The Only Thing That There's Just Too Little Of

The ever-beguiling Hugh Grant was arrested recently after a photographer accused him of attacking him with a container of baked beans. The photographer says Grant kicked him and verbally abused him before throwing the beans at him.

"The Metropolitan Police don't identify suspects who haven't been charged, but said a 46-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night on suspicion of assault and released on bail. No charges have been filed, police said."

That's not an attack. An attack is getting punched in the throat by some crazy guy wielding nunchucks. No, this guy got free beans. Last I checked, an offering of free beans meant peace. See that expression on Hugh Grant's face? It says: "Here, have some free beans. Let's be friends." No wonder the world is such a mess. What the world needs now are more Hugh Grants... and at least one more Burt Bacharach.

What Hath God Wrought?

You know, I just want real life to be a little more like this:



"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever." ~Woody Allen

In The Land Of The Giants

We saw In The Land of Women tonight. Sure we saw it 'cause one of us (Nancy) has a raging crush on Adam Brody, but it turns out it was a pretty good movie... though I still can't figure out why Adam's character was so eager to date the Joker. Seriously, he'll never call, and you can pretty much assume he'll never use a coaster.

While we were buying tickets though, I saw this:

Have y'all seen the new Ocean's Thirteen poster? It's almost exactly the same as the old Ocean's Thirteen poster, except not so red, and much more white. I realized, standing there, that if purchased and spread out on a living room floor, it provides the perfect opportunity to pretend you've been enlarged by radiation and are now rampaging through a posh celebrity casino. When the handsome stars are crushed, move on to seducing their tiny celebrity girlfriends. An issue of Us Magazine works for this part.

The Next Big Thing: Tokyo Police Club

If you were to throw David Bowie, Joy Division, The Arcade Fire, and two llamas into a blender, you'd have one hell of a mess. Luckily, Tokyo Police Club is now 50% more absorbent, and here to help you clean up! Colored raucous and delicious, and outlined with a lyrical sound resonating in Thurston Moore and the same musical concoction bands like Sonic Youth, Built to Spill and Pavement reeled in many moons ago, the boys are more than adorable; they have an... interesting new sound to offer. They’ve taken all the good bits from indie rock in the past decade and put their individual spin on things. I, for one, am glad to be interested again.

Spider, Mammon.

As the release date for Spider-Man 3 grows nearer and nearer, talks of the exorbitant cost of the film have started to turn up, and now industry (should that be capitalized, I wonder?) are saying the film may have cost over $300 million on production alone, making it the most expensive movie ever made (not counting the cost to society, which makes Deuce Bigelow 2 the most expensive). What's more, they say advertising and franchise rights for "Venom Stands" may push the total cost of production closer to $500 million. Dollars. $500 million dollars. Execs and producers worry this could become the norm, making a $200 million picture the standard, drawing funds from other projects. On the plus side, it means my as-yet-undeveloped script, Static Shot of Man Burning One Billion Dollars in Small, Controlled Fire, is that much closer to production.

Rise, Lord Vader

These Star Wars fans created a hot air balloon replica of Darth Vader's head.

Here, read that again:

These Star Wars fans created a hot air balloon replica of Darth Vader's head.

I don't want to exaggerate or anything, but I think it's safe to say this is the greatest hot air balloon ever made. Ever. In the history of time.

What Does A Phoenix Order?

Harry Potter isn't my thing. I generally steer clear of any phenomenon everyone else embraces. Forrest Gump, Harry Potter... the electoral process. Still, I've spent a lot of time defending the Harry Potter books (I used to run a bookstore at a Free Methodist university, where our customers -who didn't mind seeing books like Nigger and Naked Lunch on the shelves- couldn't abide seeing the evil of Harry Potter & the Soreceror's Stone or The Vagina Monologues on hold behind the registers, for people who'd special ordered them for themselves), and I have pals who love them (and the movies which are desperately racing the stars' post-pubescences to the finish line), so here's the latest trailer for the latest installment... Harry Potter & The Not-So-Motivated Amway Salesman. Or something.



Sure, it'll send your Bible study group into a tizzy with its glamorized portrait of pagan witchcraft as a rollicking adventure, but that's most of the fun, right? They may even question your devotion to the church when they see how excited you are by the black arts. Calm them by reminding them that a crucifix is just a magic wand with a little dead guy hanging off.

