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his
KIIS-FM radio show. "He's actually on the run. They are trying to track him down
and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the
custody battle.” Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears
earlier this year, “doesn't want to be served because he said it won't be good
for Britney," said Seacrest. "After all they have been through he is still loyal
to her, and he doesn't want to have to go under oath and talk about certain
things that might hurt her.”


Regarding his whereabouts, Rudolph would only reveal is that he is with
his children. Furthermore, said Seacrest, the former manager wants it publicly
known that he is avoiding being served the subpoena."

Pile this on top of the child abuse investigation and it definitely looks like Kevin Federline will win custody of the children. Not that there was any doubt. Any rational person with an IQ above, I dunno, five, had this figured out months ago. I ran into a two-year-old the other day who looked at me and said, “Britney bad mommy.” Then the kid ate a pebble.

Thanks for playing the pyramid.

Gonzo Fatalism

It was you, Fredo.

Sweet!

Variety reports that NBC has decided to resurrect American Gladiators! The new version will focus on the reality aspect of the show, such as the back stories of contestants as well as following their training, etc. The show will feature eight gladiators (four men and four women) though there's no word if any of the originals like Nitro or Turbo will return. Although I'm kinda' hoping they just bring in wild gorillas, dress them up in spandex, and let them beat the contestants to death with mallets fashioned from Rice Krispie treats.

Half A Mind Away

At this point I'm just impressed she figured out the fish bowl.

Looks Like She Maaaaaaade It

While Lindsay Lohan may have ducked felony cocaine charges, she was charged with seven misdemeanors, including two counts of driving under the influence and misdemeanor possession of coke. TMZ says:

"Lohan, who was busted twice since Memorial Day weekend, was charged with
two counts of driving under the influence. If convicted of both, she'd face a
minimum of four days in jail. If a felony were filed, Lohan could have faced
several years in state prison.

TMZ goes on to explain why Lindsay only received a misdemeanor drug charge:

"In Lohan's case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of
time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction
problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a
rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age - 21 - and the fact that her
upbringing was extremely unstable - also worked in her favor."

It really says a lot when the law enforcement community agrees that Dina Lohan's parenting causes crime. Soon we’ll find out that police officers have the right to use deadly force if they spot her within 100 yards of a school. Of course legend has it she can only be killed when her youngest son Cody forgets her morning gin and tonic. That, my friends, is when we’ll strike.

UPDATE:

So it seems Lindsay Lohan has struck a deal by pleading no contest to two counts of DUI and will serve 10 days community service and one day in jail (the minimum sentence of four days was cut in half by the judge, and she was also credited one day for the time served when she was arrested). Lindsay also pleaded guilty to two counts of being under the influence of a controlled substance and pled no contest to reckless driving. The judge ordered Lindsay to serve 36 months probation and attend an alcohol education program for 18 months, as well as enroll in a drug program and "not to associate with people with controlled substances." Lindsay issued the following statement:

"It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable
because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs.

Recently, I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law, and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case. No matter what I said when I was under the influence on the day I was arrested, I am not
blaming anyone else for my conduct other than myself. I thank God I did not
injure others. I easily could have.


I very much want to be healthy and gain control of my life and career and have asked for medical help in doing so. I am taking these steps to improve my life. Luckily, I am not alone in my daily struggle and I know that people like me have succeeded. Maybe with time it will become easier. I hope so.

She sounds pretty serious about getting healthy, but one day in jail? For seven misdemeanors, including driving with a blood alcohol level almost double the legal limit and trying to run somebody down in her car? I waved at a police officer the wrong way once ten years ago and got a worse sentence. I'm typing this in the prison library.

Save Us, Johnny Bravo!

In case you haven't already heard it, Ryan Seacrest played Britney Spears' new single on his 102.7 KIIS FM radio show this morning. And yeah, it's bad. And I don't mean, "Hey, it's Britney Spears, let's say her new song is bad even if it isn't" bad. I mean, "Hey, this is really bad, how do you turn it off, and also shoot me in the face" bad. You can listen to the new single here and check out the lyrics here:

Everyday, I’m in a daze

Looking for that someone
And everyday, I sit and kneel and pray
Oh, sweet love, can I get some?
So why do you desert me, baby boy?
I need your love right now!
And if you desert me, baby boy
Don’t you leave me in your crowd
[Talking]
Hey baby, what time you gonna get home?
Oh, really?
[Sigh]
Alright, well, I’ll see you later, then
Oh, wait
Would you mind getting some…
Yeah, when you come home
Yeah, that’s it
I love you too
Bye
[Singing again]
Some day when you see my face
You will think that you have won
And some day when it’s all away
Our love just begun
So why did you desert me, baby boy?
I thought that you, you were the one
So if you preferred the other one
She won’t bring you the sun(son)

Did she really put a fake phone conversation in there? Why yes, yes she did. I can't believe this is actually her big comeback song. After listening to it I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out of my closet and tell me I got Punk'd.

