Call It Heavy Metal

You know, for every Spider-Man 2 and Superman Returns you've gotta' wade throough ten or twelve comic book movies like... well, like this:

Warner Brothers and X-Men producer Lauren Schuler Donner have plans to bring Metal Men, to the screen. As I'm sure you already know, robots invented by Dr. William Magnus, the Metal Men each possess the characteristics and interpreted personalities of separate metals, such as stretchy leader Gold, strongman Iron, insecure Tin, and infant brain-damaging Lead.

You'd think they'd at least work through some of the C-level comic heroes -Blue Beetle or someone at least- before getting to the D-List like these guys, but I'm fine with it as long as Shaq is involved. When you need a big metal superhero, a big stupid genie, or just an idiotic signature grin, Shaq is always the answer.

Easter Parade

Evil Genius

The SnuzNLuz alarm clock connects to your online bank account via WiFi and donates your real money to an organization you hate every time you push the snooze button. I can't figure out if it's pure genius or pure evil. Or both. Although judging by my own sleeping habits, within a year I'll have fully funded some sort of kitten killing organization.

UPDATE: Yes, I know... quit sending me emails.

Accident Report

So, the legend goes this guy was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

Drawing A Complete Blank

Grosse Pointe Blank is easily one of my top ten films... and not just because I have an inappropriate crush on John Cusack. So imagine my excitement when I stumbled across this.

Now, I know what many of you are saying. "Chris," you're saying, "you really have to stop hanging out in my front yard... it's getting creepy." But look, setting your selfish needs for privacy and personal space aside for the moment, can't we just agree that this really is the sequel to Grosse Pointe Blank that we've all been waiting for?

Let's face it, Grosse Pointe Blank was really an alternate reality sequel to Say Anything. One in which Lloyd/Martin never gets back together with Diane/Debbie after she gives him the pen. Instead, he freaks out, joins the army and becomes a professional killer. That's what he does.

The clues are all over the place. First, Lloyd's dinner conversarion during Say Anything with Mr. Cort. Remember, Lloyd's father is a colonel in the army. Wants him to join. But he'd rather kickbox. Tell me that training didn't pay off in Martin/Lloyd's hallway fight with the former KGB assassin in Grosse Pointe Blank.

And speaking of that fight, odd how quickly he thought of a pen as a death-blow-delivering device, isn't it? Painful memories associated with that writing implement... a poison pen that he incinerates, right along with his past.

His old teacher in Grosse Pointe Blank is amazed that he went nowhere with all the potential he had, but we knew from Say Anything that what he lacked was direction... a purpose in life. Diane gave it to him, but without her it's easy to see how he would've ended up doing what his father wanted him to do and how he would be open to the sort of epiphany of meaninglessness Martin experiences on the oil fields (especially as hurt and embittered as he was after Diane dumped him).

It even makes sense that Martin/Lloyd would hire a woman -the only woman he would let himself trust- who reminded him so much of his sister.

Yeah, it's a whole Donnie Darko-esque alternate reality for Lloyd that hinges on Diane's dad not going to jail. After all, she didn't realize she needed Lloyd until her father was arrested.

Don't believe me? Watch Say Anything up until the phone call Lloyd makes to his sister in the rain. Stop the movie after he says "I gave her my heart... she gave me a pen." Now put in Grosse Pointe Blank. It's almost seamless (right down to Jeremy Piven's character being essentially the same guy).

So there's no reason this new one couldn't be yet another alternate reality sequel to Grosse Pointe Blank... a sort of "What if?" Martin had gone through with the hit on Debbie's dad.

What do you do, Martin?

All That Junk

Scaley!

You know, the T Rex is a little disappointing....

So, Universcale is a cool little flash app that displays the scale of everything in the Universe (or at least a lot of things in the Universe) and gives you a scale that puts them all in perspective. You can see how a single proton compares to a rabbit or how a rabbit compares to the Eiffel Tower or how the Eiffel Tower compares to a planet. I just wish they had an option to put in your own items, because I'm curious how my enormous biceps would measure up.

Hamilton's Hotties?

Hats off to Zorro!

According to TMZ, The Price is Right might get a little oranger!

With current PiR host Bob Barker preparing to either retire or die, CBS execs are looking for a replacement to continue the tradition of entertaining the sick and unemployed, and reportedly think George Hamilton is "wonderfully charming" for the part. The change means very little, as The Price is Right audience is composed almost entirely of the elderly, who are too blind/deaf to notice the change, or college kids who are too stoned to care.

