Sweet Home, Chicago

It's the Honorable Richard Daley Plaza! You know, from the climax of The Blues Brothers!

Soldier Field! Gee, I think renovating that stadium was a swell idea!

Nancy kissing a dinosaur. Then we got yelled at for taking pictures. Go figure.


My name is Sue! How do you do?

Mother's! You knew me, but I didn't know you.


Second City! Where John Belushi was born, and where I spilled my Mohito!

It turns out they were filming The Dark Knight in Chicago during our stay...

While Brian Urlacher filmed a TV commercial...


Oh, and the hardest thing about finding the Bob Newhart statue at Navy Pier?

Finding anyone on Navy Pier who has heard of Bob Newhart.

A Big City Instead Of Merely A Large Place

"It's a 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes; it's dark and we're wearing sun glasses. Hit it!" ~The Blues Brothers

As Good As It's Name

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been." ~Mark Twain

Atoms Gone Wild

"Don't touch that dial! Don't touch that one either! And stop touching yourself! SCTV is on the air!" ~SCTV Tagline

Floor, Unwrapped

Man Of Spinto

You know what, Betty? We're goin' anyway!

Superman? Singing? Dancing? Together? Easily the best idea since corrugated cardboard!

There's Daggers In Men's Smiles

“That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!”
~Homer Simpson

Harry Potter And The Sputtering Hype Machine

Over the past couple of weeks, numerous torrents have surfaced online claiming to be the 7th and last Harry Potter book. They are all fakes. Can you really be surprised? This one, on the other hand, is the real thing. Someone has managed to get their hands on the American edition of the book and has photographed each page of and uploaded it to BitTorrent.

Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Look, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't... but will reading it stop anyone from buying it this weekend? Hell, reading it will probably boost sales... how else will you know if you really got the scoop... or just some really convincing fanfic?

Real or not, it's an impressive amount of initiative and moxy... be it on the part of crazed fans or cooly reasoning publicists.

The other thing that's amazing about this is that the main complaint that’s coming up in comment threads on these content-sharing sites is that the quality isn’t great. Not that it's posted... but that it's hard to read. You can just barely manage to read each page. And as some downloaders promptly noted, a few pages can't be read at all without editing the images in Photoshop.

Now, in the interest of saving your eyesight -or sanity- here's a rundown of the major plot points. Yes, (if you buy that this is the real deal) when you click the link, you'll learn who lives, who dies and who muggles a Voldemort... or something. So, if you want to remain unspoilt, for the love of Hermione, don't click here!

Toxic

Britney Spears was spotted at Millennium dance studio sporting a pink wig and carrying her new $3,000 pet Yorkie in her hand. She bought the dog last Friday and named him "London", adding to her growing collection of pets which included a parakeet she bought from Petco last month. I write "included" because it hasn't escaped my attention that the parakeet hasn't been seen or heard from since she loaded it into her car. I'm not saying she necessarily killed it, I'm just saying she did. So see, I'm pretty sure the last thing Britney Spears needs is more living creatures to care for. This thing would have a better chance of survival if it was being raised by the inside of a bear's mouth.

Thank You, Come Again

So if you're lookin' for a Kwik-E Mart, here you go.

Nancy and I made the trek to the Bay Area's only Kwik-E Mart this weekend. Imagine our surprise when we saw the line outside. The line to get into a 7-11. Dozens of people waiting in line to enter a 7-11 that some corporate clown transformed into a knock-off of a fictional convenience store that's a knock-off itself of every 7-11. Is that a refreshing whimsy, or a distinct lack of imagination? I dunno... but I know we want to go back later this month when we might actually be able to go inside.

UPDATE: Yes, we went back on a weekday, and yes we got in! Woot! Squishees all around!

Hilary Or High Water

Hilary Duff lip-synched her way through So You Think You Can Dance recently, which was a terrible idea because she can't actually dance. Or sing. Or lip-synch, really. She basically shuffles around on stage for three minutes while waving her arms a bit. You'd get better dancing from a toaster oven. She's more qualified to be on Jeopardy than to be on So You Think You Can Dance.

The Customer Is Always Late

So not long ago, I went to lunch.