Got It Bad, Got It Bad, Got It Bad

And Now For Something...

Defacer

In one of the saddest turns of events I have ever read, some guy managed to secure a direct casting of Han Solo in carbonite from the original The Empire Strikes Back prop, and then had the face sawed off and replaced with a mold of his. This is in no way, shape, or form cool at all. What was this guy thinking? You have an iconic piece of one of the best movies of all time, and you go and deface it (literally). He probably has the Holy Grail chalice from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade too, but decided it wasn't cool enough and had to glue plastic rhinestones on it and write "Pimp Juice" on the side with puffy paint.

Lighten Up

I tell you, kids today... they don't know the simple joy of holding a lighter arm's-length over the heads of dozens of alcohol-soaked concert-goers. No wonder our society is falling apart.

Some wackjob has made a website that features a close-up of a lighter flame. "Why?" you ask? Well, of course it's so you can navigate to it on your cell phone at concerts and then display a fake flame to wave around like a fake-flame-waving idiot. Nobody has lighters anymore? How are you supposed to light fireworks and cigarettes... or timber wolves? The last time I was at a concert and it was time to wave our lighters, I caught the guy next to me waving a cell phone (he wasn't even using the flame!), so I set his hair on fire. Several skin grafts and Marlo Thomas wigs later, he's still stupid. I hope this has taught you all a valuable life lesson, kids.

Rejuvenile Hall

Tonight's episode: You're out, Barnaby... and murder is in.

I can't even begin to tell you how awesome I am at 4-Square. When I was in grade school? The things I was good at you could count on one busted hand, but these two pastimes were always top of the heap:

1. Watching Quinn Martin productions on a weekend night
2. Playing 4-Square

Being so great at either may have given me my flair for the dramatic... and for spotting the bluff. It's hard to say... but it's good to say that I'd happily go back out on the court any ol' time. I welcome -and pity- any challengers. And then? Then I dare you to a round of "Duck, Duck, Goose." Loser. Yeah, that's right. I said it. "Loser." Even if you can run fast, I've seen you get up from Indian-Style, and I have to say, your form sucks, and you just can't explode off the line. Stick to the tetherball courts.

Nannies & The Professor

Hoo boy! Britney Spears' old nannies are coming forward with stories about Britney, and apparently before Jayden was born, Britney would regularly ask one of her nannies to sleep in the same bed as her and Sean. Additionally, Britney would also drink around her kids and strip down in front of staff and nannies. A former staffer tells Us:

“At first, the drinks would help her loosen up and not be so angry. But
she’d inevitably drink too much and be out of it, at which point the nannies
would take care of the kids.”
And multiple sources confirm Spears’
exhibitionist streak: “She’ll strip down in front of staff, nannies, whomever,”
says one. “She’ll ask, ‘Do I look sexy? Do I look pretty?’ She’s extremely
insecure.”

As former caretakers tell Us, being on the Spears payroll requires much more than childcare experience.

"She just cares about whether they're young and fun and like to drink and
party," says a source: “She hires people to be her friends.”

It was funny at first, but now I actually feel sorry for her. Well... almost. If she hadn't made $100 gazillion when she was younger, she'd probably be stripping or in porn right now. Which sounds funny, but, well... yeah, you know, I guess that is kinda' funny. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, yesterday I had ice cream! Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Expletively Yours

LOL!

From the "We live in a cave on a distant planet" department comes Official Meeting Facilities Guide's magazine "OMFG".

Now right there on the cover it indicates that they have a website (also omfg.com) which 1. I am surprised was not already taken, and 2. might indicate that maybe somebody involved would be internet-savvy enough to realize that the name they've chosen is horrible. They were probably sitting at the boardroom table kicking around ideas for a name, and eventually narrowed down to "WTF", "STFU", and "ROTFLMAO" before finally just going with the classic "OMFG".

Photoshopaholic

Allure Magazine has maybe the most insulting photo shoot with Britney Spears you've ever seen. Do they really expect anybody to believe this is what she looks like? They could've photographed a stack of pancakes wearing a fedora and it would've looked more like Britney Spears. With this much airbrushing they might as well have hired a cartoonist to just draw pictures of her instead.

I don't know what made me think of this, but click here, then click on "Portfolio."

Dogged

NFL quarterback Michael Vick is facing federal charges for allegedly participating in illegal dogfighting, and now he's being hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by South Carolina inmate Jonathan Lee Riches, who says Michael stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran." Fox News reports:

"The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because
he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February of this year.

“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and
dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.

