He lied in every word.

Hello Pot? It's the Kettle. You're Black!

Great speech last night, huh?

Obviously, Dubya can't find a coherent sentence with both hands and a flashlight. Somehow though, what's still not clear is whether he's really as stupid as he seems, or if he's simply a liar. Either way -manipulated or manipulating- he's a jerk.

For now, let's set aside the debacle of the Iraq occupation, alright? Let's palaver some about the chasm that separates what Dubyaco say they stand for, and what they actually spend their days doing. "Why?" you ask? Mostly because:
a) I'm more pissed than ever at him and his Neocon dickwad cronies and
b) I can't find any more Flash games that challenge you to shoot poop into a moving toilet.

So... there is no question that America, under the leadership of the Bush administration, has developed extensive systems of abuse and continues with outrageous, hypocritic, illegal behavior, all in the name of its brand of freedom.

Amnesty International (you remember them... U2 and Bryan Adams did that tour?) recently criticized the Bush administration's treatment of detainees at Guantanamo Bay, calling the facility "the gulag of our times," a pointedly-blunt reference to political prisoners held by the former Soviet Union.

Dubya and his supporters quickly responded by calling the accusation absurd. Some of them even pronounced it correctly. "I'm aware of the Amnesty International report, and it's absurd - it's an absurd allegation," Dubya stammered.

So, it would seem to even the most casual of observers that the Bush administration objects to Amnesty's use of the word "gulag." Saying it twice convinced me, anyway. People may automatically assume "gulag" refers to work-camps, but a closer look reveals a more broad definition, including:

"A place or situation of great suffering and hardship, likened to the atmosphere
in a prison system or a forced labor camp."

If that isn't a universally accepted description of the conditions for the detainees at Guantanamo Bay, then what is? For the Bush administration to call Amnesty’s assessment of America's pattern of abuse "absurd" is to not understand the definition of the word... which, really, should come as a surprise to no one.

The pattern of abuse is both well-reported and -despite almost constant denials from the White House- undeniable. The only question is why we let it go on... and on... and on?

The Bush administration selected Guantanamo Bay with the intention of preventing the prisoners from having access to U.S. courts. Dubya has refused to designate them "prisoners of war," which would have put them under the legal protection of the Geneva Convention, despite the fact that America is conducting a "global war on terror." There are reports that a number of children under age 16 are among the detainees at Guantanamo Bay, but no independent agency has been permitted access to verify their condition, or to determine where or why they were arrested.

My bet? Dubya's only real objection to the term "gulag" is that he hadn't thought to put these "disappeared" prisoners to work (yet).

Wherever Richard Petty is now, he's righteously-pissed.

Ghost is the machine.

What a sight!

Chariots of the Gods.

Prophet and Loss

"Now as I looked at the living creatures, I saw a wheel upon the earth beside the living creatures one for each of the four of them. As for the appearance of the wheels and their construction, their appearance was like the gleaming of a chrysolite, and the four had the same likeness being as it were a wheel within a wheel. The four wheels had rims and they had spokes, and their rims were full of eyes round about. And when the living creatures went, the wheels went beside them and when the living creatures went, the wheels went with them, for the living creature was in the wheel."
~Ezekiel, chapter 1, Verses 15 thru 21. RSV

"The real danger to the U.S. and perhaps this whole planet is the government has placed such a heavy blanket of secrecy upon this issue. So much secrecy, those in government who have knowledge showing UFOs are identifiable feel the subject cannot be discussed by those in the know without serious repercussions. Others are afraid their friends and co-workers will think they are crazy if they even so much as insinuate that UFOs are identifiable as manned craft from outside the earth. This particularly applies to newspaper editors and publishers, reporters and analysts. Thus the U.S. is denying itself the chance to learn more about UFOs or to encourage research despite the fact the U. S. stands to gain from such discussions.... Not publicized but true is that the Clinton administration, soon after coming to office, had many briefings on the subject. Laurance Rockefeller provided the information for the President and Mrs. Clinton. Others provided documents and verbal briefings to presidential advisors Jack Gibbons (science), Bruce Lindsay (personal), Anthony Lake (national security) and Vice President Albert Gore. About the same time a three hour briefing was given by Dr. Steven Greer to the sitting Director of the CIA, Admiral Woolsey.... After the Roswell incident, the Air Force replied to reporters' inquiries that this was all part of research using weather balloons and other equipment. [Colonel] Corso and hundreds of others who work or have worked in secret defense and scientific agencies, are willing to swear under oath that alien craft are repeatedly penetrating our airspace."
~Sarah McClendon, Dean of the White House Press Corps, 1998

"I think there's a lot of evidence that we've made contact."
~Dennis Weaver

The sky is falling!