I go to lunch -if not "most" days, many days- like most worker bees. Usually later in the afternoon. Like between 2:00 and 3:00. It just works out that way.

It also works out that, during the summer, my local eatery options are unceremoniously shuttered at 3:00. It's not my place to debate their profound wisdom. Me? I go with the flow. I roll like that. Yo.

Anyway, this happened just recently. I'm not making it up. If I were, you'd know because in my recounting I'd be feeding a unicorn tulips with one hand while fighting off reptilian bounty hunters with a half-charged light saber in the other. No, this happened... and all I wanted was some soup. Truth be told, I didn't want soup. I was getting soup for someone less fortunate... or at least, less mobile.

Me: "Yeah, may I get some soup?"
Girl: "Soup?"
Me: "Yes, soup. I'd like some. Chicken noodle. It was out there earlier."
Girl: "Oh, soup. I broke the soup down."
Me: "Good for you. I want some. I'll wait."
Girl: "I broke it down."
Me: "When do you close?"
Girl: "3:00"
Me: "Isn't it just after 2:00 now?"
Girl: "Yes."
Me: "So you're still serving food, right?"
Girl: "Yes."
Me: "And soup is considered food, right?"
Girl: "Ye-es."
Me: "Is there still soup? I mean, was it all consumed? Is the soup gone?"
Girl: "Oh no; I just broke it down."
Me: "So there is soup here in the building I could have?"
Girl: "Yes... but I broke it down."
Me: "Good. I want some soup. I'll wait."

So she goes and gets the tub o' soup, and plops it down on a counter for me. The ladle had fallen into the soup. Luckily, she let me reach in and get it... I was afraid she'd use tongs or, I don't know... get another ladle, but nope! I was afforded the opportunity to fish around in the tub for the soup-slickened ladle. I was obligingly gracious, even as I poked at the ladle with a plastic knife.

Me: "Thank you!"
Girl: "Uh-huh."
Me (after extricating the ladle): "You think I could have a cup?"
Girl: "I broke them down."
Me: "Yeah, I saw that. I need a cup."
Girl: "I'll go get one?"
Me: "Is that really a question?"
Girl: "No?"
Me: "No."
Girl: "I'll go get a cup."
Me: "Yes, I'd appreciate that."
Girl: "Do you need a lid?"
Me: "What do you think?"
Girl: "I'll bring lids."
Me: "Thank you!"

Honestly, why even bother posting hours if you're just going to ignore them? "Sure, we're open 'till 3:00, but we toss the food out and clean the fixtures at 2:00 because we don't want to have to stay past 3:05. Oprah's on." I'd actually respect that argument more than their averted gazes and the way they scurry about like guilt-ridden cockroaches every day when I go to get a sandwich and the only thing still available is a bag of Fritos and yesterday's sushi. Is cleaning the toaster oven early really worth the slings and arrows those of us who just want to eat during the posted hours inevitably throw when we can't get a hot dog at 2:45?

I'm sorry. I haven't eaten in three days. I'm pissy.

More Like Cuba "Bading"! Thank You! Try The Veal!

The brains behind Daddy Day Care apparently were so pleased with themselves that they decided to make a sequel, and the trailer's now online.

Oh boy. What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said about the holocaust? Hey, remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. won an Oscar? Since then he's been in Snow Dogs, Pearl Harbor, Boat Trip, and Norbit, among other steaming piles of poop. I could wipe my butt with my resume after a big glass of Metamucil and it'd still have fewer turds on it than his.

For the love of god, man, get a new agent. Not soon... now.

It can't be fun making movies for the "family-too-dumb-to-notice-something-sucks" crowd.

Shippen The Knight

First of all, if I never type/say "Manny" again I'll be a very happy guy. Content, even.

So, there's been speculation that Britney Spears has started dating her bodyguard/manny, Daimon Shippen, but a source close to them says their relationship is purely professional. People reports:

" "He's her bodyguard and manny," says a source familiar with Shippen's
employment. "They're not dating." Shippen, a California native described by the
source as "funny, but on the quiet side," is "tickled" by the attention from the
media. "But he really wants to focus on his job: taking care of the kids and of
her," says the source."