Riches wants $63 billion dollars “backed by gold and silver “
delivered to the front gates to the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility
in South Carolina. Riches is an inmate at the facility serving out a wire fraud
conviction."

Oh yeah... did I mention the lawsuit was written by hand? Because it's written by hand. And though I'm not a lawyer, I have to say that this Jonathan Lee Riches sounds like he's got a rock-solid case. Michael Vick better start saving, 'cause "$63 billion dollars backed by gold and silver “ is kind of a lot of money. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good with numbers.

The Projector At The Planetarium

From Tuesday's (8/14) San Jose Mercury News:

By Sal PizarroMercury News

The code is cracked.

And for anyone who thought a simple message was being transmitted
by the rotating disks atop the Adobe tower in downtown San Jose, boy, were you
wrong.


The message of San Jose Semaphore is the entire text of the Thomas
Pynchon book, "The Crying of Lot 49."


The solution was discovered by two Silicon Valley tech workers, Bob
Mayo and Mark Snesrud, who received a commendation at San Jose City Hall today.


Using both the rotating disks and the art project's audio
broadcast, they deciphered a preliminary code based on the James Joyce novel,
"Ulysses," which was the key to solving the entire message. It took them about
three weeks.


"It was not a real easy thing to figure out," said Snesrud, a chip
designer for Santa Clara based W&W Communications.


Ben Rubin, the New York artist who developed the project, applauded
the duo's "computational brute force" in finding the message.


"I'm especially glad the code was cracked and that it was done in a
very classical way," Rubin said.


The Pynchon book, written in the mid-1960s, is set in a fictional
California city filled with high-tech campuses. It follows a woman's discovery
of latent symbols and codes embedded in the landscape and local culture, Rubin
said.


The semaphore is made up of four 10-foot wide disks, which are
composed of 24,000 light-emitting diodes. The disks each have a dark line going
from one end to another and twirl around every eight seconds to create a new
pattern.


It made its debut on Aug. 7, 2006 as part of the ZeroOne digital
art festival. Rubin said there are no plans to stop the semaphore or change its
message - at least for the time being.
"It'll change the way people look
it," Rubin said of having the solution known. "Maybe in a few years, we'll
revisit it."

Malice In Wonderland

Outside it's America!



I'd like to think that these displays will maybe help them/us confront our own hypocrisies, and in the process help us grow as people, and as a society which-- oh, I just can't do it. I'm sorry. They're horrible people in the Big Brother house, and I'm at best marginally better only by virtue of merely watching their shenanigans, and not actually participating in them.

Tuesday! 8:00! It's "Power of Veto" night!

Indiana Jones and the Broom No One Noticed

A scooper for SlashFilm revealed an MPAA title registration report that reveals LucasFilm has registered six Indiana Jones titles in the database, meaning one of these will more than likely be the title of the fourth chapter of the series. Those titles are:

- Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
- Indiana Jones and the Destroyer of Worlds
- Indiana Jones and the Fourth Corner of the Earth
- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- Indiana Jones and the Lost City of Gold
- Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Covenant

Unfortunately, this probably rules out the possibility of other rumored titles like:

- Indiana Jones and that City Near Visalia
- Indiana Jones and the Journey Through the Human Bloodstream
- Indiana Jones and the Joke About His Age
- Indiana Jones and the High Score at Crystal Castles
- Indiana Jones and the Unremarkable Statue
- Indiana Jones and the Case of the Shopworn Sneakers
- Indiana Jones and the Women (originally featuring Dr. T)
- Indiana Jones and the Attempt to Return an Artifact to a Museum
- Indiana Jones: Jonesin' for Treasure!

Ha Ha!

166?

According to Deadline Hollywood, Jim Brooks, the producer/writer for The Simpsons, claims The Simpsons Movie screenplay went through 166 drafts. Which just makes absolutely no sense. I mean The Simpsons Movie was decent enough, but for 166 drafts you'd expect liquid gold to pour out of your eyes, and for it to mold itself into tiny, golden kittens in your lap that would feed you buttered popcorn throughout the film... even getting you refills.

If I had to guess I would've gone with two, three drafts tops.

K-Fed For The People

In a move no one could have foreseen or imagined a year ago, Kevin Federline's lawyer went to court recently and filed legal papers seeking custody of his two children with Britney Spears. The documents are under seal so the details of the petition are unknown, but K-Fed recently threatened to file for full custody because of Britney's recent behavior.

I don't really see how K-Fed can mess this up. Anybody who owns a computer or TV knows what kind of mother Britney Spears is. K-Fed could show up to court smoking a midget and carrying a cage with "baby" written on the side and still end up getting the kids.

Amber Rage & Hate

It's really too complicated to get into, but here's the Cliffs Notes version: Amber told 50 million people that she lied to her boyfriend, and now she's mad Eric would tell one of 9 people still locked in a shack in a Studio City parking lot. Amber's the one in the hat.



