Who's Running The Asylum?

Boo.

UPDATE: That didn't take long.

Small Mac Attack

Dude! Don't toss that old Mac to the curb -- paint it orange, install a JPEG viewer, and ta-da, you've got yourself a sweet Mac-o-lantern -- or an old Mac painted orange that's capable of viewing very low-grade porn. Which, I'm made to understand, isn't all that bad if you have a very active imagination.

Lapdance On A Volcano

The somehow-respectable-by-comparison Kevin Federline has remained quiet about the details of his divorce with Britney Spears, but he has opened up to his girlfriend Nicole Narain. Like a caring significant other, Nicole shared the details of Kevin’s personal life with News of the World - along with a few glamour shots and the name of her agent.

On Britney’s mental state: “Her mood swings are now so wild that I live in fear of getting a call telling me that she has killed herself. I can't allow her to have custody because I seriously believe she could harm our sons. I've shared her life and I know she's capable of anything with pills and a few drinks inside her."

On Britney’s drinking: "I'd see her walking around the house guzzling vodka and Coke and looking very tipsy. Then a few moments later, I saw her pick up Jayden and start breast-feeding him. That sent me up the wall. I yelled at her, ‘If you really wanna drink then make sure the baby gets bottled milk, not yours.'”

On what led to the divorce: “I only found out when I heard it as a news item on the radio. I felt she was just trying to teach me a lesson for telling her off about the breast-feeding incident. But when I called she kicked off another row and screamed, ‘You're nothing without me'.”

On Britney’s parenting: “During the last few months I'd started picking her up on her parenting skills. She'd leave the kids near the pool unsupervised or drive around without belting them in. She always insisted what she was doing was right. There was no getting through to her.”

On Britney's bi-curious pass at Nicole: “I was doing my make-up and I could feel someone staring at me. It was Britney, in a green dress and looking a bit spaced-out. She looked at me in a provocative way... I thought she was hoping to get me closer to her. When I told Kevin he nodded and said, ‘Knowing her, she probably was'.”

I don’t think there’s anything Britney Spears could do at this point that would faze me. She could give her children a bath in a volcano, and I’d be like, yeah, so, kids get dirty. She was probably using Sean as a rag to wash the car. Granted, Jayden is younger and gives the BMW a nice shine, but the little scamp was probably stuck in the pool filter - again. Kids.

My Dinner With Vader

Portal On The Half Shell

Most of you won't get this, but those of you who do? You know it's the coolest thing ever.



Thank me later.

Fantasy Recap, Week 7: Do You Compute?

You know, none of it really adds up. The rosters... the match-ups... the weather... the post-game fantasy recaps... none of it, really. But here we go.

In my NFL.COM league? I won!

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 98-88

Here's the standings:

East

LacesOu 5-2-0

Eau Claire Vandals 4-3-0

Catchers in the Rye 4-3-0

Textboo 3-4-0

Central

Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 4-3-0

Death by Haiku 2 3-4-0

Goregor 2-5-0

RumseyB 1-6-0

West

DredPir 6-1-0

HolyHan 6-1-0

Mothers 3-4-0

Underdo 1-6-0

I defeated Nancy. That was awkward.

In my hapless solo league? I won!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 84-62

Standings?

Central

LofasLa 5-2-0

UsualSu 4-3-0

Clemson 3-3-1

Sith Lords of the Gridiron 2-4-1

East

BBbadbo 6-1-0

Knights 5-2-0

FBomber 4-3-0

royals1 2-5-0

West

YounGGu 3-4-0

Lynchbe 3-4-0

TeamAlp 3-4-0

FifeFan 1-6-0

It doesn't really matter, but I won! I won't make the playoffs, but at least I'm the least-losingest manager in the league for now!

Still undefeated in that other NFL.COM solo league!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 116-56

Gee, I wonder what the standings are?