Nicoteenage Daydream

Reamed

Let X = X

Felt Up And Downtrodden

This, My So-Called American Life

Those hoping to maintain their educated-older-hipster cred should know that Showtime's adaptation of the popular NPR program This American Life just started its run recently... and it's awesome.

Cartoonist Chris Ware's animation for the series can be seen above, or the entire episode is available at the Showtime site (though I couldn't get it to play well). Those torn whether to show their loyalty to NPR and Ira Glass' efforts or to maintain their disdain for television should relax with some organic green tea, turn on the new Arcade Fire album, and ponder the situation over a McSweeney's.

Big In Japan

It's a blue whale. Lifesize. On your desktop. How's that for perspective?

And Your Invisible Jet, Too!

I know, I was excited about the prospect of Rachel Bilson donning the spandex and stars too, but it seems that -according to Film Ick- the coveted role of Wonder Woman may have been given to Cobie Smulders.

If she has indeed nailed the role, the actress can look forward to rocketing to stardom in the blockbuster picture, falling from that stardom following the critical lambasting of a film based foolishly on an Amazon goddess with a magical lasso and invisible jet, starring in some low-budget horror films that require modest nudity andor lesbianism, and finishing her career as the perennial star of "take a picture with Wonder Woman," sitting at a broken card table in the corner of the Odd Fellows hall while smiling through the stench of frenzied fanboys at comic conventions. Congratulations, Cobie!

PS: Before you ask, no, I don't know who she is either.

Mii Lebowski

Clod On Clod

You know, I couldn't figure out why Adam Sandler was annoying me more than usual in the commercials for Reign Over Me, but now I've finally figured it out: it's that he isn't playing Like a Rolling Stone. These types never want to play their hits, you know?

Crazy's On The Bus

So they let Britney Spears loose. And they seem to have installed a chihuahua while she was in the shop.

Meanwhile, the Daily Star claims Britney Spears is facing "bankruptcy" after spending $21 million of her $32 million fortune in the past two years and is "scared to death" of the financial situation she faces when she leaves rehab. A family friend says:

"She has to concentrate on staying sober, but she can't do that if she
has to worry about going broke - which is exactly what she thinks will
happen."

I don't know how $11 million is even close to bankruptcy, but whatever. In another Britney story, the Daily Star claims she was caught making out with another patient in the bushes. A source says:

"Britney and her new male friend decided to play a game of tennis. Britney
is allowed a little more freedom now she's been in the centre a while. The next
thing they had sneaked off into the bushes and were getting pretty passionate.
They weren't actually having sex but there was definitely some groping. We had
to step in to separate them. They were told off. They're in rehab and
relationships between vulnerable people aren't really encouraged."

So Britney Spears is broke and trying to have sex with drug addicts in bushes. I dunno about you but she sure sounds cured to me. Now that she's out I wouldn't be surprised if she worked her way up to become President of the United States. Or the Pope. Hell, let's be honest, soon someone's gonna' do a desk audit, and finally combine those two jobs, making Britney the nation's first Popeident!

I Draw The Federline

What? You thought the internet couldn't be more ridiculous?

Yeah... think again.

Whoever wins... we lose.

In Through The Out Door

Well dog my cats!

This clever doormat either says "come in" or "go away" depending on which direction it's facing. So when people walk in they're greeted with "come in" and when they walk out they're asked to "go away." Slick! Or you could just paint over the whole thing with "leave money" like I did. It's been three months and I've already got 35 cents. I never have to work again!

Tabled

Cling is a table with the chair built right into it. So they stay together and you can easily transport both at the same time. It's a neat idea and looks pretty cool, but what happens when you're trying to eat dinner and realize you can't because there's a giant chair-sized hole in your table?

Yo Ho Hum

The problem is, I loved the first Pirates film. Then they released that second steaming pile of buccaneer poop, and now I -like the pirates of the title- am at a crossroads. I'll certainly see the third (and possibly final; they did just dismantle the Black Pearl), but if I actually enjoy it... well, then I'm obligated to buy the DVD for the second film (What was it again? Harry Potter and the Pirates of the Caribbean? Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Electric Boogaloo?) 'cause I'll need to buy the third, and what's the point of having the bookends of a trilogy, and not having the 2nd act, and all of the gooey, tentacled, sodden crap that goes along with it?

Anyway, here's the trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. There's a Chinese guy in it!

What We Call Progress...

What's even more striking than the things that have changed so dramatically over the years in these pictures? The things that haven't. This should come as a great comfort to the patrons of the taverns in downtown San Jose that have withstood the ravages of time and vagaries of the San Jose citizenry.

