I Am Jack's Humble Pie

Remember last week? When I went 4-0? Those were good times.

This week? I went 3-1. I almost won every game... except for that one... that one I lost. "Gee, Chris!" you ask. "Who'd you lose to, you fantasy football stud, you?" Why, funny you should ask! I lost to my beloved, fantasy football savant wife, Nancy! Could you believe cocktails?

Let's start with a league I didn't lose in, shall we? The office Yahoo league. Take a looksee.

Yahoo League

1. AllStar Chuck Norris 3-0-0
2. Go Frenchy!! 3-0-0
3. San Diego Zoo 3-0-0
4. Arsenal 3-0-0
5. Tropical Depressions 3-0-0
6. Cincinnati Steamers 3-0-0
7. Chuck A Ducks 2-1-0
8. Ninerjunky08 2-1-0
9. san jose 49ers 2-1-0
10. Owens R Us 1-2-0
11. Rusty Trombones 1-2-0
12. MB Blitz 1-2-0
13. Hot Pipin Carl 1-2-0
14. Anal Tongue Darts 1-2-0
15. DEM HOODSTARZ 1-2-0
16. mmmmmm..beer 0-3-0
17. Jumers Junkies 0-3-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-3-0
19. I Miss Baseball 0-3-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-3-0

That's right, sports fans! I won! 3-0 in that league! I scratched my way up to fourth! It was a big game, 'cause like I said last week, if I lost (to Tony), Tony was gonna' shoot right past me in the rankings, and the odds of me catching him were... what's the word... "slim." Luckily (for me, anyway) I won. The bad news is I'm facing another tough opponent this week who, unfortunately, just noticed his QB is on a bye this week, and started his only other QB option who -until this week- had never started a game. Dammit. So I lost that edge. Dammit. So now... well, it doesn't look good for going 4-0 there... dammit.

While you were sleeping, over in that league I'm soldiering on all on my own? I won! I'm in first place in my division. That, my friends, does not suck.

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team
Mos Eisley Marauders 2 1 0
Steel Curtain 2 1 0
Cowboys from Hell 2 1 0
Florida Dolphins 0 3 0

East Division
Team
James Gang 2 1 0
Ash Kickers 2 1 0
Fightin' Squid 1 2 0
Second Stringers 1 2 0

West Division
Team
from bittercreek 3 0 0
Denton County Saints 2 1 0
packers 1 2 0
TPDG 0 3 0

This week I'm playing the #2 guy in my division, so yeah... that matters.

In case you were wondering, in the league Nancy and I share alone? I won!

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team
Blue Meanies 3 0 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 1 2 0
The Steamrollers 1 2 0
goldminers 1 2 0

Central Division
Team
Pigs 2 1 0
Viagracide 2 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 1 2 0
Mighty Hamsters 1 2 0

West Division
Team
San Diego THUNDER 2 1 0
FesturingTaserWound 2 1 0
WARLORDS 1 2 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 1 2 0

I didn't play Nancy this week in this league, so I managed to squeak out the win. Once again, I'm leading my division (at 3-0), and by some miracle I'm the only 3-0 team in the entire league. I'm not sure what to say about that but "Cool."

Finally... here's where Nancy spanked me silly:

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
Team
cannon ball 3 0 0
The Punctuation 2 1 0
Omegahedrons 1 2 0
Charlatans EC 0 3 0

Central Division
Team
The Mighty Bosh 3 0 0
Nadia's Team 2 1 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 1 2 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 0 3 0

East Division
Team
Potato 2 1 0
Carl 2 1 0
Minny's Meanies 1 2 0
Arsenal 1 2 0

She not only had twice my score, but she finished with the highest score of the week. She dominated. She ruled. She, quite simply, kicked my ass. I couldn't be prouder of her... or in less of a hurry to play her again....

"Last week I tapped a guy and he and I got on the list for a fight. This guy must've had a bad week, got both my arms behind my head in a full nelson and rammed my face into the concrete floor until my teeth bit open the inside of my cheek and my eye was swollen shut and was bleeding, and after I said, stop, I could look down and there was a print of half my face in blood on the floor.

I shake the guy's hand and say, good fight.

This guy, he says, "How about next week?"

I try to smile against all the swelling, and I say, look at me, How about next month?"

~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Iron Man Lives Again

Finally!

