Jim never has a second cup of my coffee....
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Tinker Toys
Now listen:
Just so's you know, I've been tinkering with the links... added a bunch... you should check 'em out. There won't be a quiz, but I do get a key lime pie every time someone clicks through to one of those sites... and then I give them to charity. The pies, not the sites... man, what are you thinking?
Oh, and over there? Amidst the links? I added a picture of Jim Kirk, renegade and terrorist. Click him, and learn a little somethin' about yourself.
OH! And if you normally have your computer's sound turned off, quit that. First of all, everyone in your office just loves the sound of random pop-up ads spouting witicisms like "Give it to me, stud!" and "Rectum? I hardly knew 'em!" and second? There's a butt-ton* of audio hijinx goin' on here... so forget what Weezer said... and take a page from Autograph's book: turn it up!
*Hats off to Ray!
Just so's you know, I've been tinkering with the links... added a bunch... you should check 'em out. There won't be a quiz, but I do get a key lime pie every time someone clicks through to one of those sites... and then I give them to charity. The pies, not the sites... man, what are you thinking?
Oh, and over there? Amidst the links? I added a picture of Jim Kirk, renegade and terrorist. Click him, and learn a little somethin' about yourself.
OH! And if you normally have your computer's sound turned off, quit that. First of all, everyone in your office just loves the sound of random pop-up ads spouting witicisms like "Give it to me, stud!" and "Rectum? I hardly knew 'em!" and second? There's a butt-ton* of audio hijinx goin' on here... so forget what Weezer said... and take a page from Autograph's book: turn it up!
*Hats off to Ray!
Great Moments in Comic Book History!
I remember seeing these comics on the shelves and thinking "Why can't anyone draw William Shatner's nose?"
Well, now I'm thinking this comic saga was marketing genius. Genius! The X-Men galavanting about a 23rd century where they would finally find the acceptance they crave... but they couldn't smoke or swear and would certainly have to take orders from one James T. Kirk 'cause... do I have to explain why they'd have to take orders from James T. Kirk? Really?
I'm sure the moral of the saga was teamwork's swell, and it sucks to be an outsider, but nothing ever sucks more than being in love with Mr. Spock. Ahhhhhhhh, bitter dregs.
Well, now I'm thinking this comic saga was marketing genius. Genius! The X-Men galavanting about a 23rd century where they would finally find the acceptance they crave... but they couldn't smoke or swear and would certainly have to take orders from one James T. Kirk 'cause... do I have to explain why they'd have to take orders from James T. Kirk? Really?
I'm sure the moral of the saga was teamwork's swell, and it sucks to be an outsider, but nothing ever sucks more than being in love with Mr. Spock. Ahhhhhhhh, bitter dregs.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Arrrrrrrrrrrr! Here Thar Be Spoilers!
You know, we used to live next door to pirates. Nancy still doesn't believe me, but it's true. It wasn't so bad... but the shanties did get tiresome....
I'm a geek, 'strue... but I'm not fit to bag Kevin Smith's comics, and I'll tell you why: he got married at Skywalker Ranch.
Knowing that, just try to imagine how he must feel, getting to see Revenge of the Sith early.... You know what? Screw trying to imagine it... read all about it here! But be warned! Kev's way too excited about this movie to keep some of the juicier details to himself!
And now, a word from Clerks:
RANDAL Which did you like better: Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
DANTE (exasperated) Empire.
RANDAL Blasphemy.
DANTE Empire had the better ending: Luke gets his hand cut off, and finds out Vader's his father; Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. And that's life-a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
RANDAL There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it until today.
RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.
DANTE What's that?
RANDAL All right, Vader's boss...
DANTE The Emperor.
RANDAL Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
DANTE How do you mean?
RANDAL Well, he's like the pope for the dark side of the Force. He's a holy man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an evil one.
DANTE I guess.
RANDAL Now, he's in charge of the Empire. The Imperial government is under his control. And the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule.
DANTE Yeah.
RANDAL Then wouldn't that logically mean that it's a theocracy? If the head of the Empire is a priest of some sort, then it stands to reason that the government is therefore one based on religion.
DANTE It would stand to reason, yes.
RANDAL Hence, the Empire was a fascist theocracy, and the rebel forces were therefore battling religious persecution.
DANTE More or less.
RANDAL The only problem is that at no point in the series did I ever hear Leia or any of the rebels declare a particular religious belief.
DANTE I think they were Catholics.
A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Are you open?
DANTE Yeah. Come in. He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.
RANDAL You know what else I noticed in Jedi?
DANTE There's more?
RANDAL So they build another Death Star, right?
DANTE Yeah.
RANDAL Now the first one they built was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.
DANTE Luke blew it up. Give credit where it's due.
RANDAL And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
DANTE Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
RANDAL Something just never sat right with me the second time they destroyed it. I could never put my finger on it-something just wasn't right.
DANTE And you figured it out?
RANDAL Well, the thing is, the first Death Star was manned by the Imperial army-storm troopers, dignitaries- the only people onboard were Imperials.
DANTE Basically.
RANDAL So when they blew it up, no prob. Evil is punished.
DANTE And the second time around...?
RANDAL The second time around, it wasn't even finished yet. They were still under construction.
DANTE So?
RANDAL A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
DANTE Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at.
RANDAL Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
DANTE All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
RANDAL All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed- casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. (notices Dante's confusion) All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia-this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt, but what were you talking about?
RANDAL The ending of Return of the Jedi.
DANTE My friend is trying to convince me that any contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when the space station was destroyed by the rebels.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer... (digs into pocket and produces business card) Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements. And speaking as a roofer, I can say that a roofer's personal politics come heavily into play when choosing jobs.
RANDAL Like when?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Three months ago I was offered a job up in the hills. A beautiful house with tons of property. It was a simple reshingling job, but I was told that if it was finished within a day, my price would be doubled. Then I realized whose house it was.
DANTE Whose house was it?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Dominick Bambino's.
RANDAL "Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN The same. The money was right, but the risk was too big. I knew who he was, and based on that, I passed the job on to a friend of mine.
DANTE Based on personal politics.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Right. And that week, the Foresci family put a hit on Babyface's house. My friend was shot and killed. He wasn't even finished shingling.
RANDAL No way!