Central

Powerful Mach 5! 7-0-0

Provide 4-3-0

JediMas 3-4-0

Bigbron 2-5-0

East

NEPats 5-2-0

baldeag 4-3-0

Skeleto 2-5-0

ItaliHe 0-7-0

West

xchucki 6-1-0

Provide 5-2-0

Breakin 2-5-0

KNIGHTS 2-5-0

As I've noted, last year I went 8-0 in a league, only to miss the playoffs. So while I welcome the undefeateadness, I know that this too shall pass, and I remain not cocky.

In my Yahoo! league? I lost... but Nancy won. That almost made up for winning that other game!

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 263-272

How does that add up? Standings?

1. Purple Crap Stains 6-1-0

2. Night Train 6-1-0

3. MightyPurpleHelmets 4-3-0

4. De chier des bulles 4-3-0

5. Blue Blazer Regulars 4-3-0

6. Snooze Alarm 3-4-0

7. Extreme Hummingbird 3-4-0

8. LiL Man 2-5-0

9. Purple People Eaters 2-5-0

10. Intercepticons 1-6-0

I'm annoyed that I dropped in the standings, yet oddly optimistic.

And yet another loss in the office Yahoo! league. Yay.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 231.11-266.19

Sigh... here's the standings.

1. Death by Haiku 6-1-0

2. BALCO 6-1-0

3. LightsOut 5-2-0

4. The Flying Frenchman 5-2-0

5. Arsenal 5-2-0

6. The Pastry Ducks 4-3-0

7. Bliss's Blitzers 3-4-0

8. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-4-0

9. San Diego Zoo 2-5-0

10. Baby Bashers 2-5-0

11. Livefree; Rhymehard 1-6-0

12. ativan stat 0-7-0

Second to last, and I have Ladanian Tomlinson. Figure that out.

Halfway through the season, and I don't know how it all adds up. I know I'm happy when things go well, and annoyed when they don't. I'm essentially a chipmunk. A fantasy football-playin' chipmunk. I just hope I've got the nuts to get through the rest of the season.

The Life Of Reilly

Like the Chinese symbol for Yin-Yang you foolishly tattooed on your bicep, our world is composed of a series of antitheses--equally opposing forces struggling to keep life in a delicate balance. For every light, there is a dark; to each good, an evil; for each Darth Vader, there is a Luke Skywalker; every struggling single mom has that deadbeat dad robbing her for drug money (source: Maury Povich). You get the idea.


So it only stands to reason that if professional douchebag Dane Cook can get a two-hour special to shout the amusing, quirky ways he loves sandwiches, there must be its opposite. And, justly, it has arrived in the form of a movie documenting the one-man stage show of recently-deceased ascot proponent Charles Nelson Reilly.





The balance remains.... for now.

Thin, White Federline

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline attended their first "Parenting Without Conflict" course today. It’s the first time the two have been in the same building since meeting with attorneys back in September. TMZ reports:

"The class will last a couple of hours. They will meet with a parenting
coach, who will give them advice on how a divorced couple should raise their
children. The kids are not present. Sources say Britney is actually looking
forward to discussing parenting with her ex -- however, after arriving at the
location, Brit was distraught and bawling like a baby in the bathroom."

What could our li'l Britney be so upset about? Unless she still has feelings for Kevin. Could you imagine if these two got back together? No, wait, that’s not even funny. Somebody’s gotta stop this! Snarf, bring me the Sword of Omens! Thunder. Thunder! THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOO! *looks around* Dude, go upstairs and tell Grandma I need 4 C batteries for this thing. Dude, it’s important. I have to stop Britney and Kevin. Jesus, we’ll play Halo later. Fine. Stop crying. We’ll do what you want to do. Again. I hope they name their third kid after you.

Too Much Of A Good Thing

Strap on TN Game's new Third Space vest and you can actually feel it when you get shot playing your favorite video game! The vest has eight different zones, and can provide feedback anywhere from a simple tap to a full blown explosion. They sell for $189 and hit the streets next month, bundled with Call of Duty II and some space game. Compatibility with Quake, Doom, Unreal, etc. is coming soon. I get the feeling that somehow these will end up killing people. And if they don't then the force feedback helmet I designed should do the trick. BOOM, headshot!