Apparently this is the same guy who saved Sean Preston's life when Britney almost dropped him about a year ago. Although considering this is Britney Spears, saving Sean Preston's life probably isn't that big a deal. The 7-Eleven guy who found him in the hot dog case has saved his life. As has the cabbie who noticed him on the hood of the car. I saved his life twice this morning on my way to the bathroom.

Finglongerer

Hey! It's Wesley, everyone! Channeling Kirk & Picard! Click the pic!

Too Much Confusion Here

It's the best damn show on television, and this November brings us its final season. The last 22 episodes of our beloved Battlestar Galactica, and a prequel the kids call Razor. Check it out, then go buy seasons 1-3 on DVD. And get me a Slurpee while you're out, alright?

Sick Again

If this whole thing makes me sick, what do I do?



Michael Moore was on Wolf Blitzer's show recently, and CNN made the mistake of showing a piece by Sanjay Gupta where he attempts to refute some of the facts Moore makes in Sicko with Moore sitting there the whole time. And I must say, Gupta does a pretty lame job of it - pointing out that Americans spend $6,096 on health care a year rather than the $7,000 Moore claims, among other things. Ooooooh, hard hitting.

Anyway, by the time Moore got on he was all full of piss and vinegar and basically berated Wolf Blitzer for being, well, Wolf Blitzer. Why he isn't Bernie, I'll never know.

Cloverfield

I Knit, iPearl

What's the story, Morning Glory? Can't afford an iPhone? Just get your mom to knit you one! This is officially the coolest mom in the world. Unless you count mine. She wears sunglasses and a leather jacket. Just like the Fonz!

A Lady Doesn't Wander All Over The Room

By WAYNE PARRY

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) -

With apologies to Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry, this Saturday you've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?"

Lots of people do, for one simple reason. Saturday will be July 7, 2007, or 7-7-07. In numerological terms, that's about as big as it gets for the superstitious.

People are booking gambling junkets, casinos are offering "7"-themed promotions, and about three times the normal number of couples plan to get married that day, including Eva Longoria and basketball player boyfriend Tony Parker.

Nearly 100 couples will tie the knot atop roller coasters or inside revolving teacups at amusement parks at 7 that morning, a California yogi plans to achieve massive harmony through gong meditation at 7 that night, and Christians will gather in a Tennessee football stadium to pray on a day that has good Biblical implications for many.

Experts are quick to point out that Saturday is no more or less likely to be lucky than any other day. But try telling that to Allen Windrim, a 20-something entrepreneur from Philadelphia who owns a real estate management firm, a collection agency and a construction company.

"Hopefully I can get all my vacancies filled that day, all my collection cases settled without going to court, and get seven jobs for the construction company worth seventy-thousand each," he said.

"And then I'll take all that money and put it on Number Seven," he said. "I'm definitely in Atlantic City that day."

Casinos across the country are rolling heavy doses of sevens to attract superstitious gamblers, everything from $7 drink specials to luxury watches selling for $777. The Tropicana Casino and Resort in Atlantic City is offering a $7,777 package that includes a bi-level suite, two tickets to a show and the spa, and dining and shopping credits.

Craps players - among the most superstitious gamblers - have been buzzing for weeks about Lucky 7 Day, said Mario DiGuiseppe, the Tropicana's vice president of casino operations.

Asked if he believes in luck or superstition, DiGuiseppe responded with the certainty of one who knows that the odds always favor the house.

"I believe in math," he said with a chuckle.

Math is no obstacle for William Mobley of Philadelphia, who plans to be in Atlantic City on Saturday.

"I got a feeling about that day," he said. "I'll win over $700. Everything will go people's way that day. At least hopefully mine."

Gambles of a different sort will take couples down the aisle. Kathleen Murray, deputy editor of The Knot - - said 38,000 of the company's members are getting married that day, up from the normal 12,000 for a Saturday in July.

"This is a true phenomenon," she said. "I've never seen anything like this before. Seven has always been considered the luckiest number, and with three sevens in a row brides and grooms feel they're hitting the jackpot that day."

One of them is Jennifer Dybas, 27, of Channahom, Ill., whose fiancee, Jeff Michalek, 34, is a fanatical poker player. Their wedding theme: Lucky In Love.