Ending months of speculation, it was officially announced that the role of Tony Stark, the millionaire hero of Iron Man in Jon Favreau's upcoming comic book adaptation, will be played by Robert Downey Jr. I have to say, I like the casting. Anything that keeps him out of jail or rehab.

Though this puts to rest the question of a lead in the picture, Ozzy Osbourne has brought up some other valid inquiries about Iron Man: Has he lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind? Can he walk at all? Or if he moves, will he fall? Is he alive or dead? Has he thoughts... within his head?

I've Been Waiting For You

Tonight. 8:00. At last.

Stick it to the man.

Draggin' quest.

No Sleep 'till Fresno

I know the odds are slim, but perhaps it was a moment of clarity that lead Kevin Federline to drop PopoZao from his debut CD Playing With Fire and reportedly (and with no irony whatsoever) replace it with a duet with Britney Spears called Crazy. Additionally, a rapper who had claimed to write most of the lyrics for K-Fed articulately told the New York Daily News: "I didn't have nothing to do with that, dog."

I wonder why everybody is suddenly distancing themselves from what I believe is the greatest song ever written in the history of sound. Did Leonardo DaVinci pretend he didn't paint the Mona Lisa? Was Michelangelo ashamed of the Sistine Chapel? Perhaps we've forgotten just how powerful and moving Federline's tribute to Brazilian ass is. And if that's the case, my friends, then the terrorists have truly won.

Curses!

Here's what I don't get: Shaun Alexander worked his ass off for a contract with the Seahawks. He collared the rushing title; he was MVP. He was responsible for half of the Seahawks total offense. He earned a 62-million, 8-year contract and was looking forward to taking his team back to the Super Bowl in '07. Everything was coming up roses, daffodils and Shaun Alexander... so why on earth did he cash that check from EA Sports?

Why oh why did you let yourself be this year's Madden coverboy, Shaun?

Oh, the humanity.

John Madden lives in an estate in Blackhawk. Someone drive over there and kick him in the ass. Thanks.

Go... sigh... go Hawks.

It's all fun and games 'till a falling spike impales you.

Full-time killer; undercover angel.

I Am Jack's Utter Disbelief

Week 2 is in the books, and by some miracle I finished 4-0.

That is to say, I played 4 games, and won 4 games, leaving 0 games un-won. I won every game. I lost none. So, if you figure that out of 4 games I won 4, and lost 0, that makes me... what's the term... "undefeated" for the week.

I am a fantasy football super genius.

Well, this week anyway.

Lookee:

Wealth & Beauty

East Division
Team
Potato 2 0 0
Minny's Meanies 1 1 0
Carl 1 1 0
Arsenal 0 2 0

Central Division
Team
The Mighty Bosh 2 0 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 1 1 0
Nadia's Team 1 1 0
Candy Cave Dwellers 0 2 0

West Division
Team
cannon ball 2 0 0
The Punctuation 1 1 0
Omegahedrons 1 1 0
Charlatans EC 0 2 0

Even more amazing than my win? Robert somehow lost again. He's off to an 0-2 start while the rest of us are chugging along at 1-1. Well, by the "rest of us" I mean everyone but Robert and, sadly, Joe. Joe's off to a less-than-stellar start... ummmm, no thanks to Nancy and I, since we're the ones who beat him the last two weeks. Oops.

Over in the ol' lone wolf league? I won!

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Team
Cowboys from Hell 2 0 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 1 1 0
Steel Curtain 1 1 0
Florida Dolphins 0 2 0

East Division
Team
James Gang 2 0 0
Fightin' Squid 1 1 0
Ash Kickers 1 1 0
Second Stringers 0 2 0

West Division
Team
from bittercreek 2 0 0
packers 1 1 0
Denton County Saints 1 1 0
TPDG 0 2 0

I won! Did I mention that? It is, though, another one of those leagues that I share with the top-ranked team in the league, so despite my peformance, I'm stuck in 2nd behind the #1 team overall. You take the good and you take the bad, I guess... right Alan?

In the league Nancy and I share with nameless strangers? I won!

Idiots Legue

East Division
Team
Blue Meanies 2 0 0
The Steamrollers 1 1 0
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 1 1 0
goldminers 0 2 0

Central Division
Team
Pigs 2 0 0
Viagracide 1 1 0
Mighty Hamsters 1 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 0 2 0

West Division
Team
FesturingTaserWound 2 0 0
San Diego THUNDER 1 1 0
Mrs. The Lunatic 1 1 0
WARLORDS 0 2 0

I'm off to a 2-0 start here, and ruling my division. Nancy's doing well with a 1-1, and is probably more annoyed with the guy in her division who spells "festering" with a "u" than with her record. Well, for now, anyway.