All Carved Up And No Place To Go

When Warner Bros. first started the Dark Knight viral site whysoserious.com, meant to be the Joker's way of connecting to the Internet Generation, it showed us many disturbing aspects of the villain. We saw his defacement of a Harvey Dent campaign poster, insane laughter (in the form of "ha" typed out in different sizes and mixed caps, to show it's crazy), and images of the criminal's own scarred smile. We got the idea that this guy was sort of nutty, and likes transcribing his laughter.

But this latest feature -a Flash animation of a pumpkin carved with a grinning bat mouth, equal parts Martha Stewart and web designer- seems to be drifting from maniacal stunt to the territory of desperate cry for attention. Are we meant to believe the Joker paused his murder spree to intricately carve a pumpkin, videotape it, digitize that, then convert it to a Flash animation for web publication? I don't know if it would more or less pitiful if we're meant to think he's commissioned someone else to do it.

UPDATE: The candle's melting!

Will We Never Learn From The Hershey Incident?

Our friends at TMZ have this to share:

Really? A lip job? I... I'm speechless. I am without speech.

Thanks Julie!

Fantasy Recap, Week 6: It's Raining Men

This fantasy football season has just been bonkers.

Six weeks in, and most of us are struggling to replace our draft picks because top-tier players are dropping like well-padded flies. Suddenly guys like Derek -"Who?"- Anderson and Jason -"That's so wrong"- Wright are hot commodities, while players like Steven Jackson and Matt Leinart cool their heels on the bench. It's getting so a fantasy football coach can't rely on anything, my friends. Before you know it the Chicago Bears will have a cheerleading squad.

So, with players dropping like things that drop, how'd I wind up doing this week? Let's go to the phones!

In my NFL.COM league? I won! Woot... sorta.

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 70-59

East
LacesOu 5-1-0
Eau Claire Vandals 4-2-0
Catchers in the Rye 3-3-0
Textboo 2-4-0

Central
Death by Haiku 2 3-3-0
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 3-3-0
Goregor 2-4-0
RumseyB 1-5-0

West
DredPir 5-1-0
HolyHan 5-1-0
Mothers 3-3-0
Underdo 0-6-0

Yeah, the good news is that I won. The bad news is that I played Nancy. Either way this game went, there'd be no joy in Mudville, I'm afraid. I did -as a result- manage to move up in the rankings, though. I just don't know that it matters, because I could be badly outmatched this week... but we'll see.

In my woeful, "Hey! I know! Let's lose again!" league? I won! Holy shit!

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 85-75

Central
LofasLa 4-2-0
Clemson 3-2-1
UsualSu 3-3-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 1-4-1

East
BBbadbo 5-1-0
Knights 5-1-0
FBomber 3-3-0
royals1 2-4-0

West
YounGGu 3-3-0
Lynchbe 3-3-0
TeamAlp 3-3-0
FifeFan 0-6-0

No explanation for it. No expectation of repeating. There you go.

In the last of the NFL.COM leagues? I won! Again! Can't hardly believe it!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 115-77

Central
Powerful Mach 5! 6-0-0
Provide 4-2-0
JediMas 2-4-0
Bigbron 1-5-0

East
NEPats 4-2-0
Baldeag 4-2-0
Skeleto 2-4-0
ItaliHe 0-6-0

West
xchucki 5-1-0
Provide 4-2-0
Breakin 2-4-0
KNIGHTS 2-4-0

Tom Brady is pretty much the star of this fantasy team... and I'm okay with that (so long as John Madden shuts the f@*# up about comparing Tom to Joe Montana. Nobody compares to Joe Montana. We all know that). Anyway, I'm still undefeated, and still #1 overall. What do the kids say? Oh yeah... "Yippee!"

So three NFL.COM leagues, and three wins! That's alright!

The news was less alright in the Yahoo! leagues.

In my Yahoo! league? I lost.

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 238-270

1. Purple Crap Stains 5-1-0
2. Night Train 5-1-0
3. De chier des bulles 4-2-0
4. Blue Blazer Regulars 4-2-0
5. MightyPurpleHelmets 3-3-0
6. Extreme Hummingbird 3-3-0
7. Snooze Alarm 2-4-0
8. LiL Man 2-4-0
9. Purple People Eaters 1-5-0
10. Intercepticons 1-5-0

Once again, I played Nancy, and Nancy? She had Tom Brady. That about did it. The good news is we split our series, so the weekend wasn't a total bust... and she's, y'know, still talking to me.