"We're giving out instant lottery tickets as favors, and we have little chocolate poker chips with '777 - Lucky In Love' written on them," she said. "Our cake has dice on top and a roulette wheel on the bottom, and the king and queen of hearts on it."

"We got the last ballroom at the country club, the last DJ available at the place we went to, and the last photographer at the photo studio we wanted," she said. "So the luck is starting already."

Other brides chose the day for a more practical reason. "Some brides say their husbands will have no excuse to ever forget their anniversary this way," Murray said.

The Six Flags amusement park chain is hosting seven wedding receptions at 7 a.m. at each of its 12 U.S. facilities. They're calling the event "Thrilled Ever After."

The Ritz Carlton Hotel's Central Park location in New York is offering a July 7 wedding package with a reception for 77, a seven-tier wedding cake, seven Tiffany diamonds for the bride, and a seven-night honeymoon at any Ritz in the world for $77,777.

The day has big noncommercial potential as well. Harijiwan, a yoga instructor in Santa Monica, Calif., who uses only one name, plans a gong meditation course at 7 p.m.

"The numerology on this day - 7-7-07 - is phenomenal," he wrote on his Web site. "Seven represents the aura. Three sevens equals 21 (2+13). Three represents the positive mind. Add the 7 p.m. hour and you have four sevens, which equals 28 (2+810). Ten is the radiant body."

Christians will gather in the Nashville football stadium where the Tennessee Titans play to pray and fast on the 7th.

"The number is significant in the Bible because seven represents a covenant," said Julia Richardson, a spokeswoman for the event, titled The Call. "We feel we want to make a covenant with the Lord to pursue him. Whether it's 1,000 people or 100,000 people, we feel we can bring about a change through prayer and fasting."

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella

Remember when Britney attacked a car with an umbrella and scared the crap out of half of the paparazzi and all of the neighbors in Los Angeles in the process? Well, she's sorry.

What the hell is this? If it's a joke I don't get it. And if it's serious, well, then I weep for her DNA. I know she's trying to explain her bizarre behavior, but the only thing this letter makes clear is that Britney Spears would fail a third grade spelling exam.

But wait! There's more! She went on to post a similar message on her website!

You'd think her second time around she'd catch her spelling mistakes or at least make sense, but you'd be wrong. My god, would you be wrong. Is she actually proud of her letter? If I was her I'd be denying I even wrote it, not posting it again on my official website. How are her managers letting this shit slide through? If you walked into their office right now I'm sure you'd see a monkey in a suit, jumping up and down on a desk and waving a banana around, and screaming at a puppy while it tries to answer the phone.

Comedy Of Errors

Sony has put together this guerrilla marketing campaign for the PSP. It's basically a fake book cover to let you play your PSP in peace. Because as all gamers know, nothing fools the Man like a fake copy of The Divine Comedy.

America! Fuck Yeah!

Commute Against Traffic

So, Dubya commuted Scooter's sentence.

It doesn't take a masters in Poli Sci to guess how I feel about that. I don't think anyone should be above the law... that's not exactly a revolutionary view. If the President wants to pardon (or simply commute the sentence of) someone for crimes convicted after evidence has mounted that he/she is in fact not guilty, more power to him. I'll be the first one to volunteer to give Leonard a ride home. But -in this case, for instance- overturning the ruling/wishes of a jury and a conservative judge in a display of what can only be seen as croneyism and a backroom deal to keep Scooter's mouth shut? That's... what do the pundits say? That's fucked up. But heck, what do some cooler -arguably wiser- talking heads have to say about it? Let's go to the phones!

Melanie Sloan, legal counsel to Joe and Valerie Wilson

“First, President Bush said any person who leaked would no longer work in his administration. Nonetheless, Scooter Libby didn’t leave office until he was indicted and Karl Rove works in the White House even today. More recently, the vice president ignored an executive order protecting classified information, claiming he isn’t really part of the executive branch. Clearly, this is anadministration that believes leaking classified information for political ends is justified and that the law is what applies to other people.”

Sen. Barack Obama, D-Illinois, and presidential candidate

“This decision to commute the sentence of a man who compromised our national security cements the legacy of an Administration characterized by a politics of cynicism and division, one that has consistently placed itself and its ideology above the law. This is exactly the kind of politics we must change so we can begin restoring the American people’s faith in a government that puts the country’s progress ahead of the bitter partisanship of recent years.”