I think somebody better put out the big light.

Where do you stand?

Just go with the flow.

Pissing contest.

I’m Not the Man They Think I am at Home

There's this strange animal out at the San Francisco Zoo; the placard on its cage reads "Deer/Mouse."

It has the head of a mouse, and the body of a miniature deer, with tiny deer hooves.

If you listen very closely, you can hear its tiny, reedy voice wheedling "See, it's like this: I'm a mouse, but I really just work as a mouse... you know... days. It's a job. But see, what I am -what I really am- is a deer. Or, you know, that's what I'd like to be someday. You know, knock wood."

Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

The only thing I hate more than fuckin' robots from the fuckin' future trying to fuckin' kill me is a Scientologist who never finished high school perched on an Ikea barstool preaching better living through his drug of choice to the rest of us stupid, ugly "normies" too stupid and ugly to fend for our stupid, ugly "normie" selves....

But seriously: I hate those fuckin' robots.

Domo Arigato

Great... just great. Now I'm terrified again.

Great Moments in Comic Book History!

Remember when we were terrified that computers would wrench the world from our hands? Remember knowing that our carbon-crunching creations would rise up one day and teach us a harsh lesson in humility? Remember War Games? Electric Dreams? That episode of Super Friends in which puny, animated humans just sat idly by and let computers take over their daily chores -ostensibly to allow humanity to devote themselves to loftier goals like painting or teaching kids to make pie out of laughter- only to leave them helpless and lazy in hammocks and on park benches... and ultimately defeated?

Those computers that terrified us? That haunted our powerless dreams? TRS-80s, my friends.

TRS-80s had 4kb of ROM... up to 16kb of RAM. We were sure they'd start running things if we slept too long. I had a friend who unplugged his at night, no lie. By contrast, today my dad has a wristwatch with 128mb of RAM, and I don't even worry about it leaving the iron on when they go on vacation, or writing checks to the GOP.

Rest assured, Superman saw through the crafty ruse of the "TRS-80 Whiz Kids." He knew better than to let some all-powerful savior try to get it's clutches on Metropolis. He knew better than to fall sway to said savior's siren song of salvation. He knew better than to leave his fate in anyone else's hands. He knew better than to... wait... who was I talking about again?

Anyway... my dad's watch? Pretty cool.

Fun With Dick & Jane!

Burnin' for you.

Flag Razin'

There's a lot I could say about this, but I think the distinguished gentleman from New York -from New York- said it best this afternoon:

"If the flag needs protection at all it needs protection from members of Congress who value it more as a symbol than for the freedom it represents" ~Representative Jerry Nadler

Let freedom singe.

It was a pleasure to burn.

Shot and blue glare.

I am Lightning!

I knew I should have taken that job at CalPERS... shit.

So, all one has to be to reign as one of the top-paid State o' California employees (never mind the OT... don't need OT... OT's for losers who make less than 300k/year) is... well, Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver.

Now, I may not possess knowledge of "current literature, laws, regulations, and developments, as well as various agencies, that impact municipal Treasury activities," but I have saved Jamie Gertz from an evil, smack-talkin' drug dealer twice... and I do have a California driver's license... plus, you know, my own bike.

Oh yeah... I'll be tradin' these chains for wings....

RIP chivalry... RIP.

You Makin' a Mistake Right There, F'real*

I'm not one of those people who freaks out about second-hand smoke, or who hacks dramatically as smokers walk past on the street, but you've gotta' admit there's probably a good reason gynecologists don't smoke during prenatal exams, right?

Ben Affleck's a dick.

Oh, and if smoking around your pregnant wife isn't bad enough... howsabout making her carry the beverages from Starbucks to your SUV... and letting her wrassle with her own door once she gets there?

I say again: Ben Affleck is a dick.

And he can't gamble.

Or act.

And he wears a rug.

Dickety-Dick-Dick... Dick.

*Yeah... it's The Roots' "I Don't Care."

The beat goes on.

Howl

"...those Salvation Army speechers howled right along in the noise and roar. The Lord this and the Lord that is all they kept sayin, and I don't remember exactly, except about burning in the fires of repentance and them talking to ever'body like they was sinners. Well, maybe ever'body do be sinners but it ain't innerestin on the street corner to hear it challenged, 'case there ain't nobody likely to step up and confess all his sins in front of the police-man that's always teeterin on his heels right there. What's I goin to explain to the police-man about the fire I started in Mr Otis' cornfield that cost him twenty dollars of feed and nobody ever knowed it was me? Well, no New York man that lives right there is goin to step up and tell how he threw his cigarette away and burned down the hospital in his block, and any such thing. Besides of which, why don't the speechers go into detail about their own sins they keep repentin and folks could work from there and judge."
~Jack Kerouac, Pic

Bobby & the Carbonauts.