BLUE-COLLAR MAN (paying for coffee) I'm alive because I knew there were risks involved taking on that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. (pauses to reflect) You know, any contractor willing to work on that Death Star knew the risks. If they were killed, it was their own fault. A roofer listens to this... (taps his heart) not his wallet.
That's right Master Smith... that's right....
UPDATE 4/30: Check this out!
I'm a geek, 'strue... but I'm not fit to bag Kevin Smith's comics, and I'll tell you why: he got married at Skywalker Ranch.
Knowing that, just try to imagine how he must feel, getting to see Revenge of the Sith early.... You know what? Screw trying to imagine it... read all about it here! But be warned! Kev's way too excited about this movie to keep some of the juicier details to himself!
And now, a word from Clerks:
RANDAL Which did you like better: Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
DANTE (exasperated) Empire.
RANDAL Blasphemy.
DANTE Empire had the better ending: Luke gets his hand cut off, and finds out Vader's his father; Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. And that's life-a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
RANDAL There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it until today.
RANDAL follows DANTE as he cleans up around the store.
DANTE What's that?
RANDAL All right, Vader's boss...
DANTE The Emperor.
RANDAL Right, the Emperor. Now the Emperor is kind of a spiritual figure, yes?
DANTE How do you mean?
RANDAL Well, he's like the pope for the dark side of the Force. He's a holy man; a shaman, kind of, albeit an evil one.
DANTE I guess.
RANDAL Now, he's in charge of the Empire. The Imperial government is under his control. And the entire galaxy is under Imperial rule.
DANTE Yeah.
RANDAL Then wouldn't that logically mean that it's a theocracy? If the head of the Empire is a priest of some sort, then it stands to reason that the government is therefore one based on religion.
DANTE It would stand to reason, yes.
RANDAL Hence, the Empire was a fascist theocracy, and the rebel forces were therefore battling religious persecution.
DANTE More or less.
RANDAL The only problem is that at no point in the series did I ever hear Leia or any of the rebels declare a particular religious belief.
DANTE I think they were Catholics.
A BLUE-COLLAR MAN half enters the door.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Are you open?
DANTE Yeah. Come in. He goes to the coffee machine and makes a cup of joe.
RANDAL You know what else I noticed in Jedi?
DANTE There's more?
RANDAL So they build another Death Star, right?
DANTE Yeah.
RANDAL Now the first one they built was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.
DANTE Luke blew it up. Give credit where it's due.
RANDAL And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.
DANTE Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
RANDAL Something just never sat right with me the second time they destroyed it. I could never put my finger on it-something just wasn't right.
DANTE And you figured it out?
RANDAL Well, the thing is, the first Death Star was manned by the Imperial army-storm troopers, dignitaries- the only people onboard were Imperials.
DANTE Basically.
RANDAL So when they blew it up, no prob. Evil is punished.
DANTE And the second time around...?
RANDAL The second time around, it wasn't even finished yet. They were still under construction.
DANTE So?
RANDAL A construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.
DANTE Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at.
RANDAL Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.
DANTE All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
RANDAL All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed- casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. (notices Dante's confusion) All right, look-you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia-this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.
The BLUE-COLLAR MAN joins them.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt, but what were you talking about?
RANDAL The ending of Return of the Jedi.
DANTE My friend is trying to convince me that any contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when the space station was destroyed by the rebels.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer... (digs into pocket and produces business card) Dunn and Reddy Home Improvements. And speaking as a roofer, I can say that a roofer's personal politics come heavily into play when choosing jobs.
RANDAL Like when?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Three months ago I was offered a job up in the hills. A beautiful house with tons of property. It was a simple reshingling job, but I was told that if it was finished within a day, my price would be doubled. Then I realized whose house it was.
DANTE Whose house was it?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Dominick Bambino's.
RANDAL "Babyface" Bambino? The gangster?
BLUE-COLLAR MAN The same. The money was right, but the risk was too big. I knew who he was, and based on that, I passed the job on to a friend of mine.
DANTE Based on personal politics.
BLUE-COLLAR MAN Right. And that week, the Foresci family put a hit on Babyface's house. My friend was shot and killed. He wasn't even finished shingling.
RANDAL No way!
BLUE-COLLAR MAN (paying for coffee) I'm alive because I knew there were risks involved taking on that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. (pauses to reflect) You know, any contractor willing to work on that Death Star knew the risks. If they were killed, it was their own fault. A roofer listens to this... (taps his heart) not his wallet.
That's right Master Smith... that's right....
UPDATE 4/30: Check this out!
Thursday, April 28, 2005
This Week on Mercy High's Marquee!
"Largest all girls school in the city! 584-5929"
Take a long look at this word: "girl." It's just a funny lookin' word, isn't it?
"Girl."
Funny-lookin'.
I have to point out that it's supposed to be "all-girls school." I'm sure Scooter didn't waste the only hyphen in the aresenal on that phone number, so what's the deal?
Oh, and for the record? There are only six all-girls schools in the city/county of San Francisco... and I'm willing to bet that the kids at the other five schools know where to stick their hyphens.
Take a long look at this word: "girl." It's just a funny lookin' word, isn't it?
"Girl."
Funny-lookin'.
I have to point out that it's supposed to be "all-girls school." I'm sure Scooter didn't waste the only hyphen in the aresenal on that phone number, so what's the deal?
Oh, and for the record? There are only six all-girls schools in the city/county of San Francisco... and I'm willing to bet that the kids at the other five schools know where to stick their hyphens.
Holy Divers
Just... just read this.
As if it wasn't bad enough that the dissenting voices in this country are already being sytematically silenced in the media and the hallowed halls of government... now it's okay for the majority party to go back into the Congressional record and edit the words of the opposing party? Make them look like idiots, crackpots, liars or worse?
Here's one example from the article:
DEMS: a Nadler amendment allows an adult who could be prosecuted under the bill to go to a Federal district court and seek a waiver to the state’s parental notice laws if this remedy is not available in the state court. (no 11-16)GOP
REWRITE: Mr. Nadler offered an amendment that would have created an additional layer of Federal court review that could be used by sexual predators to escape conviction under the bill. By a roll call vote of 11 yeas to 16 nays, the amendment was defeated.