Bourne To Be Wild

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the first two Bourne films. I'm no kind of Matt Damon fan (and no, it isn't because I'm petty and jealous of his "Best Screenplay" Oscar! Get off my back!), but damn if those films weren't just a rockin' good time. Well, here's the trailer for the latest (and if the English language tells us anything, likely last) film in the series:



In the new trailer for The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon presents those who stole his past and identity with a final ultimatum: "I, Jason Bourne, will repeatedly kick and punch your henchmen. Then, as I've been known to in previous Bourne outings, I will give you a mocking phone call when I'm right outside your headquarters. You will respond with shock and dismay. If you do not, I will continue to call until you do."

Apocalypse And A Smile

They just released a bunch of posters for 28 Weeks Later ( the sequel to the best pseudo-zombie movie of the early 21st century, 28 Days Later). Here's my favorite:

The poster has an old propaganda-style look to it... but be careful, because there's another type of poster that has an old propaganda look to it: actual propaganda. And before you know it you're a communist.

It would also be a good Coke ad if changed to "Maintain the Quarantine... of Refreshing Taste!"

Now They'll Stop Kicking Sand In Your Face!

Ever wondered how to rip a telephone book in half? No? Well too bad, because you're learning anyway!



Oh, and the best part of this exercise? There was a time when this would have seemed incredibly wasteful. Now all I can think is "Who uses phone books for anything else anymore?"

Homer Sapien

Johnny? Be Good.

How the "Never-all-that-mighty-but-briefly-ubiquitous" have fallen. Or at least slouched.

John Travolta is getting senile in his old age and says he's as big a star as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, but didn't die like them because of his values and religion. He says:

"I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn't go the way they did was because of my beliefs. People make judgments about it [Scientology], but often they don't know what they're talking about. I would advise anyone who wants to know about it to read up on it. We [the Church of Scientology] are only getting bigger and we help people all over the world, from disaster zones to drug rehabilitation. We were having a problem in Germany [where some critics called Scientology a money-making entity rather than a religion]. I talked to [former president Bill] Clinton who talked to Chancellor Kohl and things have improved since then."

John Travolta believing in anything is the exact reason why I don't. On my list of most horrifying things, becoming John Travolta is number one. I wear a bracelet that reads WWJTD, and whenever I'm about to do something I think, "Would John Travolta do this?" And if he would, I do the exact opposite. Which works well for things like believing in Scientology, but I haven't had a cup of water in over eight years. I think it's worth it.

Knight Of The Phoenix

Toxic

I admit I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed... but do I detect a hint of sarcasm? Maybe just a smidgen? I know this is Britney trying to be clever and all, but she just comes off sounding like an idiot. Being clever only works if you have a brain, and not a faded cartoon drawing of a turtle where your brain should be. Do you know how I know? Because I'm a scientist.

I Can't Understand A Word The Liquor Says

At long last, Tony Millionaire's Maakies comic is coming to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim as The Drinky Crow Show on May 13th! Check out the intro with theme music by They Might Be Giants and the clip below! Watch and remind yourself that drinking is cute, not a problem, no matter what your family says. Whiskey understands you better than they ever will.

Good With Figures

Why Should We Even Care?

A shot has emerged of one of the Iron Man suits from the upcoming movie based on the comic. This is the armored suit first constructed by Tony Stark to escape while being held as a POW, making me wonder why John McCain was held so long. You think you can be president when you can't even build an Iron Man suit out of spare weapon parts while being held captive? What the hell, McCain?

Baby, Remember My Name

You didn't want to do any work today anyway.

Who's House? Dolls' House!

Sure, some of you are counting the days to Spider-Man 3, and while Transformers may be the big blockbuster toyline-turned-movie this year, there's a sassier, brattier group of us eagerly awaiting another entry in this category. That's right, I'm talkin' 'bout Bratz.

In this first poster for the live-action adaptation, we see Shifty Brat, Suspicious Brat, Dead Eyes Brat, and Winksy Brat (may not be actual Brat names) doin' their thang. Right on, grrlz!

Stardust Memory

THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
WAS MUSIC

"Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone."
~Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 11/11/22-4/11/07

Pinkerton Agency

In case you don't already know: click on the images to embiggen them.

And, in case you didn't know this either: Jay Pinkerton is god.