Note to self: We're so fucked.

Brain Dead Not to Know

Now that the media is actually starting to pay a little attention to the Downing Street Memo have you noticed how defensive they are about it? How hard they try to explain away why it received so little attention in the U.S. press when the news first broke in the British press weeks ago? The most familiar line -the memo wasn't news because it contained no "new" information- only raises troubling (if not downright galling) questions about what journalists were doing when they should have been reporting on the gulf between official White House pronouncements and actual White House intentions.

There are two important points in the Downing Street Memo, and media apologists have desperatley come up with slightly different -though equally unconvincing- arguments as to why each did not deserve coverage. Bear with me.

The first point is that the White House was intent on going to war long before it announced the decision to invade Iraq. "It seemed clear that President Bush had made up his mind to take military action," the memo states, citing British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw (late of my third-favorite Grateful Dead song ever). The Washington Post editorialized (6/15/05): "The memos add not a single fact to what was previously known about the administration's prewar deliberations. Not only that: They add nothing to what was publicly known in July 2002." The New York Times reported (6/14/05) that "the documents are not quite so shocking. Three years ago, the near-unanimous conventional wisdom in Washington held that President Bush was determined to topple Saddam Hussein by any means necessary." NBC reporter Andrea -"Would you quit looking at my feet?"- Mitchell similarly remarked on June 14 (Media Matters, 6/15/05) that you had to be "brain dead not to know" what the White House was doing. But if everyone knew it was a lie when Bush and the White House repeatedly denied that they had decided to go to war (as with Dubya's March 6, 2003 statement, "I have not made up our mind about military action"), why were reporters not exposing this bad faith at every turn? I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, but isn't that their job?

On March 16, 2003, for example, Andrea -"Seriously... quit it."- Mitchell referred to negotiations at the United Nations as part of "the diplomatic campaign to avoid war." If war was a foregone conclusion, why were such talks reported as if they mattered? And how should reporters treat recent comments by Dubya that war was a last resort? "Both of us [Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair] didn't want to use our military," he said at a June 7 press conference. "Nobody wants to commit military into combat. It's the last option." If this is known to be a lie, why isn't it identified as such in news reports? If there's some doubt about whether he's lying, isn't the Downing Street Memo important evidence as to what the truth is? Isn't that worth investigating?

The second issue raised by the Downing Street Memo regards the "fixing of intelligence." On this question, media responses differ somewhat: The memo is inconclusive, some say, or investigations into intelligence tampering have shown that such claims are without merit. The June 15 Washington Post editorial claimed that "the memos provide no information that would alter the conclusions of multiple independent investigations on both sides of the Atlantic, which were that U.S. and British intelligence agencies genuinely believed Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction and that they were not led to that judgment by the Bush administration." The investigations the Post is alluding to are irrelevant (man I feel fancy when I type that word), since they did not specifically address the question of how the White House handled intelligence reports on Iraq. The Senate Select Committee on Intelligence investigation was limited in scope; as the Washington Post reported (7/10/04), the panel "[made] no judgment on whether the administration distorted the intelligence it was given." More important, however, is the fact that the Downing Street Memo does suggest that the British government didn't believe the evidence of Iraq's WMD programs was strong at all. As the memo states, "the case was thin. Saddam was not threatening his neighbours, and his WMD capability was less than that of Libya, North Korea or Iran." The case for the politicization of intelligence is not difficult to make... it merely involves citing evidence the media blithely ignored at the time.

In its March 3, 2003 issue, Newsweek reported what should have been a bombshell: The star defector who supplied some of the most significant information about Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction had told investigators that those weapons no longer existed! Iraq defector Hussein Kamel -Saddam Hussein's son-in-law, who ran Iraq's unconventional weapons (yeah, I thought that meant cream pies and pogo sticks too... live and learn) programs- was debriefed in 1995 about the status of those programs. Some of what Kamel said to the weapons inspectors would become very familiar: 30,000 liters of anthrax had been produced by the Iraqi regime, for example, and four tons of the VX nerve agent. These specific quantities were cited repeatedly by White House officials to make the case for war, and were staples of media coverage in the run-up to war. But Kamel told the inspectors something else: that Iraq had destroyed these stockpiles soon after the Gulf War. "All weapons -biological, chemical, missile, nuclear- were destroyed," Kamel told the inspectors. Somehow, despite their obvious importance, the Kamel revelations were barely mentioned in the mainstream, "liberal" media. This fact is worth remembering when journalists claim that pre-war media coverage was "remarkably prescient" about the White House's intentions.