What the fuck? What makes anyone think they can go back and edit the Congressional record? I can't even fathom this practice. Changing the text of ammendments, floor debates and resolutions in what has always been a sacrosanct record of once-transparent events in Congress? Just to... what? Create pithy quotes to use against the Democrats in the '06 elections? To test the water of changing laws that the voters have passed? Are the Republicans really that drunk with power right now? How low will they go?
This is absolutely chilling.
Let's review: the Republicans have the majority in the House. They have the majority in the Senate. They own the Executive. The majority of judges in District and Appeals courts are -or were appointed by- Republicans... yet still the rapture-Rightists are fighting to change the face of the Judiciary to better serve their selfish, short-sighted, anti-American agenda.
The filibuster -the last weapon the minority party in the Senate has- is under attack, and if it's shelved, why even bother with the "up or down" vote? That die has been cast, my friends; the vote would be for show, at best because this majority won't rest 'till it rules.
What you're staring down the barrel at? It's a one-party system.
You can hope for a change in '06... I certainly am... but thanks to the magic of gerrymandering and black box voting, I'm fully expecting to hear that on election night, despite the fact that every poll* that evening shows that Americans wholeheatedly disapprove of this Neocon agenda (I'm thinking a 40% approval rating for the current administration and congress by then), that somehow, no incumbents with an "R" after their name will lose their seat, and lo and behold! Many new "R's" will join the fold, and learn the secret handshake before sundown the next day.
Remember the salad days? When Dubya said "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator," and we could still laugh... if nervously? Remember how it was alarming... but funny too, 'cause come on! How could he say that? Sure, he was a doofus, but how much damage could one pinhead doofus do? It was ludicrous... right?
Yeah, well now I'm not laughin'.
To paraphrase Ronny James Dio and Black Sabbath: "If you listen to fools, it's one party rule."
*Oh, and don't be surprised if preliminary polls are all you'll get in coming elections. When BushCo. got away with that "inaccurate exit poll" bullshit last November, they not only stole the White House, but they effectively smashed the viability of exit polls. Despite the fact they've always been an accepted (and generally accurate) tool for gauging election results, now that they've been tarnished, they'll take a back seat to flashy graphics of log cabins and bar charts, and Fox news anchors announcing the winners before the polls even open on the West Coast.
As if it wasn't bad enough that the dissenting voices in this country are already being sytematically silenced in the media and the hallowed halls of government... now it's okay for the majority party to go back into the Congressional record and edit the words of the opposing party? Make them look like idiots, crackpots, liars or worse?
Here's one example from the article:
DEMS: a Nadler amendment allows an adult who could be prosecuted under the bill to go to a Federal district court and seek a waiver to the state’s parental notice laws if this remedy is not available in the state court. (no 11-16)GOP
REWRITE: Mr. Nadler offered an amendment that would have created an additional layer of Federal court review that could be used by sexual predators to escape conviction under the bill. By a roll call vote of 11 yeas to 16 nays, the amendment was defeated.
What the fuck? What makes anyone think they can go back and edit the Congressional record? I can't even fathom this practice. Changing the text of ammendments, floor debates and resolutions in what has always been a sacrosanct record of once-transparent events in Congress? Just to... what? Create pithy quotes to use against the Democrats in the '06 elections? To test the water of changing laws that the voters have passed? Are the Republicans really that drunk with power right now? How low will they go?
This is absolutely chilling.
Let's review: the Republicans have the majority in the House. They have the majority in the Senate. They own the Executive. The majority of judges in District and Appeals courts are -or were appointed by- Republicans... yet still the rapture-Rightists are fighting to change the face of the Judiciary to better serve their selfish, short-sighted, anti-American agenda.
The filibuster -the last weapon the minority party in the Senate has- is under attack, and if it's shelved, why even bother with the "up or down" vote? That die has been cast, my friends; the vote would be for show, at best because this majority won't rest 'till it rules.
What you're staring down the barrel at? It's a one-party system.
You can hope for a change in '06... I certainly am... but thanks to the magic of gerrymandering and black box voting, I'm fully expecting to hear that on election night, despite the fact that every poll* that evening shows that Americans wholeheatedly disapprove of this Neocon agenda (I'm thinking a 40% approval rating for the current administration and congress by then), that somehow, no incumbents with an "R" after their name will lose their seat, and lo and behold! Many new "R's" will join the fold, and learn the secret handshake before sundown the next day.
Remember the salad days? When Dubya said "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator," and we could still laugh... if nervously? Remember how it was alarming... but funny too, 'cause come on! How could he say that? Sure, he was a doofus, but how much damage could one pinhead doofus do? It was ludicrous... right?
Yeah, well now I'm not laughin'.
To paraphrase Ronny James Dio and Black Sabbath: "If you listen to fools, it's one party rule."
*Oh, and don't be surprised if preliminary polls are all you'll get in coming elections. When BushCo. got away with that "inaccurate exit poll" bullshit last November, they not only stole the White House, but they effectively smashed the viability of exit polls. Despite the fact they've always been an accepted (and generally accurate) tool for gauging election results, now that they've been tarnished, they'll take a back seat to flashy graphics of log cabins and bar charts, and Fox news anchors announcing the winners before the polls even open on the West Coast.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Nevashut
Must... eat... Pringles....
Try your own, or try these:
"kiss"
"air guitar"
"jump around"
"do a dance"
"read a book"
"wife"
"kiss me"
"phone"
"fly"
"cancun"
"nice hair"
"break time"
"sex"
"work out"
"nerd"
"good looking"
"nintendo"
Or, use this handy-dandy hacked cheat sheet!
This just never gets old! Sure am thirsty though....
Try your own, or try these:
"kiss"
"air guitar"
"jump around"
"do a dance"
"read a book"
"wife"
"kiss me"
"phone"
"fly"
"cancun"
"nice hair"
"break time"
"sex"
"work out"
"nerd"
"good looking"
"nintendo"
Or, use this handy-dandy hacked cheat sheet!
This just never gets old! Sure am thirsty though....
Begin the Beguine
So, I haven't had much to say about Batman Begins. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to this summer's epic Bat flick, I'm as thrilled as a group of Quakers in a room full of benches... but a few months ago I managed to set my emotional Batman Begins burners on "Cautiously optimistic..." and there they will stay 'till June. It's a big summer for movies, and I'm just one little bald guy... cut me some slack.