Finally, in the office Yahoo league? I won!

Yahoo League

1. AllStar Chuck Norris 2-0-0
2. San Diego Zoo 2-0-0
3. Go Frenchy!! 2-0-0
4. Cincinnati Steamers 2-0-0
5. Arsenal 2-0-0
6. Tropical Depressions 2-0-0
7. Owens R Us 1-1-0
8. Rusty Trombones 1-1-0
9. Chuck A Ducks 1-1-0
10. Ninerjunky08 1-1-0
11. MB Blitz 1-1-0
12. DEM HOODSTARZ 1-1-0
13. Hot Pipin Carl 1-1-0
14. san jose 49ers 1-1-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 0-2-0
16. Jumers Junkies 0-2-0
17. mmmmmm..beer 0-2-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-2-0
19. I Miss Baseball 0-2-0
20. Pig Skins & Beer 0-2-0

I'm off to another 2-0 start! Based on the current standings, the good news is my schedule looks pretty good. The bad news is I play Tony this Sunday, and though his record is worse than mine, his points are through the roof, so I'll certainly drop in the rankings if I lose. So I'm gonna' try to not do that. Lose, I mean. I've been doing some research, and that seems like a sound plan.

"One minute was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you could ever expect from perfection." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Dancing With The "Star"

Forgive me, Lindsay!

Lindsay Lohan was spotted outside The Lot doing what can only be described as high karate kicks in between her cigarette puffs. If you watch the video you can even hear the paparazzi muttering with confused horror as they watch. "Is that her right there? Oh my God, that is Lindsay. She's got the cast on." Yeah, I wouldn't know what to make of it either. All this time we thought Lindsay was breaking her limbs slipping at parties and in showers when really she's just been keeping our streets safe from invisible monsters. She didn't name her legs "Justice" and "Fury" for nothing.

Thank you, Lindsay Lohan! Thank you for keeping us all safe from invisible parking lot monsters!

Couldn't Stand The Weather

Either really cool or really sad depending on how old you are and whether or not you've had sex before.

Fully Loaded

I swore to Julie this wouldn't ever be the "Lindsay Lohan Watch" blog, but dammit! I'm not made of stone, people!

"Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital last Saturday after slipping and falling at a Fashion Week party and fracturing her wrist. Her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, said the 20-year-old actress slipped and fell at the Milk Studios in New York, fracturing her wrist in two places. She was taken to St. Vincent's Hospital, and Sloane said Lindsay's mother drove in from Long Island to meet her. Sloane added that "there's a pending investigation" into the accident, after Lohan claimed Milk Studios didn't take proper measures to prevent slips on the slick ground."

We all remember how back in May Lindsay slipped and broke her foot trying to get out of the shower so this is sort of like her thing now. She's Lindsay Lohan, the girl who slips and breaks things. And if Lindsay Lohan, the girl who slips and breaks things, is serious about "investigating" the accident she could save herself a lot of time and effort by just asking random people to call her a dumbass. Because that's what the police will be doing when they receive a call from Linday Lohan asking them to stop tracking down murderers and look into why she falls down all the time.

NOTE: The answer, by the way, rhymes with "balcohol."

SPF Factor

Nobody ever accused Britney and K-fed of being bright.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reportedly named their newborn son Sutton Pierce Federline, though they've yet to confirm the naming or even the fact that they've given birth. Coincidentally (or maybe on purpose but that would be really sad) Sutton Pierce now shares the same initials as his older brother, Sean Preston Federline. Which is fun for like three hours, but then it's gonna suck when they need to buy matching embroidered handkerchiefs. "And why would they need embroidered handkerchiefs?" you might ask. Well how else are they supposed to look snooty as they blow their noses or surrender to the opposing army with a makeshift white flag? Huh, smartass? Next time think before you ask stupid questions.

In Your Satin Tights, Fighting For Your Rights

Someone get Seth some oxygen!

Bang Showbiz (among others) reported recently that Rachel Bilson has been cast to play Wonder Woman in the big screen adaptation written and directed by "Buffy" and "Serenity" mastermind Joss Whedon. The wire reports don't say much, only that Warner Bothers has made no official confirmation and that our beloved Summer beat out such acting legends as Cameron Diaz, Catherine Zeta Jones and Kate Beckinsale for the part.