You wanna' know how it felt to be in that room? Watch this:



But here's the thing... before you feel bad for Amber, check this out:



And people wonder why we watch Big Brother three times a week.

Just Before The Robot Uprising

While receptionist robots are nothing new, bright yellow ones that sing cheerful songs are. Developed by Mitsubishi, a number of Wakamaru robots (Japanese for "delightful yellow punching bag with kick-action detachable head") have been purchased by temp agencies in the country for use as dispatch workers. The highlights of the robots' capabilities include:

"Face recognition (search for and follow faces), Basic manual tasks, Good listener (voice recognition capabilities), Good verbal skills with customers (vocabulary of 10,000 words), Sings cheerful songs, Escort visitors to different destinations within your office building."

I don't know about you, but this thing sounds like a dream come true for the office. Nothing quite says "I had a great day at work" like drop-kicking the head off of a $15,000 robot because it wouldn't stop singing long enough to make coffee.

Drivin' Me Crazy

To the makers of the "Steering Wheel Desk":

As an executive on the go, time management is a very important factor in my daily life. After critical examination I realized there was one time during the day where I was really not utilizing my time to the fullest: in the car, driving! I cannot tell you how relieved I am to have discovered the steering wheel desk. Now I can write emails, check my horoscope, watch movies, download music, and drive down the sidewalk at the same time! Not only that, but I think I ran over a bum two nights ago! Better make a note of that!

Guitar Hero, Build 2.0

This guy built a fully functional Guitar Hero controller out of Legos!

He says:

"This is a custom guitar controller for the game Guitar Hero, modeled after
a Gibson Explorer guitar, with an extra large scratch-plate for style. I gutted
the real controller and put the electronic boards in the lego case, so it
actually works, too."

So does making something out of Legos automatically make it cool? Try it with medicine, or Senators, and let me know how it works out!

Are You There God? It's Me, Lindsay.

Lindsay Lohan had a photo shoot with Elle magazine two months ago, and apparently stole a bunch of stuff from Luis Vuitton. She was once considered to be the new face of the company, but now they won't even lend her clothes. A source tells Page Six.

"Louis Vuitton had sent over some samples for her to wear in the shoot. Lindsay [at right, in a shot with a stuffed tiger from the September issue], kept shoving the clothes into her bag, and a stylist's assistant kept getting them out of the bag, only to have Lindsay keep trying to take them. She ended up walking off with a very expensive shirt and some other items - which screwed Louis Vuitton because they were set to go to Vogue, W and Harper's Bazaar for other shoots. They were furious and kept trying to get their clothes back, but ... Lindsay walked out with them and never returned calls."

Does this news surprise anyone? This sounds exactly like something Lindsay Lohan would do. You know how in movies when somebody is about to make a decision and a devil and angel pop up on their shoulders? Well for Lindsay it would be two confused goats. They wouldn't even give her any advice. They'd just show up, chew some grass, and Lindsay would end up doing whatever the hell she wanted.

Nothin To Gain 'cept Killin’ Your Brain

Remember not so long ago there was a rumor going around awhile back that Keith Richards mixed his dad's cremated ashes with some cocaine and snorted it? Well he's clarifying the rumor, and tells Rolling Stone yes, he did snort his dad's ashes, but he didn't mix them with cocaine. So it's all good everybody, no need to worry. I bet all you people who thought he was a freak feel pretty silly about now. Man, how embarrassing for you.

The Lamb Lies Down On... Well, Everything

A seven-legged lamb was born in New Zealand a few days ago. The animal had three hind legs and two extra legs that hung uselessly behind the forelegs. Which reminds me, I need to take my daily bath in radioactive waste. Those superpowers aren't going to develop on their own.

Hell, Boy!

MTV got their hands on the limited-edition Hellboy 2 poster from Comic-Con, illustrated by Hellboy creator Mike Mignola. Guillermo del Toro’s Hellboy 2: The Golden Army comes out Summer 2008, and from what I can tell it will pit Hellboy against a giant crane game. "You will be mine, stuffed animal doggie!"

Stay Frosty, Optimus!

This woman wanted to do something special for her husband's 30th birthday so she ordered a gigantic Optimus Prime birthday cake.

"The thing is the size of a toddler (and I'm sure has more calories ^_^). It has brownie dirt complete with fondant grass and the body is made of cake and rice crispy treats."

Kind of puts this Optimus Prime cake to shame, doesn't it?

This one was basically a truck while that first one? That one is, well, Optimus Prime.

Why Don't I Fit In?

Statetris is Tetris with US states!

Try it on "Hard" and then weep at your own inadequacies. Try it on "Easy", fail, and feel what it's like to be me for just a moment.