Christian Bale is an outstanding choice for Bruce/Batman... Christopher Nolan was an inspired choice to direct, and he found inspiration from some of Batman's greatest creators. The film looks dark, mysterious and moody... and there isn't a single molded-latex nipple in sight. I loved Tim Burtons' Batman, but this? This will truly be the return of the dark knight (he said with cautious optimism). Watch this, and tell me I'm wrong.
Now, as for George Romero's Land of the Dead... fuck I've waited a long time for this film. I love George's "Fill in the blank" of the Dead films. That's not exactly going out on a severed limb, I know... but man alive they rule! I also have to say I dug the recent remake of Dawn of the Dead (if you haven't see it, see it now... it rocks), but it shrieked the obvious question "How come George didn't make this summer's zombiefest?" Well, two summers later, George is back, and he's here to tell you: yeah, they're zombies... they're all messed-up.
They say that "to live it again is past all endeavor...." This summer? I don't think so.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Happy Thousand Happiness
If you’ve seen Godzilla’s sometimes enemy, sometimes love interest (what was all of that hugging about, anyway?) Mothra, you no doubt remember the twin “melancholy captured fairies” Motsura Girls who summon the giant moth (or possibly repel it, or get it to sing "I think I love you" while dancing on pandas or something... I dunno... I can’t watch those movies sober).
The Motsura Girls (Emi and Yumi Ito) were pop act The Peanuts, and website Astroboy has two of their albums in MP3 format for your downloading enjoyment! Do it for the music... do it for the memories... do it for the joy of slogging through a similarly lengthy explanation for anyone you should play the music for who is under the age of 50... or, you know, anyone who isn't related to Bob Wilkins.
The Motsura Girls (Emi and Yumi Ito) were pop act The Peanuts, and website Astroboy has two of their albums in MP3 format for your downloading enjoyment! Do it for the music... do it for the memories... do it for the joy of slogging through a similarly lengthy explanation for anyone you should play the music for who is under the age of 50... or, you know, anyone who isn't related to Bob Wilkins.
Find Your Way Back
When Elvis got out of the Army, and returned home, he kept gawking at reporters and repeating "Man! It's so different here! It's so different; I feel like I was in Germany for ten years!
The reporters would huddle around him, and ask "So Elvis, what's it going to be like for you when things get back to normal?"
Elvis would smile, and reply "Look, when things get back to normal, I'll be driving a truck."
Make sense of that, while you make sense of these.
The reporters would huddle around him, and ask "So Elvis, what's it going to be like for you when things get back to normal?"
Elvis would smile, and reply "Look, when things get back to normal, I'll be driving a truck."
Make sense of that, while you make sense of these.
Monday, April 25, 2005
For Sale: Childhood Dreams
Some might call it crass cross-promotion. Others might bemoan the sight of our beloved Star Wars icons shilling for panty liners and transmission fluid.
I say bullshit to that, man... I'm gettin' me a saber spoon!
I say bullshit to that, man... I'm gettin' me a saber spoon!
For Every Sprinkle I find... I Shall Kill You!
Tired of waiting for the Family Guy premiere next week? Me too. Well, here you go.
(Yes, it's the season premiere of Family Guy a week early, and yes, you need the RealPlayer to view it)
(Yes, it's the season premiere of Family Guy a week early, and yes, you need the RealPlayer to view it)
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Everybody Loves Raiment
The un-holiest of holy wars is just around the corner.
Happy Justice Sunday!
I cannot make this shit up: An audio recording obtained by the Los Angeles Times features two of our nation's most influential evangelical leaders outlining strategies to “rein in” judges. In their quest to gain control of the judiciary they’ve come up with such schemes as such as stripping funding from “offending” courts in an effort to hinder their work, punishing sitting jurists and even entire courts viewed as hostile to their cause, and, naturally, vetting ways to place as many conservative judges on the bench as quickly as possible.
This charming discussion took place during a Washington conference last month that included addresses by Tom -“Rodent King”- DeLay and Bill –“ ‘That’s Dr. Senator Frist to you’ “- Frist, who discussed efforts to bring a more conservative cast to the courts… our courts.Now, mind you, neither Frist nor DeLay have publicly endorsed the evangelical groups' proposed actions, but the taped discussion among evangelical leaders provides a glimpse of the road map they are hurtling down as they work with congressional Republicans to achieve a judiciary that sides with them on abortion, same-sex marriage and other elements of their agenda.
But hey, don’t take my word for it… here’s what they had to say:
“There's more than one way to skin a cat, and there's more than one way to take a black robe off the bench," said Tony -“Not the gay one”- Perkins, president of the uber-conservative Family Research Council, according to an audiotape of a March 17 session.
"We set up the courts. We can unset the courts. We have the power of the purse," DeLay said at an April 13 question-and-answer session with reporters. The not-nearly-embattled-enough DeLay has spoken generally about one of the ideas the leaders discussed in greater detail: using legislative tactics to withhold money from courts.
These yahoo-- I mean, “leaders” present at the March conference, including Perkins and James C. Dobson, founder of the influential group Focus on the Family, have been working closely with Frist to eliminate the filibuster for judicial nominations, just about the only legislative tool Senate Democrats have left to stall 10 of Dubya’s judicial nominations. They support rescinding a senate rule that they’ve taken full advantage of themselves when it suited them. Don’t believe me? Ask Bill Clinton, he’ll tell you… you might have to buy him a Mimosa first though… he loves those things.
Dobson and Perkins showed that the evangelical leaders, in addition to working to place conservative nominees on the bench, have been trying to find ways to remove certain judges who don’t conform with their ideals. I’m pretty sure there’s a law against that.
Perkins said that he had attended a meeting with congressional leaders a week earlier where the strategy of stripping funding from certain courts was "prominently" discussed. "What they're thinking of is not only the fact of just making these courts go away and re-creating them the next day but also de-funding them," Perkins said.
They are on the warpath... and not only against non-Christians, but non-their kind of Christians... which is even worse, you ask me.
He went on to say that instead of undertaking the long process of trying to impeach judges, Congress could use its appropriations authority to "just take away the bench, all of his staff, and he's just sitting out there with nothing to do."These curbs on courts are "on the radar screen, especially of conservatives here in Congress," he said.