If you're wondering how Rachel would look dressed up as Wonder Woman, the answer is, “exactly like this." And if you’re wondering what's the difference between a house and a home, a house is just a building, a home is filled with love.

I Am Jack's .500 Record

The hardest thing about football season? The balancing act.

Me? I don't care much about the games, just about my players. I watch the games to see how my players do... but I watch the games, y'understand. So Sundays become a TV wasteland for us. I do chores, and putter about, so it's not a total loss... but what we don't do is leave the house. Nancy couldn't be sweeter about it, but that doesn't change the fact that even I know that going outside is kinda' okay, and that it's even advisable on one of the two days off we get to share. So some days we stay in, and others? We go out. Last Sunday? We stayed in, and I went 2-2. Lookee.

First, the office Yahoo league. I won. Yay.

For some reason I always seem to ride the middle of the league, no matter the size. Maybe it's a metaphor. Maybe it's a coincidence. But there I am. In the middle.

1. AllStar Chuck Norris 1-0-0
2. Go Frenchy!! 1-0-0
3. Chuck A Ducks 1-0-0
4. San Diego Zoo 1-0-0
5. Cincinnati Steamers 1-0-0
6. Arsenal 1-0-0
7. MB Blitz 1-0-0
8. Tropical Depressions 1-0-0
9. Hot Pipin Carl 1-0-0
10. DEM HOODSTARZ 1-0-0
11. Owens R Us 0-1-0
12. Rusty Trombones 0-1-0
13. Jumers Junkies 0-1-0
14. san jose 49ers 0-1-0
15. Anal Tongue Darts 0-1-0
16. Ninerjunky08 0-1-0
17. mmmmmm..beer 0-1-0
18. Blitzburgh 0-1-0
19. Pig Skins & Beer 0-1-0
20. I Miss Baseball 0-1-0

Tony, it should be noted, had the third highest score in the league, and still lost. I don't know what to say about that but "That sucks." It does, too.

Meanwhile, in the only league all of us are in... take a look:

Wealth & Beauty

West Division
cannon ball 1 0
The Punctuation 1 0
Omegahedrons 0 1
Charlatans EC 0 1

Central Division
The Mighty Bosh 1 0
CBS Sportsline.com sucks 1 0
Nadia's Team 0 1
Candy Cave Dwellers 0 1

East Division
Carl 1 0
Potato 1 0
Minny's Meanies 0 1
Arsenal 0 1

First of all, amazingly, Robert lost. I'm speechless. I am without speech. In other league news, Joe, Nancy and I are in the same division, so pretty much no matter what that won't end well. This week though, Nancy was the only one who won of the three of us. Next week? I'm playing Joe... brother against brother. Maybe next Saturday's blog will be delivered on the back of an envelope.

Over in another league (the only league in which I'm going solo):

Slobber Knockers 2

Central Division
Steel Curtain 1 0
Cowboys from Hell 1 0
Mos Eisley Marauders 0 1
Florida Dolphins 0 1

East Division
Fightin' Squid 1 0
James Gang 1 0
Ash Kickers 0 1
Second Stringers 0 1

West Division
packers 1 0
from bittercreek 1 0
Denton County Saints 0 1
TPDG 0 1

Yup. I lost. I'm sure I have an excuse.

Finally, in the league Nancy and I share:

Idiots Legue

East Division
The Steamrollers 1 0
Blue Meanies 1 0
goldminers 0 1
NJ MAaTHiyAZ 0 1

Central Division
Pigs 1 0
Viagracide 1 0
Customs Cavity Searchers 0 1
Mighty Hamsters 0 1

West Division
San Diego THUNDER 1 0
FesturingTaserWound 1 0
WARLORDS 0 1
Mrs. The Lunatic 0 1

I won. Nancy lost. There you go.

So we're off to week 2! My star wide receiver? Out with a sore heel or some such nonsense. The good news is that this season none of my players tackled a bench and are already out for the season. Yes, that happened to me once. Quit laughing. You try planning for bench tackles. Let me know how that works out for you. See, it's all true, and it's all a metaphor.

Watch out for benches.