Call It Heavy Metal

You know, for every Spider-Man 2 and Superman Returns you've gotta' wade throough ten or twelve comic book movies like... well, like this:

Warner Brothers and X-Men producer Lauren Schuler Donner have plans to bring Metal Men, to the screen. As I'm sure you already know, robots invented by Dr. William Magnus, the Metal Men each possess the characteristics and interpreted personalities of separate metals, such as stretchy leader Gold, strongman Iron, insecure Tin, and infant brain-damaging Lead.

You'd think they'd at least work through some of the C-level comic heroes -Blue Beetle or someone at least- before getting to the D-List like these guys, but I'm fine with it as long as Shaq is involved. When you need a big metal superhero, a big stupid genie, or just an idiotic signature grin, Shaq is always the answer.

Easter Parade

Evil Genius

The SnuzNLuz alarm clock connects to your online bank account via WiFi and donates your real money to an organization you hate every time you push the snooze button. I can't figure out if it's pure genius or pure evil. Or both. Although judging by my own sleeping habits, within a year I'll have fully funded some sort of kitten killing organization.

UPDATE: Yes, I know... quit sending me emails.

Accident Report

So, the legend goes this guy was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

Drawing A Complete Blank

Grosse Pointe Blank is easily one of my top ten films... and not just because I have an inappropriate crush on John Cusack. So imagine my excitement when I stumbled across this.

Now, I know what many of you are saying. "Chris," you're saying, "you really have to stop hanging out in my front yard... it's getting creepy." But look, setting your selfish needs for privacy and personal space aside for the moment, can't we just agree that this really is the sequel to Grosse Pointe Blank that we've all been waiting for?

Let's face it, Grosse Pointe Blank was really an alternate reality sequel to Say Anything. One in which Lloyd/Martin never gets back together with Diane/Debbie after she gives him the pen. Instead, he freaks out, joins the army and becomes a professional killer. That's what he does.

The clues are all over the place. First, Lloyd's dinner conversarion during Say Anything with Mr. Cort. Remember, Lloyd's father is a colonel in the army. Wants him to join. But he'd rather kickbox. Tell me that training didn't pay off in Martin/Lloyd's hallway fight with the former KGB assassin in Grosse Pointe Blank.

And speaking of that fight, odd how quickly he thought of a pen as a death-blow-delivering device, isn't it? Painful memories associated with that writing implement... a poison pen that he incinerates, right along with his past.

His old teacher in Grosse Pointe Blank is amazed that he went nowhere with all the potential he had, but we knew from Say Anything that what he lacked was direction... a purpose in life. Diane gave it to him, but without her it's easy to see how he would've ended up doing what his father wanted him to do and how he would be open to the sort of epiphany of meaninglessness Martin experiences on the oil fields (especially as hurt and embittered as he was after Diane dumped him).

It even makes sense that Martin/Lloyd would hire a woman -the only woman he would let himself trust- who reminded him so much of his sister.

Yeah, it's a whole Donnie Darko-esque alternate reality for Lloyd that hinges on Diane's dad not going to jail. After all, she didn't realize she needed Lloyd until her father was arrested.

Don't believe me? Watch Say Anything up until the phone call Lloyd makes to his sister in the rain. Stop the movie after he says "I gave her my heart... she gave me a pen." Now put in Grosse Pointe Blank. It's almost seamless (right down to Jeremy Piven's character being essentially the same guy).

So there's no reason this new one couldn't be yet another alternate reality sequel to Grosse Pointe Blank... a sort of "What if?" Martin had gone through with the hit on Debbie's dad.

What do you do, Martin?

All That Junk

Scaley!

You know, the T Rex is a little disappointing....

So, Universcale is a cool little flash app that displays the scale of everything in the Universe (or at least a lot of things in the Universe) and gives you a scale that puts them all in perspective. You can see how a single proton compares to a rabbit or how a rabbit compares to the Eiffel Tower or how the Eiffel Tower compares to a planet. I just wish they had an option to put in your own items, because I'm curious how my enormous biceps would measure up.

Hamilton's Hotties?

Hats off to Zorro!

According to TMZ, The Price is Right might get a little oranger!

With current PiR host Bob Barker preparing to either retire or die, CBS execs are looking for a replacement to continue the tradition of entertaining the sick and unemployed, and reportedly think George Hamilton is "wonderfully charming" for the part. The change means very little, as The Price is Right audience is composed almost entirely of the elderly, who are too blind/deaf to notice the change, or college kids who are too stoned to care.

Nicoteenage Daydream