Yeah, that’s not alarming at all.
The tape, by the way, was provided to the LA Times by the unbelievably-cool advocacy group Americans United for Separation of Church and State. This is a group that supports our Constitutional separation of church and state because they realize that separated, both are stronger. Maybe that’s why the organization’s leader, Barry Lynn, keeps getting death threats from these family value-minded conservatives....
Increasingly in this country a very small, very conservative faction is trying to legislate our lives. They fervently believe that we simply aren’t capable of making our own decisions, so they’re prepared to do so for us… for our own good.
Come on, branding any group of American citizens as "anti-Christian" simply because they differ on political issues runs counter to the values of both faith and democracy. What, I'm alone on this?
That’s scary enough, but what’s most horrifying is that these people are organized and driven… and they have enough politicians in the pockets of their hair shirts that their doctrine is becoming a reality while most of us sit around and complain that the remote is out of reach.
Just a few years ago, no one from Capitol Hill would have had anything to do with an event like Justice Sunday. This year? Bill Frist addressed the masses from his mount, and decried those who suggested that doing so was divisive and that the event was anti-American. Which, you know it was… and it was.
You have to ask yourself where this could stop. I mean, as it stands the Republicans have control of the Executive and Legislative branches of government, right? And they’re pissed! They’re always so angry... haven’t you noticed? The Democrats are all but powerless on the Hill, but the Republicans are always grousing about the Democrat “agenda” and the Democrat “syndicate” that’s working against them, and by extension, against God-fearing Americans... and, of course, against the very God that made them, Gunga Din.
Well, it sure isn’t stopping with the Judicial branch. Delay sounded the battle cry over Terri Schiavo’s corpse, remember? Literally, until today we were this close to the “nuclear option…” but Bill Frist got a look at the latest polls this morning, and realized that maybe he shouldn’t force that particular issue just yet… but believe me, the showdown is coming.
Now, it’s easy to tell yourself that turning the courts into Neocon bully pulpits isn’t such a big deal; that you’d go right on living the life you’ve grown accustomed to… but consider some other ways this conservative, anti-America, anti-free will agenda is tainting your life:
Tried to get birth control pills lately?
Now, my dad was the best pharmacist ever, and he could beat up your dad easy… even now... and he's over 70... well, he could. Anyway, my dad is many things, but a fan of humanity he ain’t… still, he chose a life of medical service. As a servant of the people (well, Kaiser patients anyway), he had to dole out ‘scrips that he didn’t agree with on a medical (he thinks anti-depressants are prescribed too readily, for instance) or on an ethical (he’s not sure parents should be medicating their “ADD” kids just so’s the parents can enjoy more quiet evenings in front of the TV) basis from time to time… but dole them out he did, because he understood that the choice of what was “right” for a patient to ingest wasn’t his, but theirs, and he trusted them to make the best choice they could.
Well, more and more often, pharmacists and pharmacy technicians are refusing to dispense birth control pills on their own “moral grounds.” Guess what? They don’t get to do that. But it’s happening, and those of us who don’t deign to speak for everyone else are just letting it happen, and throwing our civil rights in the trash.
What about the Michigan legislators? Doctors or other health care providers could not be disciplined or sued if they refuse to treat gay patients under legislation passed recently by the Michigan House. Does that sound like the America you know?
Enjoying The Sopranos? I think it’s overrated but still, I appreciate the fact that if I wanna’ watch Tony Soprano wheeze and swear and leer at strippers I can… well, those days could be over soon, my friends. Historically, the FCC could only regulate radio and broadcast TV… those formats that the public owns (that’s right, you own the airwaves… you’ll be sorry you didn’t do anything with them soon enough), but there’s increasing pressure from conservative xtian groups to give the FCC the power to regulate cable TV. Now, that too may not see like a big deal on the face of it… but if that door is opened, it leads to the next step: regulating newspapers, magazines books, music… any media you pay for. Does that sound like the home of the free to you?
What does it tell you that Microsoft –a corporation that has always been on the vanguard of honoring and expanding employee privileges, perks and rights- recently withdrew support from a bill that outlaws discrimination based on sexual orientation? They didn’t even bother to hide the reason: they bowed to conservative xtian pressure.
At this point, I’m not sure which we’re headed for, a plutocracy or a theocracy… but I am sure of this: both suck.
The Conservatives are ready for this battle. They’ve sowed the seeds of fascism for years, and they’re girded for the final countdown and waiting….
The Liberals are too busy fighting for everyone’s right to choose and live free to focus on the fact that some of the very people they’re fighting for are fighting against these American, liberal ideals. It’s like the liberals are Scott Glenn in Silverado; practicing so hard they miss the fight.
(I’ll send anyone who gets that reference a Twix… y’all like Twix, right?)
This has never been a society of majority rule; it’s a society where all have a voice, and the minority is protected. Well, it was ‘till last January, anyway.
Look, it’s long past time we on the Left got into this fight. The middle class is being dismantled ‘cause it’s troublesome for the upper class. We’re the ones who fight for everyone else… the poor are too busy being poor to do so, and the rich? They’re paid not to care. Time is running out in America, so it’s time we got into this fight. Write letters; make calls. Send emails. Sit-in. March. It’s likely our elected officials won’t listen –they have bills to pay after all, and we’re not the ones paying them- but the more we cry out, the more we’ll be heard… at least by each other. That kind of solidarity –yeah, I said it: “solidarity”- leads to revolution… something our forefathers understood well.
This battle isn’t theoretical, it’s here. Despite what Fox news tells you, it’s now.
Happy Justice Sunday!
I cannot make this shit up: An audio recording obtained by the Los Angeles Times features two of our nation's most influential evangelical leaders outlining strategies to “rein in” judges. In their quest to gain control of the judiciary they’ve come up with such schemes as such as stripping funding from “offending” courts in an effort to hinder their work, punishing sitting jurists and even entire courts viewed as hostile to their cause, and, naturally, vetting ways to place as many conservative judges on the bench as quickly as possible.