"By this time next week, each guy on the Assault Committee has to pick a fight where he won't come out a hero. And not in fight club. This is harder than it sounds. A man on the street will do anything not to fight. The idea is to take some Joe on the street who's never been in a fight and recruit him. Let him experience winning for the first time in his life. Get him to explode. Give him permission to beat the crap out of you. You can take it. If you win, you screwed up. "What we have to do, people," Tyler told the committee, "is remind these guys what kind of power they still have." "
~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

You're Gonna' Get Burned

Your Scout master was right. Just don't do it.

That Sense of Enterprise

I've said this before, but one of the things I love about Star Trek? It's crap.

Better than that. It's crappy.

The sets suck. The costumes suck. The writing often sucks. The effects suck... but that's all just part of its charm, and part of how it makes such an impact on people like me, watching TV, hoping for something better to come along, literally and metaphorically.

Well now, Paramount says something better is coming along, and it's Star Trek HD. They've revamped the effects. They've re-recorded the theme song. They've digitally altered the planetside exteriors so that we can't see the boom shadows on the horizon. They've remastered the whole shebang, my friends.

At first I was aghast... but I've come to realize I'm looking forward to seeing what they've done. As long as the beloved, chewy core of the show stays the same -overwrought, earnest writing, hammy acting and overplayed themes to which we can all relate- why, I'll be thrilled to see an Enterprise that doesn't slide through space, and to not see matte lines surrounding the Galilleo 7 and the doomsday machine.

The simple fact is, they could transform the entire cast into talking pot holders, and I'd still watch, and most likely enjoy it... as long as I always knew I could pop in a DVD of Let That Be Your Last Battlefield and see the gloriously unaltered original any time I wanted. Thankfully, Paramount has not doggedly followed the Gospel of Saint Lucas on this point, and I can -and will- do just that. I'll watch the episodes -altered and unaltered- side by side each week, you can count on that.

Every Little Step She Takes

Just when you thought it could never happen, a rep for Whitney Houston has confirmed that she filed for divorce from Bobby Brown last Friday. I'd congratulate her on the smart move, but the decision took her 14 years longer than it should have. Taking your hand out of a toaster is smart. Waiting three days to do it? Not so much. Although considering this I guess we should just be thankful she doesn't spend her nights crawling toothless down the street offering to sell her house for crack money.

Anarchy In The UK

From the BBC News:

"A life-size replica of a Guantanamo Bay detainee has been placed in Disneyland by "guerrilla artist" Banksy.

The hooded figure was placed inside the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad ride at the California theme park last weekend.

It is understood to have remained in place for 90 minutes before the ride was closed down and the figure removed.

A spokeswoman for Banksy said the stunt was intended to highlight the plight of terror suspects at the controversial detention centre in Cuba.

Banksy is notorious for his secretive and subversive stunts - such as sneaking doctored versions of classic paintings into major art galleries.

In 2005, he embarrassed the British Museum by planting a hoax cave painting of a man pushing a supermarket trolley, which he said went unnoticed for three days.

The Bristolian is most famous for his graffiti artworks, which are often created in prominent public places.

Last year, he produced nine stencil sprays on the Palestinian side of the West Bank barrier.

The satirical images showed images of life on the other side of the barrier.

One depicted a hole in the wall with an idyllic beach, while another showed a mountain landscape.

Earlier this summer, a piece of Banksy's graffiti art on a Bristol building was allowed to remain in place by the city council after the public voiced overwhelming support.

The stencilled image, which showed a naked man hanging onto a window ledge, won a 97% approval rating from residents on an internet discussion forum.

Banksy is due to hold what is billed as a "three day vandalised warehouse extravaganza" in Los Angeles this weekend."

I tell you what, this guy is my hero... and not just because he's responsible for this.

Paris Vacation

I'm really sorry to break this to you, but it turns out Paris Hilton isn't the super hard worker she thought she was. Simona Fusco -her Bottom's Up co-star- says about Paris:

"I don't think there's any talent there. My biggest problem with Paris was that she was always late on the set ... It became very annoying ... Everyone gets tired. By the time Paris finally showed up, she was usually coming from a party ... She never memorized her lines. So now, not only does she show up late, but on top of it she didn't have her lines ready to go. It was a very long day working with Paris."

To be fair to Paris, it's tough to memorize lines when you can't even read. Although the Olsen twins did a pretty good job on Full House and they were like, what, only twice as smart as her?

Double Oh No You Didn't!

I'm not a huge James Bond fan, okay?