"What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance. "
~Havelock Ellis

Territorial Pissings

Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
To keep from falling in the stew!

Thank you! Be sure to try the boiled boxty, and don't forget to tip your waitress!

Happy day of socially-acceptable over-indulgence!

You Cannot Enter The Race Because You Cannot!

Much to Pops Racer's chagrin, according to Just Jared, High School Musical "star" Zac Efron is in talks to star as Speed in the Wachowski Brothers' adaptation of Speed Racer. If Zac nails the part, he can add the coveted nerd demographic to the adolescent girls contingent he already dominates.

You know, it is said that he who controls the nerds and the 10 to 14-year-old girls controls the world. Is Zac Efron the geek/tween messiah solemnly written of in Tiger Beat and Slashdot? Only time will tell.

Happy Ides!

"But I am constant as the northern star,
Of whose true-fix'd and resting quality
There is no fellow in the firmament."
~Julias Caesar, Act III, Scene 1

You Got Brock'd!

Okay, those worried that Venom would only appear at the end of Spider-Man 3, never to fight our hero, will be glad to see that the two do see a screen battle together. Now let's never mention it again. Or at least, quit whining. Thanks for your support.

Signs Of The (End)Times

This website certainly proves that god exists. No mere monkey boy could have devised such a wondrous device. But if this website is proof-positive that god exists, then god can't really exist at all, right? 'cause proof belies faith, and god is nothing without faith. Well, despite that whole "god is dead" (which I understand may be a drag for fans) thing, the website's still pretty cool.

UPDATE: You can sing along with Mitch, or play along at home, or whatever! Make a sign! Email it to me! Via the magic of the internets, I'll post your sign for all to see, and gaze upon with wide-eyed -if not slack-jawed- wonder!

Courtesy of Scott Cofer, genius & waffle-lover.


Courtesy of, well, me. I got bored. So? What're you lookin' at?

Courtesy of Nancy. Oh, and the answer, obviously, is "Of course not!"

Courtesy of Gaynol, who's forgotten more about flambé and bernaise than I'll ever know.

Billy, Don't Be A Hero

Because you asked for it, John August, writer of Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Big Fish, has been hired to pen New Line's Shazam!, a take on DC's Captain Marvel character.

"The comic book series focuses on Billy Batson, a teenager who becomes the
superhero known as Captain Marvel when he utters the magic word "Shazam!" The name is an acronym for six gods and heroes of the ancient world as well as their attributes: the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of
Aries, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles and the speed of Mercury."

I think they might be wasting their money writing an entirely new script for this tale of teenage transformation. They've already got Teen Wolf, so why not just change the wolf parts into Captain Marvel parts and call it a day? For instance, any instances of the teen wolf howling are rewritten as "says Shazam!" Playing basketball as a wolf would be rewritten to read, "plays basketball as Captain Marvel." It seems pretty straight-forward to me.

Walken After Midnight

Bubble-Headed Gumshoe

NBC has posted six full episodes of Andy Richter's new midseason comedy entry Andy Barker, P.I. on their website, courtesy of Al Gore and the US military.

Though I have yet to evaluate the series, I hear good things... but mostly I'm just glad networks are finally starting to embrace the internet as a way to popularize shows. Now you can even watch if you're one of those assholes who constantly tells people that "you don't watch television," even if no one asked. That's right, I know you. You're the same one who tells people you're vegetarian all the time. Hey, guess what? I didn't ask if you were vegetarian, I just asked if you wanted a hamburger, so enough with the preaching, man.

I Think We Need A Bigger Boat

You know, I like to think of myself as above the foolishness of gender stereotypes, but then I see something like this:

and all of that high-falutin' thinking goes right out the window, and I'm giddy as a school girl... in a strictly manly way, y'understand. Next to a transformer it's about the coolest thing ever, and I don't think I've ever been more aware of my Y chromosome than I am at this very moment.

That's not just a giant squid... that's a colossal squid, my friends. Seeing things like this gives you just a little more perspective, doesn't it? Think you're hot shit 'cause you can program a VCR? That squid is 40 feet long! It's tentacles reach the diameter of tractor tires! Its suckers? Have hooks! The fish it had in its beak as they dragged the squid into the boat? The fish it wouldn't let go of as they dragged it out of its natural habitat and into what had, only moments before, seemed -I'm sure- like a pretty damn big boat to the fishermen aboard? That fish was almost 6-feet long... and it. Was. In. Its. Beak.