This charming discussion took place during a Washington conference last month that included addresses by Tom -“Rodent King”- DeLay and Bill –“ ‘That’s Dr. Senator Frist to you’ “- Frist, who discussed efforts to bring a more conservative cast to the courts… our courts.Now, mind you, neither Frist nor DeLay have publicly endorsed the evangelical groups' proposed actions, but the taped discussion among evangelical leaders provides a glimpse of the road map they are hurtling down as they work with congressional Republicans to achieve a judiciary that sides with them on abortion, same-sex marriage and other elements of their agenda.
But hey, don’t take my word for it… here’s what they had to say:
“There's more than one way to skin a cat, and there's more than one way to take a black robe off the bench," said Tony -“Not the gay one”- Perkins, president of the uber-conservative Family Research Council, according to an audiotape of a March 17 session.
"We set up the courts. We can unset the courts. We have the power of the purse," DeLay said at an April 13 question-and-answer session with reporters. The not-nearly-embattled-enough DeLay has spoken generally about one of the ideas the leaders discussed in greater detail: using legislative tactics to withhold money from courts.
These yahoo-- I mean, “leaders” present at the March conference, including Perkins and James C. Dobson, founder of the influential group Focus on the Family, have been working closely with Frist to eliminate the filibuster for judicial nominations, just about the only legislative tool Senate Democrats have left to stall 10 of Dubya’s judicial nominations. They support rescinding a senate rule that they’ve taken full advantage of themselves when it suited them. Don’t believe me? Ask Bill Clinton, he’ll tell you… you might have to buy him a Mimosa first though… he loves those things.
Dobson and Perkins showed that the evangelical leaders, in addition to working to place conservative nominees on the bench, have been trying to find ways to remove certain judges who don’t conform with their ideals. I’m pretty sure there’s a law against that.
Perkins said that he had attended a meeting with congressional leaders a week earlier where the strategy of stripping funding from certain courts was "prominently" discussed. "What they're thinking of is not only the fact of just making these courts go away and re-creating them the next day but also de-funding them," Perkins said.
They are on the warpath... and not only against non-Christians, but non-their kind of Christians... which is even worse, you ask me.
He went on to say that instead of undertaking the long process of trying to impeach judges, Congress could use its appropriations authority to "just take away the bench, all of his staff, and he's just sitting out there with nothing to do."These curbs on courts are "on the radar screen, especially of conservatives here in Congress," he said.
Yeah, that’s not alarming at all.
The tape, by the way, was provided to the LA Times by the unbelievably-cool advocacy group Americans United for Separation of Church and State. This is a group that supports our Constitutional separation of church and state because they realize that separated, both are stronger. Maybe that’s why the organization’s leader, Barry Lynn, keeps getting death threats from these family value-minded conservatives....
Increasingly in this country a very small, very conservative faction is trying to legislate our lives. They fervently believe that we simply aren’t capable of making our own decisions, so they’re prepared to do so for us… for our own good.
Come on, branding any group of American citizens as "anti-Christian" simply because they differ on political issues runs counter to the values of both faith and democracy. What, I'm alone on this?
That’s scary enough, but what’s most horrifying is that these people are organized and driven… and they have enough politicians in the pockets of their hair shirts that their doctrine is becoming a reality while most of us sit around and complain that the remote is out of reach.
Just a few years ago, no one from Capitol Hill would have had anything to do with an event like Justice Sunday. This year? Bill Frist addressed the masses from his mount, and decried those who suggested that doing so was divisive and that the event was anti-American. Which, you know it was… and it was.
You have to ask yourself where this could stop. I mean, as it stands the Republicans have control of the Executive and Legislative branches of government, right? And they’re pissed! They’re always so angry... haven’t you noticed? The Democrats are all but powerless on the Hill, but the Republicans are always grousing about the Democrat “agenda” and the Democrat “syndicate” that’s working against them, and by extension, against God-fearing Americans... and, of course, against the very God that made them, Gunga Din.
Well, it sure isn’t stopping with the Judicial branch. Delay sounded the battle cry over Terri Schiavo’s corpse, remember? Literally, until today we were this close to the “nuclear option…” but Bill Frist got a look at the latest polls this morning, and realized that maybe he shouldn’t force that particular issue just yet… but believe me, the showdown is coming.
Now, it’s easy to tell yourself that turning the courts into Neocon bully pulpits isn’t such a big deal; that you’d go right on living the life you’ve grown accustomed to… but consider some other ways this conservative, anti-America, anti-free will agenda is tainting your life:
Tried to get birth control pills lately?
Now, my dad was the best pharmacist ever, and he could beat up your dad easy… even now... and he's over 70... well, he could. Anyway, my dad is many things, but a fan of humanity he ain’t… still, he chose a life of medical service. As a servant of the people (well, Kaiser patients anyway), he had to dole out ‘scrips that he didn’t agree with on a medical (he thinks anti-depressants are prescribed too readily, for instance) or on an ethical (he’s not sure parents should be medicating their “ADD” kids just so’s the parents can enjoy more quiet evenings in front of the TV) basis from time to time… but dole them out he did, because he understood that the choice of what was “right” for a patient to ingest wasn’t his, but theirs, and he trusted them to make the best choice they could.
Well, more and more often, pharmacists and pharmacy technicians are refusing to dispense birth control pills on their own “moral grounds.” Guess what? They don’t get to do that. But it’s happening, and those of us who don’t deign to speak for everyone else are just letting it happen, and throwing our civil rights in the trash.
What about the Michigan legislators? Doctors or other health care providers could not be disciplined or sued if they refuse to treat gay patients under legislation passed recently by the Michigan House. Does that sound like the America you know?
Enjoying The Sopranos? I think it’s overrated but still, I appreciate the fact that if I wanna’ watch Tony Soprano wheeze and swear and leer at strippers I can… well, those days could be over soon, my friends. Historically, the FCC could only regulate radio and broadcast TV… those formats that the public owns (that’s right, you own the airwaves… you’ll be sorry you didn’t do anything with them soon enough), but there’s increasing pressure from conservative xtian groups to give the FCC the power to regulate cable TV. Now, that too may not see like a big deal on the face of it… but if that door is opened, it leads to the next step: regulating newspapers, magazines books, music… any media you pay for. Does that sound like the home of the free to you?
What does it tell you that Microsoft –a corporation that has always been on the vanguard of honoring and expanding employee privileges, perks and rights- recently withdrew support from a bill that outlaws discrimination based on sexual orientation? They didn’t even bother to hide the reason: they bowed to conservative xtian pressure.