Okay, truth is, I love Dr. No... but honestly, isn't every James Bond film after that just a shot by shot remake of Dr. No, but with Maud Adams or Barbara Bach or someone climbing into the passenger seat of the latest, greatest Bond car ever? I get that that's the point, and the joke... but there is such a thing as taking a joke too far... and every movie after Dr. No? That was just another step too far, you axe me. I mean, Roger Moore? Come on, now.

That being said, I have to point out that the new trailer for the expected to disappoint Bond flick, Casino Royale, has been released. After seeing it, many are turning around, saying this really might be one of the best Bond films yet. Those saying that are actually chimps who are grateful to see another lower primate in such a well-dressed role. It looks more like a Bond rip-off made to showcase how ClubMed vacations make you feel like a secret agent. The only part that I like is how, when Bond becomes a "double-0," the film goes from black & white to color, implying a license to kill is kind of like going from Kansas to Oz. I bet it is, too. Both involve dropping houses on midgets, you know.

And what's up with Le Chiffre's eye bleeding during the card game? That's probably one of the worst tells in poker in history. If someone's eye stars spontaneously bleeding at the card table, you always want to fold. I don't care how good your hand is, if it's not making your eye bleed, the guy whose eye is bleeding probably has the better hand.

Speak Bill, To Power

I don't normally read The Huffington Post editorials.* I dunno, I just have trouble swallowing any of the bile either side is all too eager to spew... but Nancy tells me that sometimes these editorials are a "much-needed salve."

I'm not sure what that means, but if Nancy says it, I believe it. So here's this, from The Huffington Post:


*Don't get me wrong, I love the website, and I read it daily... I just get worn out by the rhetoric in the editorials.I get it: we hate Ann Coulter and we stand for what they despise. Can we just all ratchet it down a notch? The hollering is giving me a headache.

When Worlds Collide

Happy 40th birthday Star Trek!

I could go on and on about what the Great Bird of the Galaxy and the Shat have done for modern times. I could talk about "the kiss" and topical issues masquerading as space hippies, super computers and Frank Gorshin, but I won't.

Instead, I'll remind you that the best show ever is ramping up for a third season on SciFi this October.

Watch these websiodes. Tune in next month.

So say we all.

All My Rowdy Friends

Getcher Mojo Workin'

And Their Eyes Will Pop!

I'm still not sure I buy it.

The new issue of Vanity Fair comes out tomorrow and in it Katie Holmes discusses how much she hates, well... sites like this and people like me.

"Some of the crap that's out there - the stuff that's said about my parents and my siblings [tabloid accounts implied that Katie's family did not hit it off with Tom] - it's really frustrating the amount of shit that's out there. And the stuff they say about Suri?! You shouldn't say that about us, and you can't say that about my child." Holmes explains that the gossip "eats away at me because it's just not O.K.," but that she keeps up on it because "this is my future. This is my family, and I care so much about them. To see how someone as caring and good as Tom is - to see how things can just get so twisted and turned around. I mean, where does it come from?"

Katie Couric also debuted the photos of Suri on the CBS Evening News which you can check out here:

And as much as everybody was hoping she'd turn out to be an animatronic Cabbage Patch Kid, the truth is she looks just exactly like what you'd expect Tomkat's offspring to look like... but with even more hair. And possibly Asian. Which makes about as much sense as her not being made by Mattel.

Great Moments In Comic Book History

The caption on the cover suggests that the comic is about an astronaut who crash lands his rocket into a spongy yield of hot alien... well, into a hot alien. The picture, however, suggests a completely different story.

Now, I'm no expert on primate facial expressions, but I think the look on the monkey's face can best be described as: concerned. Of course, I too would be concerned if a moon-bound astronaut mistook me for being a girl from outer space and wanted to make sweet love to me. And maybe I'm reading too much into this, but you can only see one of the astronaut's arms on the cover. I'll let you connect the dots, but I can say this much: I've only seen a grin like that on a man's face one other time, and my parents made sure to lock the door from that day on.

I Am Jack's Fantasy Football Draft

I hear the call of the Bocephus!

So last year I learned that two fantasy football leagues are twice as fun as one. This year? We're doublin' up again, my friends! FOUR fantasy football leagues this year! That's yet another two-fold increase of f-u-n! How much more fun could we have? None! None more fun!