In the office Yahoo! league? I lost.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 281.2-337.05

1. Death by Haiku 5-1-0
2. LightsOut 5-1-0
3. BALCO 5-1-0
4. The Flying Frenchman 4-2-0
5. Arsenal 4-2-0
6. The Pastry Ducks 3-3-0
7. Alabama Hot Pockets 3-3-0
8. San Diego Zoo 2-4-0
9. Bliss's Blitzers 2-4-0
10. Baby Bashers 2-4-0
11. Livefree; Rhymehard 1-5-0
12. ativan stat 0-6-0

What's amazing here is that Ladanian Tomlinson finally started acting like Ladanian Tomlinson: 4 touchdowns and over 200 yards. You'd think that'd spell "W-I-N" for me, right? Well, Robert (that wiley bastard) has Adrian Peterson (Running Back for the Vikings) and Adrian? He rushed for three touchdowns and over 300 yards which pretty much kicked my ass. Yup, I've got the best player in the NFL, and my fantasy team is second to last. Swell.

I'd be remiss here if I didn't mention that in my NFL.COM league there's a coach -Let's call him "Mark" 'cause that's his name and that's what we call him- has BOTH of those players (LT and Adrian Peterson), and Mark? He still lost! I'm not sure that makes me feel better, but it does distract me from my loss, which is almost as good.

So there you go, Week 6 in a nutshell. Let's cart it off the field like a first-round draft pick, shall we? Now if you'll excuse me, I have research to do on 4th-String running backs and practice squads.

Run Britney! Run!

Britney Spears has struck again!

Recently she got behind the wheel of her car (and why does that keep happening?) and accidentally ran over a photographer’s foot. Earlier in the day, Britney had just settled things financially with the driver of her first hit and run in August, only to have it happen all over again. People reports:

"Spears, 25, driving her white Mercedes convertible, slowly exits the
garage while a mob of paparazzi begin taking photos.


Bulbs flashing, a man in a camouflage jacket is seen falling to the
ground near her front left tire while apparently shouting in pain.


Another photographer –"Michael" who works for the Web site Celebrity
Babylon– told ABC7 that he witnessed the unnamed man's foot get run over. "

So how does Britney respond to the situation? Aw, you totally guessed it! She bolted:

"Spears raises a hand to her mouth in shock and is then seen crying behind
the wheel as she leaves the scene without checking on the man's condition."

Everyone needs to realize that crying and driving away is Britney’s reaction to any type of accident. If she stubbed her toe, Britney would run to her car and drive away. Spill a Frappucino; cue the tears and screeching tires. Why did you think she was crying? Because this is just one more legal predicament to prevent Britney from getting her kid’s back? Ha! You're funny! Seriously, you should be writing this. "She was concerned for her kids". That’s adorable.

Bourne Under Punches

Man, I love me some Bourne movies! I can't explain it. I'm not proud of it. There you go.

Though he'd previously implied he was done with the series, Matt Damon said Thursday that there could be another Bourne "Dramatic Word" movie in a few years, probably depending on how much debt he accrues in the meantime.

"If Paul Greengrass, maybe years down the road, was interested in doing
another one, then I would do it, too. I don't think either of us completely put
the character to bed yet."

Though the interview was via phone, with the implication he was some distance away, it was later revealed that Matt Damon was just a building over, with the cross-hairs of a rifle trained on the interviewer. That's how still-Bourne he is. "Still-Bourne"! Wooooooooooooooo!

Wilhelm To A Scream

Surely you're familiar with "the Wilhelm"?

It's Cast, Jim!

Since filming is set to begin in a few weeks, I suppose it's a good thing JJ Abrams finally got around to casting Kirk & McCoy for his reboot of the Star Trek franchise.