At this point, I’m not sure which we’re headed for, a plutocracy or a theocracy… but I am sure of this: both suck.
The Conservatives are ready for this battle. They’ve sowed the seeds of fascism for years, and they’re girded for the final countdown and waiting….
The Liberals are too busy fighting for everyone’s right to choose and live free to focus on the fact that some of the very people they’re fighting for are fighting against these American, liberal ideals. It’s like the liberals are Scott Glenn in Silverado; practicing so hard they miss the fight.
(I’ll send anyone who gets that reference a Twix… y’all like Twix, right?)
This has never been a society of majority rule; it’s a society where all have a voice, and the minority is protected. Well, it was ‘till last January, anyway.
Look, it’s long past time we on the Left got into this fight. The middle class is being dismantled ‘cause it’s troublesome for the upper class. We’re the ones who fight for everyone else… the poor are too busy being poor to do so, and the rich? They’re paid not to care. Time is running out in America, so it’s time we got into this fight. Write letters; make calls. Send emails. Sit-in. March. It’s likely our elected officials won’t listen –they have bills to pay after all, and we’re not the ones paying them- but the more we cry out, the more we’ll be heard… at least by each other. That kind of solidarity –yeah, I said it: “solidarity”- leads to revolution… something our forefathers understood well.
This battle isn’t theoretical, it’s here. Despite what Fox news tells you, it’s now.
Get ready... get girded...
Do something.Saturday, April 23, 2005
Those Near and Far Wars...
It's like firing up the Oscillation Overthruster just long enough to jet back to 1977... just to catch a glimpse as Star Wars is animated with the top-of-the-line computer animation of the day. Of our day... 'cause kids, those were the days... 'cept for the lousy 2.0 stereo... and the El Caminos.
It's like laboring away at Radio Shack all day -and for two shifts on Sunday- just to play Lode Runner and to check our imaginary stocks all afternoon.
It's like a refreshing spring shower; it's like birdies dipped in hugs, draping us in sunshine and lollipops.
It's the best and worst of 1977... it's technohope.
It's like laboring away at Radio Shack all day -and for two shifts on Sunday- just to play Lode Runner and to check our imaginary stocks all afternoon.
It's like a refreshing spring shower; it's like birdies dipped in hugs, draping us in sunshine and lollipops.
It's the best and worst of 1977... it's technohope.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Look! Up in the Sky!
I'm speechless. I'm without speech.
My hopes are as high as an elephant's eye! Ohhhhhhhhh what a beautiful mooooooooooorniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing....
From USA Today:
First look: 'Superman Returns'
By Anthony Breznican, USA TODAY
The look of Superman literally rests on the broad and buff shoulders of newcomer Brandon Routh.
Brandon Routh: New super suit has classic look, with slightly darker colors.
Warner Bros. Entertainment
This first look at Superman Returns— due in theaters in June 2006 — shows that the skin-tight costume stretches over only the actor's muscles and frame, without the augmented armored pecs or abs of recent movie superheroes.
Director Bryan Singer famously changed the fluorescent spandex suits of the X-Men into dark, leather-like uniforms for those movies — both of them smashes that sold more than $364 million in tickets. But on Superman Returns, he says, he wanted "something classic."
Tinkering too much with a hero's suit can aggravate traditionalist comic fans, who grumbled that Jennifer Garner's Elektra wasn't wearing her midriff-baring red suit in Daredevil or that Batman's armor had nipples in Batman Forever. They aren't likely to have much to carp about with Superman Returns.
Instead of reinventing the character's appearance, Singer — via e-mail from Australia, where he's shooting the film — says he wanted to remain faithful to the previous incarnations of Superman, from the Max Fleischer cartoons of the 1940s to the black-and-white George Reeves TV show to the Christopher Reeve movies of the 1970s and '80s.
Singer decided to keep the cape, the blue body suit, the red tights — even the V-cut opening of Superman's boots.
But Superman Returns makes a few subtle changes to the suit:
• The character's S insignia is slightly smaller and higher on his chest, and instead of being painted on, it's more of a three-dimensional plate.
• The insignia is added to Superman's belt buckle.
• Costume designer Louise Mingenbach preserved the blue, red and yellow motif, but the shades are slightly darker than the bright primary colors of the comics. Superman's yellow belt is more golden, and his cape is a deep scarlet.
The key to filling it out, however, depends entirely on the physique of Routh, 25, the Iowa native who was briefly on the soap opera One Life to Live in 2001. Singer says the Superman costume wasn't complete without Routh.
"I always had the general idea of the suit. However, when the conceptual art was evolving around the same time that I cast Brandon, I privately had paintings rendered with Brandon's face, which certainly brought it to life."
Superman's body is the key to his power, Singer says.
"With X-Men, although they had extraordinary powers, they also had physical weaknesses," he says. "The suits were for protection as well as costume. Superman is the Man of Steel. Bullets bounce off him, not his suit."
What does the movie's costume say about this Superman's personality?
"He's not afraid," Singer says.
My hopes are as high as an elephant's eye! Ohhhhhhhhh what a beautiful mooooooooooorniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing....
From USA Today:
First look: 'Superman Returns'
By Anthony Breznican, USA TODAY
The look of Superman literally rests on the broad and buff shoulders of newcomer Brandon Routh.
Brandon Routh: New super suit has classic look, with slightly darker colors.
Warner Bros. Entertainment
This first look at Superman Returns— due in theaters in June 2006 — shows that the skin-tight costume stretches over only the actor's muscles and frame, without the augmented armored pecs or abs of recent movie superheroes.
Director Bryan Singer famously changed the fluorescent spandex suits of the X-Men into dark, leather-like uniforms for those movies — both of them smashes that sold more than $364 million in tickets. But on Superman Returns, he says, he wanted "something classic."
Tinkering too much with a hero's suit can aggravate traditionalist comic fans, who grumbled that Jennifer Garner's Elektra wasn't wearing her midriff-baring red suit in Daredevil or that Batman's armor had nipples in Batman Forever. They aren't likely to have much to carp about with Superman Returns.