The Downing Street Memo is many things: a possible smoking gun, certainly inquiry-worthy... but it's also a reminder of how poorly the media served the public before the war... which might explain their reluctance to take it seriously.

Or maybe they're just fuckin' sellouts.

Be very afraid....

Aloha Mr. Hand.

Sequined Glove on the Torch

It's your first full week in months without the hoary promise of courtroom hijinx in beautiful midtown Santa Maria, California....

"Not guilty, on all counts."

Good for Michael and his fans, bad for the nation, since we now have to spend all kinds of time thinking up a new knee-jerk pedophile to use every time we don’t feel like making an effo- John Bolton.

Yeah, that’ll do.

The nation's new "Official Knee-Jerk Pedophile" is former Undersecretary of State for Arms Control and International Security turned wannabe Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton.

He fills in the gap left by now fully-exonerated Michael Jackson perfectly, don't you think? First, there’s no real evidence he’s really a pedophile. Also, he’s weird-looking. Best of all: his climb to power trampled the lives of thousands with a needless, greed-fueled war which has rendered America a hypocritical joke in the eyes of the world, just like that prick Micha-- well, the comparison breaks down there, but you get the idea.

Congrats John, you filthy bastard!

So it's time to grow-up and move on... check these out one last time with someone you love… which if you’re John Bolton means Jonathan Lipnicki.

· Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Michael Jackson Trial

· A Photographic History of Michael Jackson’s Face

· The Lego version of Michael Jackson’s Thriller

· Escape From Neverland

My Anus is Bleeding!

Rejected.

Re-posted.

Review.

rrrr-urp.

Ruh-roh... 'scuseme.

Batman Among Men

Yeah, so Batman Begins is -to cop another superhero's adjective- amazing.

Nancy said it best -hell Nancy says everything best (ask her to say "clandestine" sometime... you won't regret it)- when she remarked that "it's about the weaponization of fear."

It's dark... moody... grounded, and utterly believable. To continue with the copping: "You'll believe a man can don a Nomex body suit and fight crime all night."

I dug Tim Burton's Batman... but what I really wanted to see was this. Christopher Nolan nailed it... even the Russians gave it a 9.0... and they're dicks. Hey comrades! It's not our fault you guys can't wear jeans... quit pickin' on our pre-teen athletes! And tell your cosmonauts to leave Gilligan and the other castaways alone already! Like they don't have enough problems?

Anyway... remember this? Well, Batman Begins just took over #5, and pushed everyone else back a position... sorry G-Men From Hell... there's a new tortured manbeast in town... and his name's Bruce Wayne.

Y'all be cool.

In the church of the poison mind. (Thanks Lindsay!)

Or you gonna' whistle Dixie?

Skinneriffic!

Macchio man.

Rednecks just wanna' have fun!

Where the Red String Goes

How many kinds of crazy do you have to be to take the title of "hottest Hollywood cult" away from Scientology? Damned if I know, but Kaballah is sure as hell giving it the Koresh Compound try. Radar Online has put up the first in a series of reports on the religion of Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Madonna, Guy Ritchie and Britney Spears. Some of the highlights (and by "highlights" I mean "factoids that make me start to throw-up in horror, but at the last minute I swallow so puke doesn't spray all over my keyboard. Which is good and bad at the same time, y'know?") include:

- The Centre's leaders have claimed its Kabbalah Water can do everything from cleansing the lakes of Chernobyl to curing cancer. Naturally, Madonna is going to team up with the Centre in marketing the water to the masses.

- Kabbalah Centre founder Philip Berg has made suspicious claims about being the rightful successor to revered Kabbalist Rabbi Yehuda Brandwein. Berg also settled a lawsuit that charged him with copyright infringement and plagiarism.

- The Centre has a penchant for lending money (presumably donated to the “church” by parishioners) to companies owned by the Bergs' friends. That includes one $1.8 million loan to a company that flips real estate in inner-city L.A. neighborhoods.

- The Bergs’ explicit strategy of steering Kabbalah away from its Jewish roots in order to appeal to a wider global market, and their plans to brand both the Centre and family members for maximum popular appeal.