First, your ever-swaggering Captain, Chris Pine:

Don't bother sending him love letters and hair pieces. He'll be too busy training in the art of double-karate-chopping the shoulders, then rolling out of the way to reply.

Leonard -"Bones"- McCoy will be brought to you by the letters "W" and "T" and "F", and the number two. Oh, and by this guy, Karl Urban.

I dunno... I was picturing someone with blue eyes, but he does have warts on his face. If you're worried that he can't pull the role off, relax... he did star in Pathfinder, after all.

This one's hardly news, but Heroes' own Zachary Quinto will be assaying the role of our pointy-eared pal, Mr. Spock:

And finally, Checkov, Sulu, Scotty and Uhura. You figure out which is which. I'm sleepy.

Undress

Taking a cue from media analyst Marshall McLuhan, the medium is truly the message in this insightful poster for 27 Dresses.


With the textual elements of the movie forming the very threads of this quite-theoretical gown (one cannot help but notice there is no border to this dress; it is purely a fabric of word and thought), the viewer is forced to connect a story -this light-hearted romantic-comedy- to an article of clothing, reminding us that all of our attire -from the tuxedo to the thread-bare, tattered t-shirt of a favorite band- is woven with the history of both its creator and wearer.

Or, you know, it's cute how the words are the shape of a dress.

Have Another Hit

The Vanity Ring, a project by Markus Kison, is an update of the ring as a status symbol. Basically it keeps a running tab on the number of Google hits your name gets. You personalize the ring using some custom software, and every night you plug the little sucker into its docking station and it updates your hit count. Great idea, if you're famous and vain as hell. But if you're anything like me, the counter will never pass the number you do yourself unless you change your name to "nude pictures," "free porn," or "hot singles ready to have sex in my area".

Big In Japan

Gotta' love Japan. They make every product ever.

Take this marvel of modern technology -- the push-up counter ($15). Someone must have traveled far into the distant future to snag this idea. It's a button you push with your chin every time you do a push-up. I don't understand the technology behind this, but somehow your total is displayed on an ultra high-res LCD counter that, get this, goes up to 999! Holy shit! And if you're anything like me the display will always read "1" -- after collapsing on the button and never being able to get back up.

Fantasy Recap, Week 5: How Many More Times?

Plant? Page? Prophets.

There's one league where I have to ask myself "How many more times can I lose?" and another where I ask "How many more times can I win?"

So, in my NFL.COM league? I won!

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Win 102-52

East
LacesOu 4-1-0
Eau Claire Vandals 3-2-0
Textboo 2-3-0
Catchers in the Rye 2-3-0

Central
Tiny Adorable Hedgehogs 3-2-0
Death by Haiku 2 3-2-0
Goregor 2-3-0
RumseyB 1-4-0

West
DredPir 4-1-0
HolyHan 4-1-0
Mothers 2-3-0
Underdo 0-5-0

The bad news was everyone else in my division won too, so it didn't get me anywhere.

Over in one of the solo leagues? I lost. Again. Sigh.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 72-86

Central
Clemson 3-1-1
LofasLa 3-2-0
UsualSu 2-3-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 0-4-1

East
BBbadbo 5-0-0
Knights 4-1-0
FBomber 2-3-0
royals1 1-4-0

West
Lynchbe 3-2-0
YounGGu 3-2-0
TeamAlp 3-2-0
FifeFan 0-5-0

I actually played a guy who left two starters out. Two! And I still lost. Dammit.

Then there's my "Li'l Mary Sunshine" league. I won! Again!

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 106-94

Central
Powerful Mach Five 5! 5-0-0
Provide 3-2-0
Bigbron 1-4-0
JediMas 1-4-0

East
NEPats 4-1-0
baldeag 4-1-0
Skeleto 2-3-0
ItaliHe 0-5-0

West
xchucki 4-1-0
Provide 3-2-0
KNIGHTS 2-3-0
Breakin 1-4-0

That win left me the only undefeated team in the league... we'll just see how much longer I can stay undefeated. It's funny, 'cause this is just a random league I joined, and I get the impression most everyone else in it knows each other, so it must be weird for them to watch an outsider dominate the first few weeks... which is just what's happening in my Yahoo! league.