Instead of reinventing the character's appearance, Singer — via e-mail from Australia, where he's shooting the film — says he wanted to remain faithful to the previous incarnations of Superman, from the Max Fleischer cartoons of the 1940s to the black-and-white George Reeves TV show to the Christopher Reeve movies of the 1970s and '80s.
Singer decided to keep the cape, the blue body suit, the red tights — even the V-cut opening of Superman's boots.
But Superman Returns makes a few subtle changes to the suit:
• The character's S insignia is slightly smaller and higher on his chest, and instead of being painted on, it's more of a three-dimensional plate.
• The insignia is added to Superman's belt buckle.
• Costume designer Louise Mingenbach preserved the blue, red and yellow motif, but the shades are slightly darker than the bright primary colors of the comics. Superman's yellow belt is more golden, and his cape is a deep scarlet.
The key to filling it out, however, depends entirely on the physique of Routh, 25, the Iowa native who was briefly on the soap opera One Life to Live in 2001. Singer says the Superman costume wasn't complete without Routh.
"I always had the general idea of the suit. However, when the conceptual art was evolving around the same time that I cast Brandon, I privately had paintings rendered with Brandon's face, which certainly brought it to life."
Superman's body is the key to his power, Singer says.
"With X-Men, although they had extraordinary powers, they also had physical weaknesses," he says. "The suits were for protection as well as costume. Superman is the Man of Steel. Bullets bounce off him, not his suit."
What does the movie's costume say about this Superman's personality?
"He's not afraid," Singer says.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Great Moments in Comic Book History!
Or, maybe "Great Unintentionally Sexual Moments in Comic Book History" is more appropriate... or inappropriate, as the case may be.
"Rifleman" indeed....
"Rifleman" indeed....
Club the Baby Seal!
Before you go writin' letters, know this: it's a metaphor!
"A metaphor for what?" you ask? I don't actually know... but it's gotta' be a metaphor for something, right? And no one gets mad at people for posting metaphors, right? That's like... no, wait... that's a simile. Well, anyway... sigh righteously and club away!
"A metaphor for what?" you ask? I don't actually know... but it's gotta' be a metaphor for something, right? And no one gets mad at people for posting metaphors, right? That's like... no, wait... that's a simile. Well, anyway... sigh righteously and club away!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
I Want to Believe
Technology is cool.
If you buy the story that we "landed" on the "moon" (That's right... "moon." I'm not the only one who thinks the moon* is made-up. Dammit.), you're impressed by the endeavor, I'm sure. But what did a Saturn V ever do for you? The space program's great if you hate monkeys and love scorched earth... but you know what really makes it all worthwhile?
Spray-on cheese.
It's thanks to NASA that I can spray cheese -say it again: "SPRAAAAAAAY CHEEEEEEEEEEESE"- on my crackers. At will. That's a giant leap for mankind, know what I'm sayin'?
So, while strapping a bomb to your ass and launching yourself at what is quite likely an imaginary satellite is swell... standing in the kitchen in your pajamas and spraying nacho cheddar cheese on a Wheat Thin is, hands down, the superior achievement. Go on, whack a golf ball on another planetary body's surface! Have at it! I just sprayed cheese!
Same story for the Google Map software. Sure, it's designed for finding your way to the movies, but you'll benefit most by never leaving your chair... and scoping out Brad Pitt's tool shed... or the ass-end of Angelina Jolie's Pacer... or Area 51.
I can't promise you'll get any canned cheese or aluminum foil out of the experience... but enlightenment doesn't suck.
*It's been pointed out to me that I have a moon phase indicator on this very page. Yeah. So? I vote too! What's your point? You don't want to sell me any death sticks... you want to go home and rethink your life....
If you buy the story that we "landed" on the "moon" (That's right... "moon." I'm not the only one who thinks the moon* is made-up. Dammit.), you're impressed by the endeavor, I'm sure. But what did a Saturn V ever do for you? The space program's great if you hate monkeys and love scorched earth... but you know what really makes it all worthwhile?
Spray-on cheese.
It's thanks to NASA that I can spray cheese -say it again: "SPRAAAAAAAY CHEEEEEEEEEEESE"- on my crackers. At will. That's a giant leap for mankind, know what I'm sayin'?
So, while strapping a bomb to your ass and launching yourself at what is quite likely an imaginary satellite is swell... standing in the kitchen in your pajamas and spraying nacho cheddar cheese on a Wheat Thin is, hands down, the superior achievement. Go on, whack a golf ball on another planetary body's surface! Have at it! I just sprayed cheese!
Same story for the Google Map software. Sure, it's designed for finding your way to the movies, but you'll benefit most by never leaving your chair... and scoping out Brad Pitt's tool shed... or the ass-end of Angelina Jolie's Pacer... or Area 51.
I can't promise you'll get any canned cheese or aluminum foil out of the experience... but enlightenment doesn't suck.
*It's been pointed out to me that I have a moon phase indicator on this very page. Yeah. So? I vote too! What's your point? You don't want to sell me any death sticks... you want to go home and rethink your life....
Rise of the Empire
Did I mention we have our tickets for Revenge of the Sith?
Seriously, what's the point to all of these days between now and then? Time is stupid.
I just... I want to come with you to Alderaan; there's nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the force, and become a Jedi like my father.
Oh, and while I'm making something of myself, and leaving these moisture vaporators (very similar to binary load-lifters in most respects) behind, here: make something of this.
Seriously, what's the point to all of these days between now and then? Time is stupid.
I just... I want to come with you to Alderaan; there's nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the force, and become a Jedi like my father.
Oh, and while I'm making something of myself, and leaving these moisture vaporators (very similar to binary load-lifters in most respects) behind, here: make something of this.
Monday, April 18, 2005
Up in the Air, Junior Birdman!
Captain Video never saw this comin'.
I know if I was an extraterrestrial, this is when I'd swing by the ol' Earth, lodged here in the ass-end of Sector 2814. Grab a few souvenirs before things get really bad. Even before the white smoke billows, it seems the writing's on the wall.
Who you gonna' call?
I know if I was an extraterrestrial, this is when I'd swing by the ol' Earth, lodged here in the ass-end of Sector 2814. Grab a few souvenirs before things get really bad. Even before the white smoke billows, it seems the writing's on the wall.
Who you gonna' call?
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