So, I'm in an NFL.Com league with pals Joe, Robert, Tony, and of course with my beloved -and endlessly-indulgent- wife Nancy. We just completed our draft in the "Wealth & Beauty" league; here are the results:

Joe's Charlatans EC

Bulger, Marc QB STL

Anderson, Mike RB BAL

Barber, Tiki RB NYG

Moss, Santana WR WAS

Wayne, Reggie WR IND

Smith, L.J. TE PHI

Janikowski, Sebastian K OAK

Seahawks, DST DST SEA

Bench

Plummer, Jake QB DEN

Foster, DeShaun RB CAR

White, Roddy WR ATL

Troupe, Ben TE TEN

Nedney, Joe K SF

Eagles, DST PHI

Robert's Arsenal

Palmer, Carson QB CIN

Jones, Kevin RB DET

McGahee, Willis RB BUF

Kennison, Eddie WR KC

Owens, Terrell WR DAL

Heap, Todd TE BAL

Vinatieri, Adam K IND

Broncos, DST DEN

Bench

Brunell, Mark QB WAS

Taylor, Fred RB JAC

Evans, Lee WR BUF

Hilton, Zach TE NO

Brown, Josh K SEA

Rams, DST STL

Tony's CBS Sportsline.com Sucks

Brady, Tom QB NE

Brown, Ronnie RB MIA

Jones, Thomas RB CHI

Harrison, Marvin WR IND

Horn, Joe WR NO

Gates, Antonio TE SD

Graham, Shayne K CIN

Panthers, DST CAR

Bench

Rivers, Philip QB SD

Bell, Tatum RB DEN

Smith, Rod WR DEN

Franks, Bubba TE GB

Longwell, Ryan K MIN

Cowboys, DST DAL

Nancy's The Punctuation

Manning, Eli QB NYG

Westbrook, Brian RB PHI

Bush, Reggie RB NO

Driver, Donald WR GB

Jackson, Darrell WR SEA

Klopfenstein, Joe TE STL

Elam, Jason K DEN

Buccaneers, DST TB

Bench

Roethlisberger, Ben QB PIT

Taylor, Chester RB MIN

Glenn, Terry WR DAL

Anderson, Courtney TE OAK

Kasay, John K CAR

Dolphins, DST MIA

And finally...

Your Omegahedrons

McNabb, Donovan QB PHI

Dillon, Corey RB NE

Jackson, Steven RB STL

Burleson, Nate WR SEA

Moss, Randy WR OAK

Davis, Vernon TE

Reed, Jeff K PIT

Bengals, DST CIN

Bench

Delhomme, Jake QB CAR

Henry, Travis RB TEN

Toomer, Amani WR NYG

Pope, Leonard TE

Dawson, Phil K CLE

Jaguars, DST JAC

What can I say? Robert's super power is clearly winning fantasy leagues. His draft is most impressive, of course. I feel pretty good about mine, especially after nancy kindly accepted my trade offer for a running back. Actually, I think we both did well with that trade... though I fully expect to be crushed under the wieght of my chagrin if the guy I traded her gets carried away by a twister or retires to Utah mid-season to herd goats.

Meanwhile, Nancy and I are in another NFL.COM league, the "Idiots" league. You want draft results? You got 'em!

Nancy's Mrs. The Lunatic

Bulger, Marc QB STL

Dunn, Warrick RB ATL

Jackson, Steven RB STL

Jackson, Darrell WR SEA

Moss, Randy WR OAK

Klopfenstein, Joe TE STL

Kasay, John K CAR

Patriots, DST NE

Bench

Culpepper, Daunte QB MIA

Foster, DeShaun RB CAR

Burleson, Nate WR SEA

Anderson, Courtney TE OAK

Reed, Jeff K PIT

Redskins, DST WAS

Your Blue Meanies

McNabb, Donovan QB PHI

Bush, Reggie RB NO

Jones, Julius RB DAL

Walker, Javon WR DEN

Williams, Roy WR DET

Smith, L.J. TE PHI

Wilkins, Jeff K STL

Cowboys, DST DAL

Bench

Green, Trent QB KC

Maroney, Laurence RB NE

Gabriel, Doug WR OAK SD

Graham, Daniel TE NE

Nedney, Joe K SF

Jaguars, DST JAC

As far as I'm concerned, we're pretty evenly matched. My only goal in this league's draft was to get Reggie Bush... so, mission accomplished.