Blue Blazer Regulars
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 238-175

1. Purple Crap Stains 4-1-0
2. Night Train 4-1-0
3. Blue Blazer Regulars 4-1-0
4. MightyPurpleHelmets 3-2-0
5. De chier des bulles 3-2-0
6. Extreme Hummingbird 2-3-0
7. LiL Man 2-3-0
8. Snooze Alarm 1-4-0
9. Intercepticons 1-4-0
10. Purple People Eaters 1-4-0

I'm pretty happy with the win (naturally), and with climbing up to 3rd... but that "Night Train" has a pretty solid lock on 1st so far... and none of us know who he is. There are two strangers in my Yahoo! league: one is #1, and the other is #7, and for no good reason at all I assume they know each other. Go figure.

Finally, in the office Yahoo! league... I lost. I was so optimistic about this game, too.... A win would have been huge. The loss? Not so huge.

Live Free; Rhyme Hard
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 195.47-308.19

Yeah, I lost in a pretty impressive way... but you don't get points for style, I'm afraid.

1. LightsOut 4-1-0
2. Death by Haiku 4-1-0
3. The Flying Frenchman 4-1-0
4. BALCO 4-1-0
5. The Pastry Ducks 3-2-0
6. Arsenal 3-2-0
7. San Diego Zoo 2-3-0
8. Baby Bashers 2-3-0
9. Alabama Hot Pockets 2-3-0
10. Livefree; Rhymehard 1-4-0
11. Bliss's Blitzers 1-4-0
12. ativan stat 0-5-0

So, Week 5: One undefeated team, one team that can't buy a win, and three teams somewhere in-between. This week I look forward to (and by "look forward to" I mean "dread") playing Nancy in two leagues. Good times, bad times... you know I've had my share.

It Just Impacted On The Surface

Remember this?

Well, here's how it went:


http://view.break.com/378238 - Watch more free videos

So sad. I think the guy in the video says it best.

Your Hit Parade

So, an insider tells Life & Style that Britney Spears beat Kevin Federline "several times during their marriage," and that's why K-Fed asked the judge to order her not to use corporal punishment on Sean and Jayden. A source from Britney's camp denies the rumor, saying:

"This is just another attempt to make Britney look like a bad mom."

Has this guy been asleep for the past two years? Attempting to make Britney look like a bad mom is like trying to prove that Hitler was kind of a jerk. Your entire case could be to just point at them and shrug. Besides, beating Kevin Federline is probably the most responsible thing Britney's done in her entire life.

Eve Of Destruction

I know what you've been asking yourself: how best to explain the recent box-office failures of The Brave One and The Invasion? You could say it was that they both looked really awful, or that were both, in fact, really awful...or -if you were as astute as Warner Bros. production president Jeff Robinov- you'd notice the other glaring similarity that binds the two: female leads. You'd realize, despite overwhelming evidence that many female-led films over the years have succeeded, and that innumerable male-led films have bombed, that it's obviously the very presence of women as leads that is causing any and all losses in theaters.

Thus, logically, Robinov has reportedly said, "We are no longer doing movies with women in the lead," a statement women's groups are having issues with for some reason. I don't even know what to say that modern society, a constitutional amendment, and the unusual success of The View hasn't already shouted. This has to be a joke, right?

Good Hands

Britney Spears and her soon-to-be-more-successful sister Jamie-Lynn went to get sushi in Beverly Glen yesterday, and as they were walking, a crazy woman approached them and started screaming, "Nobody wants you in this neighborhood! You're making the neighborhood unsafe!" The paparazzi defended Britney by yelling at the woman, and then Jamie-Lynn stepped in and shouted in her face, "Then move the fuck out of the neighborhood!"

Normally I'd side with the crazy person that's verbally assaulting the Spears family, but this woman actually puts her hands on Jamie-Lynn. That's just uncalled for. Most people learn to use words by the time they've completed, what, elementary school? I'm guessing this woman wandered in from the forest. Somebody should've thrown a net over her and then trained her to function in society. You know, like one of those helper monkeys.