You honestly think the human race is destroying this planet? Look at that picture. That's what we caught. Can you even imagine what else is down there? I can't either, but I'll tell you this: long after we're gone, it'll still be down there, and it won't even have noticed that we scorched the sky and encouraged Dane Cook.

NOTE: While I humbly admit my inferiority to the 40-foot long, 990-pound squid, I still feel it's important to acknowledge my superiority to the fishermen who discovered it. First of all, let's be fair: the squid actually discovered them; they just hauled it in. And if you wanna' go comparing "squid discoveries," we all just need to remember who discovered this:

Oh, yeah. I'm the man.

Where's Your Bucky Now?

I've never been a Captain America fan ("More jingoism please!"), but that sure didn't keep more people than I can count from emailing me this news: Cap dies this week.

Like I said, I'm not a fan, but luckily whenever anything newsworthy happens in comicdom, I'm surrounded by people who know me all too well (and my love for comics), and who race each other to tell me the news before it breaks wide. I may not like Captain America, but I love my pals for climbing over each other in their haste to tell me that his 50-year run ends this very week. Right when we need a fictional, 4-color hero most.

Look, we all know he'll be back. Hell, Marvel is in pre-production for a Captain America film, so we can all look forward to "Captain America #1" hitting stores the summer the film opens to lukewarm reviews of Daniel Craig's portrayal of the tiny-winged one (while his portrayal will almost certainly be loathed, I'm sure no one will comment on the fact that maybe -just maybe- he's a bit too Aryan for the role of America's protector... though it could be argued that Cap is the Aryan American) and lines around the cineplex.

Despite all that, it's still staggering news. To date, I don't think there's been a comic book icon with a longer, continuous run than Captain America. Sure, he's had books stutter to a stop, but as long as there's been a Captain America title, there's been a muscle-bound myopic in stars and bars beating the crap out of the Red Skull with unbridled patriotism and unmatched will. Even Superman, while first (and that's right, still the world's finest) super hero, left the pages of his comics for an entire year after he died. He got better, and so did his books, but while we lived in a world without a Superman, Captain America soldiered on doing... you know... patriotic things. I guess. I know he threw his shield around. And stuff. That's what I heard, anyway... I had other comics to read.

Wonder Woman? She's taken breaks (and not just when she turned back into clay, either!). Batman? Reamed, retired, returned. Spider-Man? Spider-Man gave up the webs to his clone one summer... or, wait... he was the clone, and he gave up the webs to the real Peter Parker who didn't throw a clone into a smokestack after all, see, but rather the clone -after the Jackal forced them to do battle in an abandoned stadium- threw him down the smokestack, only he wasn't incinerated, but rather crawled out, thinking he was the original when in fact he was the clone who wasn't actually a clone but-- well, the point is, even Spidey has left the pages of his books for a spell. Meanwhile, Cap stood tall. I guess. I mean, I'm sure he stood around, anyway. Square-jawed and resolute. Or something. I never really payed attention.

So, regardless of his possible (that is to say, really, really likely), eventual return, it is the end of an era. There's probably a metaphor in here somewhere... Cap getting gunned down on the steps of a courthouse after he'd defied the government he'd pledged his life to protect, and stood for what was right while that government and countless other super heroes toed the line and told him he was wrong. Well, told him and beat on him. You can't really have one without the other in the funny books. You also can't order x-ray specs from that ad on the inside of the back cover anymore either, but you know, there's a lot of things we've had to learn to live without.

Like I said, I never read his books, but damned if he didn't soldier on anyway. Love him or hate him, he stood strong; proud and resilient. He may have fallen, but you have to believe that he'll get back up in time. I probably still won't follow his story... but it's good to know it's there, and that it takes more than one guy to end a dream.

Huh. There was a metaphor in there.

It's Time To Light The Lights

Here Is Wisdom

Britney Spears allegedy tried to hang herself with a bedsheet after writing 666 on her shaved head and running around the rehab facility screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened staff. A friend of her's says:

"She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called, but luckily she was unhurt." But within days out-of-control Britney had swung from suicidal to matrimonial as she told hubby Kevin Federline she wanted to take him back, renew their wedding vows and get pregnant."

What's left for her to do? The only way she could fall any farther is if she started dating Rikki Lake's poodle "Goriquee," made him her agent and got a gig hosting that local access cable show for foot fetishists. Like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Booty Call

Strangely, just after I finished my second viewing of National Treasure (I couldn't remember if I'd seen it already, and damned if I wasn't sure I had 'till the end credits started rolling) I read that acclaimed thespian Nicolas Cage was recently kind enough to provide the world with an interview regarding the sequel to National Treasure, which is currently being scripted. When asked, "Is it about Abraham Lincoln?" Sailor boy replied:

"Yeah, Abraham Lincoln and confederate gold and the assassination. It's interesting stuff. What I like about the 'National Treasure' potential series is that it deals with history and it's also entertaining. That's also a good thing. There are worse things to do than to stimulate young people's minds about history as you're entertaining them."