- The Bergs' luxurious lifestyle stands in stark contrast to the bleak four-to-a-bedroom quarters of those who cook and clean for them, making $35 a month.

The next time some celebrity wants to lecture you on politics or the environment or war or toaster pastries, please keep in mind the other insane stuff they believe and the genuine disdain they have toward you. Have no doubt, Hollywood is filled with drug-addicted fuck-ups who sincerely do believe that they’re better then the pharmacist in Fremont who loves his wife and kids. I know that guy, and believe me, they're not. The only good news is that they’re rich and easily duped, so anyone with a moose costume and a flashlight could probably convince a bunch of them that only the MooseLight Foundation can show the way to true enlightenment. That should be good for at least a few million.

Off the Wall

I did my best not to watch any of the Michael Jackson trial coverage, and I tuned in late to the verdict, so it took me a minute to discern if they were saying the boy at the center of the case “wasn’t credible” and Jackson was innocent, or that he “was incredible” and Jackson was in love.

Now that it’s over, I’d rather get advice from my grandfather about how to masturbate with a belt around my neck than spend another minute thinking about it... but one story I couldn’t stop reading was a series of posts put up recently on the Data Lounge website by someone claiming to be Michael Jackson’s former publicist. There’s obviously no way to verify this, but if this person is lying, they’ve done their homework, offering insight on topics such as Michael Jackson's nose being recut from ear cartilage, a morphine addiction, the reason his skin has turned white, and the long line of ever-present young boys.

You know what the man said: "You love to pretend that you're good, when you're always up to no good."

Seriously. No, really.

Batman's beggin'.

Hurry...

18 Tickets to Paradise

"(SPOKEN:) Dear God, you made many, many poor people. I realize, of course, that it's no great shame to be poor... but it's no great honor, either. So what would have been the difference if I had... a small fortune?

If I were a rich man,
Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard,
Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
If I were a biddy-biddy rich,
Daidle deedle daidle daidle man.

I'd build a big tall house with rooms by the dozen
Right in the middle of the town,
A fine tin roof with real wooden floors below.
There would be one long staircase just going up
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.
I'd fill my yard with chicks and turkeys and geese
And ducks for the town to see and hear,
Squawking just as noisily as they can,
And each loud "pa-pa-geeee! pa-pa-gaack! pa-pa-geeee! pa-pa-gaack!"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say, "Here lives a wealthy man." Oy!

If I were a rich man,
Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard,
Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
If I were a biddy-biddy rich,
Daidle deedle daidle daidle man.

I see my wife, my Golde, looking like a rich man's wife,
With a proper double chin,
Supervising meals to her heart's delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock, Oy!

What a happy mood she's in, Screaming at the servants day and night.
The most important men in town will come to fawn on me--
They will ask me to advise them, Like a Solomon the Wise--
"If you please, Reb Tevye?"--
"Pardon me, Reb Tevye?"--
Posing problems that would cross a rabbi's eyes--
(chanting) Ya va voy, ya va voy voy vum...
And it won't make one bit of difference
If I answer right or wrong--
When you're rich, they think you really know.

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in the synagogue and pray,
And maybe have a seat by the Eastern wall,
And I'd discuss the learned books with the holy men
Seven hours every day--
That would be the sweetest thing of all... Oy!

If I were a rich man,
Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard,
Daidle deedle daidle Daidle daidle deedle daidle dum
Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am--
Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan, If I were a wealthy man?"

Act now!

If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on....

William Shatner, man... you know?

Meet the model son who's been good too long.

Talk to Me Goose!

In an interview at the Entertainment Weekly website, Tom Cruise addresses some of his insane tendencies of late, including flopping around on Oprah, taking shots out of nowhere at Brooke Shields and his ramped-up commitment to Scientology.

Now, before anyone is too hard on Tom, just remember that his body is inhabited by the wandering souls of fried space aliens. So, you know... that sucks. And laugh now if you want, but once Xenu is freed from his electronic mountain trap and order is restored to the Galactic Confederation, you’re gonna feel pretty silly. No offense to any of you who don't believe in Xenu, but you're kinda' makin' an ass out of yourself.

Don't cry out loud.

Don't Tell Me No

1. NOOOOOOOller Coaster
2. United States of NOOOOOO!
3. Where is Padme?
4. Vader on Wheel of Fortune
5. Vader's No Dance
6. Vader 1989
7. This is CNNOOOOOOOOOOO!
8. Regular old NOOOOOOOO!
9. Vader and the Internet
10. OOOOOOOON!

And especially for you: The devious Snidely Grievous

Pick on someone your own size!

I know sometimes you want to let go.