Watch It!

Gimme, And Taketh Away

It's Britney's new video, bitch.



You're welcome. Or I'm sorry. I just don't know anymore.

How Do You Hammer Out Justice?

I'm building a pirate ship, so you better believe I can drive a nail straight. For those of you who can't, you should learn. For those of you that aren't into learning there's the Nail Assist system. You put a nail in the tube, put the tube where you want the nail, and bang on the big-ass top with a hammer. Loser.

Fantasy Recap, Week 4: Some Loud Thunder

I tell you what: a person might play fantasy football, but it ain't no game.

The good news is, I won three, and lost two. The bad news is, That left me with only one win in one league... and not even one win in another. I can still look fondly back on that tie, though... good times... good times....

In my NFL.COM league? I lost. It's been days, and I still can't really believe it. It's just oike that feeling you get during your first game of "Spin the bottle..." only less squishy.

Catchers in the Rye
Projected: Loss
Actual: Loss 53-69

Let's see where that leaves me:

East
Eau Claire Vandals 3-1-0
LacesOu 3-1-0
Textboo 1-3-0
Catchers in the Rye 1-3-0

Central
Tiny Adorable hedgehogs 3-1-0
Death by Haiku 2 3-1-0
Goregor 2-2-0
RumseyB 0-4-0

West
DredPir 4-0-0
HolyHan 3-1-0
Mothers 1-3-0
Underdo

Having trouble spotting me? Look in last place! That's where you'll find me! I'm the one sobbing in the corner.

In a solo league? Or, as I like to call it "That steamy pile of poopoo"? I lost... and pined for the week I managed a tie. And for the fiords.

Sith Lords of the Gridiron
Projected: Win
Actual: Loss 51-73

Huh. I wonder what that means, standings-wise?

Central
Clemson 3-0-1
LofasLa 2-2-0
UsualSu 2-2-0
Sith Lords of the Gridiron 0-3-1

East
BBbadbo 4-0-0
Knights 3-1-0
FBomber 2-2-0
royals1 0-4-0

West
YounGGu 3-1-0
Lynchbe 2-2-0
TeamAlp 2-2-0
FifeFan 0-4-0

Yup. About what you'd figure. I'm last! I'd also like to point out that I played a team that didn't start two players, and I still loss impressively. All I can say is, if the NFL gave out points for making your opponenets feel better about themselves, I'd have at least... well... I'd have a bunch more points. Is what I'm sayin'.

And then there's Maude.

The Powerful Mach 5!
Projected: Win
Actual: Win 69-49

I won, and I'm now the only undefeated team in the league. Now kids, what do you suppose happens when you combine a 4th win with an unbroken chain of three previous wins (and some baking soda)?

Central
Powerful Mach 5 4-0-0
Provide 2-2-0
JediMas 1-3-0
Bigbron 0-4-0

East
NEPats 3-1-0
baldeag 3-1-0
Skeleto 2-2-0
ItaliHe 0-4-0

West
xchucki 3-1-0
Provide 3-1-0
KNIGHTS 2-2-0
Breakin 1-3-0

The result is an undefeated record, and a perch at #1 in your league! Woot! I'm enjoying it while it lasts, and sending Tom Brady love letters every day. Right on, Maude!

In the office Yahoo! league? I won! Needed it! Got it! Almost wrote a poem!

Live Free; Rhyme Hard

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 284.36-194.30

I'm still down in the basement, but I can see a light under that door at the top of the stairs!

1. BALCO 4-0-0
2. Death by Haiku 3-1-0
3. LightsOut 3-1-0
4. The Flying Frenchman 3-1-0
5. The Pastry Ducks 2-2-0
6. San Diego Zoo 2-2-0
7. Arsenal 2-2-0
8. Baby Bashers 2-2-0
9. Livefree; Rhymehard 1-3-0
10. Alabama Hot Pockets 1-3-0
11. Bliss's Blitzers 1-3-0
12. ativan stat 0-4-0

This week's a big deal, 'cause if I win I could shoot pretty far up in the standings, what with the stars and the schedule aligning so nicely. The bad news is, it's a tough matchup this week... we'll see.