Nic makes a good point about National Treasure stimulating the minds of our youth about history, particularly made up history about the Founding Fathers hiding secret treasure with clues embedded in famous historical documents. If it hadn't been for the inspiration of that film, it's unlikely that 10-year-old Matthew Wilson of Chicago, IL would have discovered the hidden map on the back of Washington's wooden teeth that led to finding all that gold in Thomas Jefferson's corpse. Congratulations again, Matty!

So Easy An ABC Executive Could Do It

ABC has announced that they are developing the popular "Caveman" series of Geico Auto Insurance commercials into a half-hour comedy project, or, if you prefer, a thinly-disguised infomercial series. The ads have gathered a following for their jokes about prehistoric men fighting prejudice from the modern world, much in the way hobos fight the prejudice of my neighbor Gilbert and his "hobo stick."

Strange as is it seems, this won't be the first time a commercial has made the jump to a series, as Baby Bob -based on dot-com ads for some dot-com thing or other- did the same thing in 2002. Remember that? No? That's my point. It also won't be the first time a caveman stars in a regular sitcom, with Ted Danson having played a caveman bartender on Cheers and a caveman doctor on Becker with mixed results.

Promises, Promises

Okay, this barely counts as news, but Britney Spears left rehab a couple nights ago to attend an AA meeting in Santa Monica. She was escorted to the support group by her assistant and returned to the Promises treatment center right after the meeting ended. And because she's lost her mind, Britney had weird scribbles all over her hand and even drew a fake ring on her index finger.

I wouldn't be surprised if that thing went completely up her arm. She's like this close to snapping, and probably spends all her time in rehab rocking back and forth on the floor while chanting, "They're all gonna pay." And when the doctors gently ask "Who's gonna pay?" she growls at them and shouts, "I'm a tiger!" and then starts pacing around on all fours while the doctors stare at each other in confusion... but not exactly in surprise.

NOTE: That's not her wedding ring. Not the one on her ring finger and not the one drawn on in pen. I know there's speculation that she and K-Fed are reconciling, but I just can't go there... give me time, okay?

Great Moments In Comic Book History

Boldly Went

So I'm poking around on IGN last night, and they report that Paramount may be near signing the leads for JJ Abram's Star Trek XI!

The report claims Matt Damon, long-rumored for the part, will take on the role of Kirk, with Adrien Brody and Gary Sinise filling in the roles of Spock and Bones respectively.

If they can actually get this cast pulled together, it would really elevate the franchise to a new level, sure... but I was under the impression they were meant to be around college age for this prequel. While I acknowledge that Gary Sinise has essentially been playing Bones for most of his career, if they try to sell me on him as a 24-year-old, I'll shit myself. He really should take that into consideration before he signs any contracts.

Meanwhile, in case you're interested, my pick for Kirk? Ben McKenzie.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Incidentally, if they give Adrien Brody the classic Vulcan ears along with his standard nose, his entire head will be covered in giant, pointed curves of flesh that would all be more than a little moist around the edges, and it will be gross.

Everything Old Is New Again

I know, I know, this is old news now... but I can't pass up another Britney update. And besides, by the time I hit "Publish" I'm sure there'll be more news of how Britney has made herself dentures out of Kabbalah bracelets or come out publicly against her body-swap with Courtney Love and then you'll be thinking "Gee, I miss the old days when all she did was swap clothes with strippers and try to kill SUVs with an umbrella" and you'll be grateful I've posted almost week-old news today then, I'll tell you what!

So, Britney went to K-Fed's home recently, but when she wasn't allowed to see her kids she started attacking a white SUV (a white SUV that had almost nothing to do with banning her from K-Fed's house, I'm lead to believe) with an umbrella. She was reportedly waiting outside Kevin's place for 45 minutes before her mom eventually picked her up and took her back to the rehab facility.

Look at her go! I thought she was just having fun when she shaved her head but she really is losing her mind. She's that face on the cautionary posters in the mental ward! "Take your meds, pick up your crayons or end up like this!" A week from now we're gonna read about the Promises treatment facility shutting down because she killed all the employees and started eating their faces. With Kabballah teeth. You read it here first.

Thanks for the pics, Julie!

Don't Drink And Duel