As long as we're talking about NFL.COM leagues, I might as well post my roster for "Slobber Knockers 2". I wanted to try an entirely different drafting strategy here. Here's how it turned out:

Your Mos Eisley Marauders

Delhomme, Jake QB CAR

Maroney, Laurence RB NE

Westbrook, Brian RB PHI

Houshmandzadeh, T.J. WR CIN

Williams, Roy WR DET

Miller, Heath TE PIT

Stover, Matt K BAL

Redskins, DST WA

Bench

Bulger, Marc QB STL

Henry, Travis RB TEN

Lundy, Wali RB HOU

Gabriel, Doug WR OAK

Nedney, Joe K SF

Chargers, DST SD

Pretty happy with that roster. I can't get over how many players I drafted in multiple leagues though! I ranked players differently for each, and drafted positions in different rounds in each... yet the same names kept popping up. Still and all, as opposed to previous years I'm not already trolling the waiver wire looking for replacements, so I have to say that I'm pretty pleased with each roster. Let's see how I feel about 'em in 16 weeks, though....

Finally, the office Yahoo league. This draft was... how shall I say... "challenging". We wound up with 20 teams in the league; each team drafted 19 positions. There aren't enough players in the NFL to cover that many positions. I drafted two hot soft pretzel vendors just to complete my roster, no lie. I was at least lucky enough to draft in the middle position (and so scored my #1 pick for QB, who, god willing, won't get hurt since my backuop is JP -"Who?"- Losman), but by the time I got my second pick? The marquee QBs and RBs were gone. I was prepared with research on rookies and up-and-coming #2 RBs and WRs, and I did get my picks for defensive positions, so I'm hopeful I have a solid roster... but man alive! It was a tough, long draft. Don't believe me? Check out these rosters:

Tony's Terrific Terrell

QB C. Pennington (NYJ - QB)

WR R. Wayne (Ind - WR)

RB T. Barber (NYG - RB)

TE J. Witten (Dal - TE)

W/R W. McGahee (Buf - RB)

W/R D. Rhodes (Ind - RB)

K R. Longwell (Min - K)

Bench

A. Bryant (SF - WR)

D. Carr (Hou - QB)

V. Haynes (Pit - RB)

J. McCareins (NYJ - WR)

G. Wrighster (Jac - TE)

Defense

C. Rogers (Was - DB)

E. Green (Ari - DB)

Ma. Patterson (Atl - DL)

E. Alexander (NE - DL)

Bench

C. Webster (NYG - DB)



Robert's Arsenal

QB M. Hasselbeck (Sea - QB)

WR M. Harrison (Ind - WR)

RB C. Brown (Ten - RB)

TE V. Davis (SF - TE)

W/R A. Toomer (NYG - WR)

W/R L. Coles (NYJ - WR)

Bench

M. Barber III (Dal - RB)

M. Bulger (StL - QB)

E. Conwell (NO - TE)

T. Taylor (Min - WR)

Defense

M. Brown (Chi - DB)

B. Sanders (Ind - DB)

E. Reed (Bal - DB)

D. O'Neal (Cin - DB)

A. Hawk (GB - DL)

A. Davis (Cle - DL)

Bench

M. Williams (Hou - DL)


And, of course, your Tropical Depressions

QB C. Palmer (Cin - QB)

WR T. Houshmandzadeh (Cin - WR)

RB R. Bush (NO - RB)

TE J. Klopfenstein (StL - TE)

W/R W. Lundy (Hou - RB)

W/R K. McCardell (SD - WR)

K J. Kasay (Car - K)

Bench

D. Williams (Car - RB)

J.J. Arrington (Ari - RB)

J. Losman (Buf - QB)

D. Gabriel (Oak - WR)

A. Smith (TB - TE)

Defense

T. Polamalu (Pit - DB)

S. Merriman (SD - DL)

S. Spencer (SF - DB)

S. Taylor (Was - DB)

B. Urlacher (Chi - DL)

D. Ware (Dal - DL)

Bench

D. Freeney (Ind - DL)

I'm telling you, it was a tough draft. Like I said, I tried to target rookies in their respective #1 spots, and solid defense fellas (though Robert did snake one out from under me, bastard), but filling a roster with starters -never mind talent- was damn difficult, tell you what. You might have noticed Tony's roster is shy a few guys... he's already dropped players. And me? I'm in the process of picking up players from the waiver wire... mostly trying to get a backup kicker, and drop a guy the system auto-drafted for me 'cause, oddly enough, I was unable to stay at the computer for the duration of a three hour draft. I dunno, it should be interesting....

Stay tuned!

"Nothing was solved when the fight was over, but nothing mattered."
~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club