Finally, in my Yahoo! league... I won!

Blue Blazer Regulars

Projected: Win

Actual: Win 266-184

This was a huge game, and yes, i shot uo in the standings. See?

1. Night Train 4-0-0
2. Purple Crap Stains 3-1-0
3. Blue Blazer Regulars 3-1-0
4. Extreme Hummingbird 2-2-0
5. MightyPurpleHelmets 2-2-0
6. De chier des bulles 2-2-0
7. LiL Man 2-2-0
8. Snooze Alarm 1-3-0
9. Purple People Eaters 1-3-0
10. Intercepticons 0-4-0

Yeah, I'm pretty pleased with my position here... but am I resting on my laurels? Heck no! There's a long row to hoe, and many miles to go before I sleep... and just a ton of work to do, frankly. Like the man sang: "Yes that was me digging holes for all the world to see."

Red 5, Goin' In!

Who says there's such a thing as "Too much Star Wars"?

Andy Woerner and his friends built a life size X-Wing Fighter and are gonna set it off right here in sunny California on October 10th! It's 21-feet long and has a 19-foot wingspan. It's powered by four Class M rocket engines (on the wings, of course), which produce a red glow, just like the original. It will be launched in a fashion similar to traditional model rockets, but after lift-off the S-foils are going to open to attack position (through the use of a motor the team installed).

They hope to recover (via 3 parachutes) the X-Wing in one piece after it's flight. I wish these guys the best, and hopefully they'll have some video available afterwards. And who knows? If successful, maybe we'll finally be able to do something about those damn Womp rats.

Can You Picture That?

Two, two, two sellouts in one!



I know David Lynch has done some commercial work in the past, and that it's not uncommon for modern directors to pawn products, but seeing this commercial by the Eraserhead director for Gucci by Gucci was still a profound disappointment. This minute of models doing what must be the waifish equivalent of dancing (swaying gently with passing breezes) to the tune of Heart of Glass, all I could think was, "Oh god, was there a time when David Lynch would dance to Blondie?" I never wanted to know that. That, and I never like seeing something from David Lynch that makes sense on the initial viewing.

Barking Mad

I go golfing one day a year. And yes, I'm about as good as you'd expect a fella to be who golfs one day a year, thanks. But that day? Each year? There's always some big, overwrought news item that's been a long time coming, and I wind-up 12 hours behind the news cycle 'cause I spent the day fishing golf balls out of ponds.

Today? Today Larry King tells me that Britney lost custody of her kids. So here's the question: you’ve just lost your kids because the legal community and society pretty much agree that you’re a terrible mother, what do you do? Go tanning, silly! And that’s exactly what Britney Spears did. The Daily Mail reports:

"It was business as usual for troubled Britney and the first stop on the
singer's agenda - after surrendering her boys Sean Preston, two, and
one-year-old Jayden James to their father Kevin's bodyguard - was a visit to
Epitome, her favourite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the
Peninsula Hotel. But, as she made her way inside, two photographers got into a
fight - which seemed to amuse the giggling singer no end."

But it wasn’t all fake-baking and giggles. Oh no. Britney finally hit up the DMV to get her Louisiana license transferred to California:

"Then, Britney paid a visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles office in
Van Nuys, California, where she finally applied for a driving licence and took a
written test. Last Friday, Commissioner Gordon banned both Spears and Federline
from driving the children unless they had a valid California driver's licence.
But on the weekend, Britney was allegedly seen driving her two children around
LA without a valid licence."

Some mothers might, I dunno, be a bit shocked and furious that their kids are being taken away. Not our Britney. The day before all this, she probably sat at home, surrounded by Whoppers, thinking aloud “Wow, I hope that Kevin Federline gets those kids away from that awful girl.” Then someone would point out to Britney that she is that awful girl. She’d look kinda' confused for a minute, then say “Oh well, I still have my tanning appointment tomorrow, right? Because, seriously, if I start losing my color then I’ll kill myself. Wait, did y’all just say I have kids? Holy crap, nevermind, this Whopper has extra pickles! Yay!”