Sen. Charles Schumer, D-New York

“As Independence Day nears, we are reminded that one of the principles our forefathers fought for was equal justice under the law. This commutation completely tramples on that principle.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada

“The President’s decision to commute Mr. Libby’s sentence is disgraceful. Libby’s conviction was the one faint glimmer of accountability for White House efforts to manipulate intelligence and silence critics of the Iraq War. Now, even that small bit of justice has been undone. Judge Walton correctly determined that Libby deserved to be imprisoned for lying about a matter ofnational security. The Constitution gives President Bush the power to commute sentences, but history will judge him harshly for using that power to benefit his own Vice President’s Chief of Staff who was convicted of such a serious violation of law.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-California

“The President’s commutation of Scooter Libby’s prison sentence does not serve justice, condones criminal conduct, and is a betrayal of trust of the American people. The President said he would hold accountable anyone involved in the Valerie Plame leak case. By his action today, the President shows his word is not to be believed. He has abandoned all sense of fairness when it comes to justice, he has failed to uphold the rule of law, and he has failed to hold his Administration accountable.”

Sen. Joe Biden, D-Delaware, presidential candidate

“Last week Vice President Cheney asserted that he was beyond the reach of the law. Today, President Bush demonstrated the lengths he would go to, ensuring that even aides to Dick Cheney are beyond the judgment of the law. It is time for the American people to be heard — I call for all Americans to flood the White House with phone calls tomorrow expressing their outrage over this blatant disregard for the rule of law.”

Former Sen. John Edwards, presidential candidate

“Only a president clinically incapable of understanding that mistakes have consequences could take the action he did today. President Bush has just sent exactly the wrong signal to the country and the world. In George Bush’s America, it is apparently okay to misuse intelligence for political gain, mislead prosecutors and lie to the FBI. George Bush and his cronies think they are above the law and the rest of us live with the consequences. The cause of equal justice in America took a serious blow today.”

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, presidential candidate

“It’s a sad day when the President commutes the sentence of a public official who deliberately and blatantly betrayed the public trust and obstructed an important federal investigation,” said Governor Richardson. “This administration clearly believes its officials are above the law, from ignoring FISA laws when eavesdropping on US citizens, to the abuse of classified material, to ignoring the Geneva Conventions and international law with secret prisons and torturing prisoners.

There is a reason we have laws and why we expect our Presidents to obey them. Institutions have a collective wisdom greater than that of any one individual. The arrogance of this administration’s disdain for the law and its belief it operates with impunity are breathtaking.

Will the President also commute the sentences of others who obstructed justice and lied to grand juries, or only those who act to protect President Bush and Vice President Cheney?”

Former GOP Sen. Fred Thompson, likely presidential candidate

"I am very happy for Scooter Libby. I know that this is a great relief to him, his wife and children. While for a long time I have urged a pardon for Scooter, I respect the President’s decision. This will allow a good American, who has done a lot for his country, to resume his life.


Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, presidential candidate

“After evaluating the facts, the President came to a reasonable decision and I believe the decision was correct.”

Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-New York, presidential candidate

“Today’s decision is yet another example that this Administration simply considers itself above the law. This case arose from the Administration’s politicization of national security intelligence and its efforts to punish those who spoke out against its policies. Four years into the Iraq war, Americans are still living with the consequences of this White House’s efforts to quell dissent. This commutation sends the clear signal that in this Administration, cronyism and ideology trump competence and justice.”

Who Do You Want To Be Today?

The Simpsons Movie site now has an amazing avatar feature where you can make yourself into a Simpsons character as easy as you make yourself into a tennis player in your little Wii thingy. Unfortunately, the system is more basic than I'd like, so if you have any distinctive characteristics like glasses, braces, or open sores you're going to have to do without.

Do it for yourself here and see who you can make. For example, here's 'Unabomber' Ted Kaczynski, but I'm certain there are better options.

Too Bad He Doesn't Drive A Cutlass

I don't know if it's the absolute best license plate ever but it's definitely in the top ten. As is my license plate, which is actually just a puppy I stapled to my car.